I make a solemn vow that from now on before I get out a fancy half revealing outfit, do my hair and fine some ridiculously high shoes to wear all in the name of going out I will make sure of the following:

1. That all intending parties ACTUALLY serioulsy want to go out and are of one accord as to where and for how long.
2. That I am in a good enough mood to actually enjoy myself and not be affected by outside influences.
3. That all logistics regarding transport and and Lagosian night time safety are thought about, and finally:
4. The unknown X Factor, ie human nature.

That way I won't end up like on Friday night where Pooh Bear (aka Travis) had to babysit me for about two hours in Soul Lounge (nice bar actually). Oh Lord! I felt so bad and I did enjoy myself a bit but my heart wasn't in it because I knew he was upset and worried about another friend of ours who had gone off with a bloke and I didn't have the helping hand of booze (Lent you see). I just thought to myself, well I'm all gusied up by golly and I'm not wasting my yellow top and three levelled gold eyeshadow combo (Tyra would have been proud)!!

Obvioulsy you get that small imp on your shoulder that says "hey babe, if you had a guy you wouldn't be in this situation". I think about it and say maybe you are right but I don't and I'm not going to cry about it, so get the f*#k off my shoulder, you are ruining my hair!"

SO according to Phoenix and DGirl in London, I like bad guys... OK not that simple I have a thing for arrogant shit heads who feel extra special with themselves for one reason or the other. So they said I was the typical stereotype of a woman that doesn't like guys that are good for them.

What brought up this conversation? Well I was introduced to a guy by a friend at work and even though my last hook up didn't work (B), I'm nothing if not hopeful for adventure. So two weeks ago I met up with my friend and the guy, with his younger cousin in tow. Well we talked and hung out, but i wasn't feeling any zing so to speak. Funnily enough it wasn't that he wasn't good looking or anything, it was more a case of his manner and behaviour.....made me feel like I was talking to an older relative, you know, like your older sister's husband. I actually thought that he was in his early thirties but I found out today that he is 27.

Since our first meeting nearly two weeks ago, it has been just phone conversations and texts messages and he loves asking questions and he thinks a lot which is cute in a kind of professor way, and bless him he listened to my ranting and raving when I was having family issues but I just wasn't getting the extra oommphhh!!

So this is when Phoenix said she didn't initially feel any ooomph or zing with CK and all that changed as time went by and that I should grin and bear it and see what happens and not to be a cliche etc etc etc.

To be the change I want to see in the world I met up with him today and went to his flat to hang out...so many talking and I can't remember everything but here are the important points...

First off after some chatting, he asked when are we moving to the next level? I reply that I don't believe there is a time frame to moving to any level in particular, I would like things to remain as they are. Then I get critiscised for shielding myself etc etc. He then said I'm not willing to psyche myself to being attracted to him, and then I reply that it shouldn't be made into homework and I definately don't believe that it should be forced, that the feelings should come naturally.

He showed me all his pictures, but couldn't be bothered to look at mine, he played salsa music and said he knows I'm probably not into it cos I'm "heavy", so I proceeded to get up and dance him out of the sitting room!!! I could go on and on. Where I really got angry was when he asked a question about sleeping with people you later break up with, and I replied that I wouldn't know as I hadn't slept with anyone yet! Then there came the requsite silence, and then how he gets me now (huh?), that who exactly am I waiting for? (not you mate), that I'm going to be inexplicably attached to the person I sleep with for the first time and they are going to have sooo much work on their hands with showing me a new world (what the f*$k????).

At this point I just shut down my brain and started making my excuses to leave, so much for nice quiet guys! In his eagerness, he didn't even realise that i was pissed off! He really believed everything he was saying, oh dear!!

I have finished the fliping NYSC and I tell you, I have never had a greater more profound sense of an anti-climax as I do now!! I'm not sure but I thought I would feel better than I did. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to God for getting me through this (the phrase blood, sweat and tears come to mind) but as i held that certificate in my hand I felt like a firework that didn't go off properly and has been left to sizzle in wet grass.

A lot had to do with atmosphere, we had to report everyday to the parade ground for a week so the marchers and band could practice and the rest of us (all 5000 of us) would just hang around while the sun beat down mercilessly. Then the day of the parade, I nearly got kidnapped (will tell you later) and was in the full throes of my period and just f*£king exhausted. I do want to celebrate but you can't really celebrate on your own can you? My friends are not really in the fun zone right now. Maybe one day it will just hit me that this is a great day to celebrate passing out of NYSC and I'll just go nuts !! A celebration doesn't need a time limit does it? I did throw my uniform away that very day in the bin so that was fun ;)

So now all eyes are on the door and it's now a question of when do I leave??? I have soo much more to write but really that's just going to wait till I have eaten and my brain is in gear..........

The words are swirling in my head, great big chunky paragraphs that I would love to put down, things I feel and think when I see people, hear things, see life happening to me and around me, bu I'm tired and hungry and I can't do justice to the things in my head.

I love that I can confess that I am hungry !! If I say it our loud it will be that I'm whining and can't be an adult about things but here I'm free to be me. I'm free to say that being told by your parents that you have the body of a 40 year old with four kids breaks your heart and makes you cry. I'm free to think that being told that any man that has been with me, was just experimenting to see what it's like to be with a fat chick is quite detrimental to my sanity.

All this and many more came during THE TALK, where I told my Dad that I wasn't ready to settle back in Nigeria just yet. He wasn't happy at all. There was talk of family, legacy, being an old maid, getting a life etc. I argued all those points, so that is how we settled on my weight as that is the only mark on my perfect daughter record books!!!!

Funnily enough they are trying to help, even through my tears in the middle of the night and my multiple glasses of wine I know that. I have never deluded myself, I know that I am overweight but my parents made me question whether I really ever had any pull over anyone. I'm done with this being a bone of contention, I'm an adult and have to do something about it. Hence the hunger......