If you used to read this ancient blog back in the day, you would see that I have an obsession for Agatha Christie and a lot of old world crime books.

A lot of the time, the killer would be caught or a major plot change would happen that would give you a clue all because of...LOVE LETTERS!

How I could scoff and turn my nose up at the women. What is wrong with these women I would wonder? Why are you keeping your old love letters tied up in a bundle in the bottom of some secret hideaway? Don't you know you are being a wet sop?

I honestly never understood why people would hold on to old history like that.

Until now.

Now I am the stupid woman.

I'm not even sure the 21st century woman owns love letters! Or any letters of any kind (apart from horrid letters from the bank). But I do. For a glorious moment over the course of two years I met the man I call 'The Prototype', and before BBM/Whatspp etc, we wrote to each other via email nearly everyday.

Now he had a way with words, a God given talent and there are some letters he wrote and they would make all my senses marvel.

Now everything has changed, and he will soon officially belong to another. So the question of the day is, do you still keep the letters (emails)?

I let the email account stay dormant for three years but I unearthed it today and when I read the correspondence I felt happy and sad at the same time.

Now does one just delete everything and walk away in a blaze of triumphant practical glory or do you keep the the words that made you feel like the most precious thing on earth at that given time?

Also by keeping it, are you just holding yourself back? Or are you tempted to hold them because you doubt anyone will ever say those type of words about you again?

I'm so confused! My head hurts.

What I am very sure about though, is that I will never again scoff at those fictional heroines and villainesses of old and their bundle of hidden love letters.

So I thought that my biggest issue with getting back in the dating pool was that I had to you know...care? Get excited. Get dressed even. Make sure that my work clothes could be passable for drinks or coffee in the city.

WRONG!

That's nothing compared to the actual interaction with men. Whooosh!

Making small talk. That's an art form in itself. Ah my goodness. I have that mastered a bit though. Then realising slowly that there are a lot of uneducated people on the streets. Not in the book sense, but in the closed mind 'I don't want to learn about anything past 21 sense'.

Someone said I was using big words to make a point when I said 'monosyllabic'. Another said that cancer was a white person's disease.

I'm not making any of this stuff up.

Then you pass the initial chit chat stage and go for a date and to be fair, there might not be any issues at all. It's just that there is no connect.

Or you might go for a date and really like a guy, make plans for a second date, book tickets, make reservations and EVERYTHING. Then they vanish into thin air like a mystery that needs to be solved in an Agatha Christie novel.

THE CASE OF THE MISSING BANKER, coming to a book store near you! For real though I hope he's not dead shah.

So yeah. Getting back out there is hard but I'm glad I am resisting the lure of stretchy jogging bottoms and head scarf and getting out there.

Shout out to all the men and women out there trying to make decent small talk!

So I have to be delicate while typing this, so try and follow if you can.

My friend and I were discussing something yesterday when a bit of reminiscing came up. Now my friend in question is a guy and lives in Nigeria. We've been friends for over five years and there has always been an attraction but nothing deep (read emotional) came from it. When I visited in January we hung out and had an 'interlude' which I thought was all sort of awesome.

Until yesterday.

When he said xyz happened, WHICH NEVER DID.

I can swear on my life that what he said happened did not occur but he swears it did. Logically I can even prove he was wrong but I didn't have the heart to prolong the torture over BBM. This now begs the question, has he forgotten or even worse, is he mixing me up with another woman? Oh my days! The pain! I was so hurt. Nothing like a cold dose of reality to slap you awake. I don't have much of an ego but the small one I had got completely decimated yesterday I can tell you that for free.

To add salt to the wound, he then concludes from the mystical happening, something about my state of mind. Even though I have said time and time again that it's not true. So that didn't help. I felt like I had been in front of a jury on trumped up charges. It was a sad day yesterday man.

So apologies if this doesn't make sense, you have my sympathy. The long and short of it is, I thought I was special and I'm not, also I need to re-adjust my thinking when it come to men.
For a smart girl, I'm still not quite there with understanding them.

I did get quite upset but a chat to my friends and a dose of the BBC's version of Pride and Prejudice went a long way to my recovery!

It's only when something is taken from you that you realise you had taken in for granted.

It's been almost a year since I last posted anything and you would laugh if you saw my drafts folder. I always started a post but never finished it and it would just lay there like literary bones in an elephant's graveyard.

I would peek in from time to time but my writing spirit was crushed. Why?

A mixture of some very nasty family altercations last year September (my birthday weekend actually) and the stress and slow creeping misery of work earlier this year.

I knew that if I wrote what was in my heart, then I would either be carted off to a psych ward or my I would have irrevocably damaged the relationship between myself and my folks.

So I stopped writing and I apologise to anyone who came checking for me from time to time.

Flash forward to Wednesday afternoon, I just clicked on my link to check something and I realised that my url of www.misscarameld.com didn't work any more. I couldn't access my site from the new address and the old diary of a lost one address either. See pure panic in action! I had tears and everything. I also realised that I had never backed up 5 years of writing either!

I emailed Google and asked a friend for advice ten today, I realised I got get into my blogger/google account if I could remember my Google password. From there I deleted both old accounts and changed my site name again!

I think I am going to stick to a blogspot address for a while. I'm not good at hosting my own site!!

So third address change is www.misscarmeld.blogspot.com.

Tell you friends :)

Praise God!