Church today was like an arrow through my chest, I'm reeling. The Gospel reading was the one where a lovely young man comes to Jesus and asks what he has to do to gain eternal life. Jesus told him to follow the commandments and He listed them out for the young man. The man says he has followed all of them his whole life. Jesus looks at him and loved his earnestness and told him, OK last thing.....sell everything you own, give the money to the poor and come and follow me. The young man was crushed because he was quite rich and he walked away.

So Father Micheal (our Irish priest, always keeps it real), he said in his homily (preaching), why do we think that Jesus had issues with rich people? That it was the danger of letting your possessions possess you. That as humans we will always feel insecure and seek comfort and security from all sorts of areas and when we let them clog up our beings and we are bound in them.

I hope I'm making sense because I'm paraphrasing horribly.......

Anyway he then said, we shouldn't be feeling happy with ourselves just because we don't have a holiday home in the south of France or a six figure salary. That there are other sorts of things that can posses us just as badly as material possessions can. Attitudes and behavioural patterns that block our souls and restrict us from inner peace and communication with God. He stressed that we need to be honest and identify what they were so that we could be released and have inner calm and serenity, thereby being able to experience a bit of heaven while on earth.

That really got me. I have known for ages that I'm not at peace. Deep down where it really matters I know that I don't have the serenity I remember possessing once. Let me tell you, even if you aren't religious, there is something to be said for letting go of the crap that is blocking up your life.

For me it's not possessions. I don't have anything that is a prized possession, my room could go up in flames and apart from my baby pictures I wouldn't be fussed. No my biggest issue is attitude. I know I have been disturbed by what has been happening to my Dad. I am not a hateful person and yet I hate his siblings. They dared harm my parents and that's not on. Hating them is harming me.

My constant weight issues is also weighing me down (pun intended). Obsessing over my body has definitely possessed me and blocked me from reaching out to God. Of that I'm sure. While praying in Church these two things sprung to mind and I know others will crop up when I think about it. I have this thing where I think I am not where I am meant to be. I worry that I'm wasting my life somehow. The kicker is if you ask me what I'm meant to be doing, I don't know!! So I go over and over all these things and they are my possessions. Strapped to the back of my consciousness, never letting me focus on what's important like my communication with God.

Funnliy enough while thinking, I thought that Baked Beans would be an issue. I was so burnt when I came back from Christmas and the way he treated me, then the way he kept calling me and yet not being honest about why he was calling. I really thought he would be on my list, but somewhere along the way I got over it! Amazing. I'm not angry anymore! I nearly laughed out loud.

So with all this introspection, I ask God to help me. I want to release myself from past hurts and greviences and issues that I have let takeover my life. I want that inner peace, I want a glimpse of heaven on earth.

The last quarter of this year is going to be nuts so strap up and enjoy the ride because you all KNOW I will be here crying, laughing, bitching and generally asking opinions etc! Don't leave me in my hour(s) of need.....

Train Stop One
So our home of 19 years is officially sold. There was a bit of a panic when we realised where we have found wouldn't be ready in time (end of October). It looked like we would have to put everything in storage and then bunk in various houses like wandering nomads. See my Maternal unit in full blown panic mode. Hmm! Her biggest problem wasn't paying for storage (I said I would), it wasn't packing up 19 yrs of your life into boxes, it wasn't where we would stay. Nope her biggest problem was her freezer.

Or should I say her three freezers!

Mum: " Caramel I can't sleep! What will happen to all my food stuffs that I suffered and brought from Nigeria? My yam? My bitter leaf? My egusi? My ukpaka etc etc.."

Me: "Mum just share it out among all your friends freezers!!"

Mum "Ohhhhhhh I don't want to!"

Na wa oh! See beef! In the end though, the new owners of our house have agreed for us to rent it from them. Thank God oh! So now the great packing begins! I know it will be a mini battle. My Maternal Unit is a self confessed pack horse! We haven't even started and already we have had our first 'words'.

Me: "I will start on my room and the sitting room. We can chuck things we don't need like our Nollywood VHS."

Mum: Why do you want to throw them away?

Me : " No one uses them anymore, it's all VCDs and DVDs."

Mum: "Then we can give it to charity shops (second hand stores) down the road."

Me: " Mum I'll be hard pressed to imagine the Cancer Research Shop stocking Living in Bondage!!"

Oh dear..........


Train Stop Two
My friend of 16 years has me gobsmacked. While her first engagement was in the process of failing, she started seeing someone else. She told me her first engagement had broken up in July, then in September she told me she is getting married to the second guy in December. My head was spinning. I just felt that it was weird to be engaged to two separate men in under a year. If I met a guy in May and was marrying him in December, my family will think I am either pregnant or nuts .....especially as I have just left a previous relationship.

Anyway (Bumight you won't believe this) I am now on my way to Nigeria in November to be her bridesmaid. I didn't plan this (obviously) and I'm stuck between wanting to be there for my friend and wondering if I have a right to worry. To be honest this was last week. Right now, I am in live and let live mode.

Anyone who followed my near bankruptcy with my cousin's wedding will not be surprised to hear that at least I have learnt my lesson. When my friend said I will have to buy my bridesmaid dress, I politely told her that I am buying a last minute air ticket to Nigeria which I did not budget for so in no way am I paying for my bridesmaid dress!!! I am in the process of buying a house, who has cash for last minute romance? Not me mate!

Train Stop Three
I have started my hospital tests because of my PCOS and all the weird symptoms I have been having. I have had two consultations, blood tests and the last is my ultrasound this week. I am in and out of my hospital these last two weeks that I am on first name basis with the ladies at reception.

My tests keep taking me out of the office and I feel awkward. I know I have to go but I can't wait for them to be over and I don't have to keep working half days. My workload is piling up. OK who wants to hear a freaky story. Went for the blood test, and they had to take five vials. The blood wouldn't come out. We tried everything and still it was just dropping. I now jokingly put on my best Lord of the Rings voice and said "You may leave my body now", See the blood start gushing into the vials eh! Hey! Scary! If you see the look the nurse gave me, like "witch" LOL!!!

Whoosh! Time has left me! Time broke up with me, took the dog and the leather sofa and left me!

Thank you for the birthday wishes. I had a lovely time, and even though my dress WAS too short I took Nice Anon and Sirius's advice and rocked it out to the best of my ability.

I also realised that I don't have a head for champagne. No, no, no and no.

My 28th year started with me deciding that I had to make more of the life that God gave me. I think I find it quite easy to sit back and take a back seat with many issues relating to my life so I am trying to change. I also vowed to stop bending over for other people and not be afraid to voice my opinion. I can make noise, but when it matters I go quiet for all the wrong reasons. Well that has stopped too.
______________________________

You know there are times (for the ladies) when you will just jump in and out of the shower, barely manage to rub body lotion and white powder and people will stop you on the road and say "Girl....... Loving the look! what make up do you use, etc, etc" Do you why? It's because your body had decided that day to work with you. All elements were in harmony, skin, hair, nails , all of it!

Well I have had many a day like that but this week! This week when I really need to be hot hot hot, my body has joined our postal workers and gone on strike! My hair is crooked, my skin is weird (autumn is here), and as for my tummy! Well, it's not even pretending to hear me LOL! Don't worry I wrote a petition to God. I expect a reply soon.

I'm buying a house with my Mum, (oh how terribly adult-like) only problem is we have a buyer but we haven't found anywhere for ourselves! See the stress! I have been to so many house viewings I now dream about them. So now the heat is on to find a house. I wrote God an email about that too.

More drama at home. My Dad now has two bodyguards permantly. I never believed there would be a day I would say that. Weird people keep coming to the Palace and asking bizarre questions. The latest was that two men in dark glasses came knocking at 5am in the morning asking for my Dad. Our househelp (so very unlike her) actually opened the door to them! She only told them that he had travelled, even though they grilled her. Then on her way to 6am mass, she realised that the big palace metal gates were padlocked and bolted, so the men had not come that morning, they had been in the grounds overnight. Na wa!

OK have to go and work! Stay happy! Stay blessed!

Happy September. August has left with my blessing and any hope of proper sunshine this country hopes to have for the rest of the year.

August was bad.



It started with a heavy weight on my chest and a constant feeling of dread that all was wrong and if it wasn't it was about to be. The smallest thing would annoy me and I couldn't sort out irrational anger from normal anger anymore. I would have mood swings where I was at my funniest and dazzling and in two hours I would be weepy. I thought it was PMS and then my period wouldn't turn up and let me tell you, I am as regular as a Swiss watch. I broke out in spots on my chest (me beautiful skin!!!), I was so bloated I couldn't wear my rings or high heel shoes and no period for three weeks.

Two things happened one weekend that finally made me go to the doctor. The first was that a friend would ask me about my birthday (next Monday !!) and I would be so upset. I couldn't face my birthday. I kept thinking that I was about to be 28 and all I could see were things that were wrong, I kept thinking I should have some kind of 5 year plan or something, I then refused to book the VIP room where I was going to have my birthday. I just didn't want to know. Then the worst was waking up on a Sunday morning crying my eyes out for about three hours. I missed Church (not my normal MO) and just lay on my couch for what seemed like for ever.

The next day I booked my appointment.

So the long and short of it was that eight years ago I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I was told that my levels were low and I should be able to carry on just fine, but from what I was telling him, it had cranked up a couple of gears and that now I had a common symptom: depression. So after referring me to the hospital for tests etc. He wrote me a prescription of anti-depressants! I told him HELL NO! I'm Nigerian, we don't roll like that. He then went on and on about her my symptoms will only get worse while I am waiting for my turn to the see the gynaecologist. For any woman reading this it's like when you go to the hairdressers and YOU KNOW that the style they are working on your head won't suit you but your powerless to change their mind. Well this is what it was like only that instead of a hairdresser it was my family doctor.

Did I mention I have had the same doctor since I was 10?

So I took the prescription but I didn't go to the pharmacy. I went home and gave it to the Maternal Unit. I went upstairs and I said to God, "I do not live on Wisteria Lane, I am not about to start taking anti-depressants, you have to help me find a way to beat this!"

So I went online and saw countless websites with all these women from around the world sharing different ways which they have tried to bring it under control and manage their symptoms(can't be cured). So while I wait for the slow machine of the NHS to reach me, I am trying to tackle this myself. All the websites say the same thing: bring your weight down and watch your hormone levels balance out (irregular hormone levels is what causes all the issues). So it is back to weigh ins and weight loss chatter on my blog :) I can't call it Freaky Bridesmaid Diet so it needs a new name....any suggestions? The bitch of it all though is that a rise in the wrong hormones makes weight loss more difficult to acheive [sigh].

With regards to the prescription, my Mum looked up the drug is her kick ass medical dictionary and it had the worst list of side effects she had ever seen. She was so horrified that she ripped it up at work on her ward and threw it away without thinking and then remembered it wasn't even hers! LOL! She came home and apologised for not telling me first but she was resolute.

I don't care I wasn't going to take it anyway! Anyway I exercise more, spend more time in prayer and reflection , just that moment in the day when you have quiet time and can pause and be still. I also called back the club and re-booked my birthday doo daa. I note that I am still over fussy over things and worry stupidly (case in point, latest problem my dress is too short for my party and my knees look awful. PLEASE SOMEONE BEAT ME) but I just shake it away.

_______________________________

I got to know someone special. Someone who made me feel special, no scratch that ......made me feel like a Princess and a Goddess all rolled into one. I didn't feel like I was playing a balancing act, where the wrong move would make you fall. I could be myself and be free. I've had letters that made me cry and poems that make me blush and phone calls that make me laugh at 2 am in the morning. I can't find the words.....treasured! There it is, I felt treasured and hand on my heart no man has ever made me feel that way, not once. As wonderful as I have felt though, it all reminds me of spun sugar; sweet, beautiful but oh so very fragile. Whatever happens, I don't regret knowing you. I thank God for bringing you into my life, because when I felt like I was in a gutter, you put me on a throne.

xxx

_______________________________

My Mum flew to America for her niece's wedding and couldn't pack because she was working double shifts everyday so I packed for her, matched all the outfits, sewed on missing buttons, did fashion consultancy on wrapper and handbags and shoes and wrapped in cling film and sellotape 10 bottles of Ace bleach for my Aunt as they don't have in it America (I know I know). So when she came back from work with a bunch of roses I thought it was because I had helped her pack but she said: "No not just that. I know I want you to move to your husbands house (when I was your age I had married your Father) but you should know I appreciate everyday that you are here with me." Awwwwwwww I love my Mum!

________________________________

BIG BOSOM HUG (c) to everyone on Blogsville and massive shout out to my Followers! See oh ..... 32 beautiful Caramelicious people. Thank you oh! I remember when it was six LOL! God bless xx

On the left is my travel card wallet. On the right is one of Always's finest feminine products. So I'm running late this morning, got to my station and stuck my hand into the jumble that is my handbag. I pulled out my travel card wallet and swiped it at the gate. Nothing. Swiped it again. Nothing! Looked at my hand, I Caramel Delight, 27 year old woman, was swiping my sanitary towel at the card reader!!! Chai! Lord have mercy!

This is why it isn't good to rush!!!

So the station officer edges towards me at the exact time I realised my mistake. I'm telling you the guy went from pink to red!!! I just burst out laughing! Only me oh! Only me!

They were all 'ROTFLMAOing on Twitter but if you see the pictures you can see where my senses were going. Can someone please console me with other stories of mortification?

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

I had an epiphany last night, gosh it was blinding but let me rewind.

The two Bridget Jones books were already bestsellers before the movies came out, but the movies made them worldwide hits. In the UK words from the book actually made it into popular culture. Two big phrases were 'Singletons' and 'Smug marrieds'. Hilariously a 'singleton' = was a single professional urbanite woman and a 'smug married' to the best of my knowledge = married couples who you knew who always rubbed their status in your face or would disturb you about your single status.

For the record NONE of my friends have entered into the 'smug married' status but I wanted to explain where my title came from. OK, back to my story. In the space of a year barring one lovely young lady, my inner circle of sisterfriends have been blessed with either a quarter to fiancee, fiancee, or husband. I have been there from the beginning with all their stories and have watched them and their men move from that first date "what's my own, he has been disturbing me since, let me at least go and eat free food", to the realisation that he is the one, "OMG, he proposed, he proposed, I didn't see it coming, shebi you know you will be my bridesmaid?" LOL!!

Of course things change and dynamics change but that is to be expected. I hope I have always known to be supportive and give a hand when needed (surprise birthdays etc) and just be happy for them. But yesterday for the first time I felt the DIVIDE. We had planned a girls night out for about 3 weeks for last night. Then from the morning one by one they all dropped out due to one reason or the other stemming from this new life they had to try and balance out. Even with all our UN style tactical planning, it just fell at the last hurdle and I was gutted because I didn't realise how much I had been looking forward to going out with them till it didn't happen.

I had my blinding epiphany that I was now a Bridget Jones style 'singleton'. For the first time I felt not that my friends were coupled, but that I wasn't! Nothing wrong with that, but my close circle have moved on to another phase of their life and that is one bridge I can't cross yet. I still want to enjoy myself and go to movies, clubs and shopping but a buddy just ain't a phone call away anymore.

I learnt earlier on to make sure I wasn't a third wheel (nothing in the world worse I tell you) but I have to also learn that we can't have the same social life either. They have to stretch their time to their men and the commitments that come with that and I need a new raving crew!

Nothing will ever change them being my sisters and confidants but the fabric of the situation has altered (hmm big English) and I need to adjust to that.

I participated in Race for Life, which is a 5 km race for Cancer Research, exclusively for female participants. Why it's so popular is because you can run, jog or walk the route. I, Caramel had a fantastic mixture of 75% jog and 25% power walking! I also had bunny ears on, but you will have to imagine that one, as you can see some ladies ran in tutus, while others wore pink pj's!! 17,000 women were there on my day alone!!!! The atmosphere was electric. I raised over £200, not sure yet though as some of my aunty's HAVEN'T GIVEN ME THEIR PLEDGE!!!!


Next year I'm going to run it, I have proven to myself that I can move my ass off my couch, so I now I want to do more ;)

Dress - £130
Hair - £40
Styling (WTF?) - £50
Shoes - £30
F&$king import duty for the dresses from the States - £40

Total so far......£290!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We bought the dresses from America to save money and now with this import rubbish it's the same amount anyway! I have lost weight and will have to get the dress fitted, I don't know how much that will cost. Also because I don't usually wear strapless outfits, I have to buy a strapless bra as well and they don't come cheap! The entire bill could reach £350. I am so angry, I have a headache.

What annoys me as well is that it is colouring my feelings towards the wedding. Someones special day and you are meant to be happy for them and all you can hear at the back of your head is the sound of over a quarter of your monthly paycheck going down the drain. I'm glad I put my foot down and said no to the make up lady (another £30). I will wear white powder and not give a damn!

I dare not talk to the bride or her sister right now because I will start family wahala. I am trying to cool down and it's not working. For the first time in my life, I get why people don't like weddings.

__________________________________

UPDATE
I have been fuming all day and walking around like black thunder trying to see ways of saving money and doing maths in my head ( a sure route to putting me in a graver mood). So I got home and my Mum came in after. Our neighbour called on us and he is sooooooo sick. He looks hagard, has lost three stone, can't keep food down and is frail (a man in his thirties). He is on hi and hello terms with my Mother and came to ask for a lift to the hospital tomorrow as his limbs hurt and he can't make it to the the bus stop without difficulty.

I gave him some food because he lives alone and my Mum agreed to take him tomorrow. Dear God, I thank you for my health, I won't shout over expensive weddings. What is money compared to health and having someone to look after you? I just learnt a very painful lesson this evening.

This morning I thought it would be a quiet day with no headaches.

By this afternoon I had changed my mind. My bridesmaid drama showed no signs of abating. I had called the bride's sister to ask a question about jewellery and mentioned in passing that i was off to buy our gold shoes, only to hear...
"Oh no Caramel it's not gold anymore, it's now silver."
"What do you mean?"
"Well we saw the dress up close and realised that it had silver threading and decided to change the shoes."
"No one told me!!!!! So if I hadn't called you, I would have been screwed."
"I thought you knew"

What rankles is that for ages I have been browsing shops and have passed countless silver shoes but have turned a blind eye in my quest for f@*king gold shoes. Two weeks before the wedding, outfit change and NOT A WORD !

Fast forward to the evening. My friend PL, had helped me picked the shoes and was going to have dinner with her fiancee. I had picked up my dinner and didn't want to rush home to my World War 3 house in a hurry and asked if I could chill in her flat and have my dinner then go home.

So far, so good.

We get to her flat, and I see that her brother (Ex-hottie, best kisser to date, former object of my desire, currently engaged to be married) was not going out but staying in. Not an issue. PL and her fiancee go to dinner, Ex-hottie goes to the sitting room and I'm in the kitchen making dinner and speaking on my phone.

After a while PL starts calling, I ignore it as I'm talking to my friend from India but it's persistent. She calls ex-hottie to say that they are turning around and are on the way to take me to dinner too!

Huh?

Why on earth would you break your date to turn around and add plus one? I argued that I had had dinner already, that they were on a date, that this made no sense! Nope, she said, they had decided to come and get me, it's Saturday night etc etc.

Fantastic, I am now a pity case.

I ask ex-hottie, why is your sister turning kolo, and he says.."she doesn't trust me alone in the house with you!"

I was about to laugh until I saw the look on his face. I seriously don't think he's joking. Now I'll wonder, really wonder what all of that was about! Is that why they came back? Does she know something I don't? Are we not all adults? He's getting married for heaven's sake!

Then in the middle of all of that, while I'm waiting for them to come and get me and I'm trying to decipher the look on ex-hottie's face, I'm getting three texts from Baked Beans! Is something in the air! Can you imagine! After total silence for 6 months, suddenly random jokey texts! For me to say what exactly?

'LOL'
'How are you?'
' :0)'

Rubbish!!!!!

I, Caramel Delight, look foward not backwards! Old news belongs in the bin!*

*Metaphor for old love interests, not encouragement to not recycle.