Time: 6 something am
Place: Caramel's bedroom

Anyone who has a parent that is medical personnel knows what it is like to be woken up and given instructions for the day before said parent goes to work, while they are still half asleep and woe betide you if you forget the barrage of instructions that flow through your duvet/blanket/wrapper to your ears.

This morning my Mum came to pick a fight. First of all it was to say that I had left a couple of dishes in the sink. I replied that I had forgotten them due to being sleepy as I had stayed up past midnight to do her laundry.

Second conversation went like this:

M: Are you going to the gym today
C: No I spent two hours there last night, I go on alternate days.
M: Don't they advice an hour every day?
C: Yes but they say an hour light exercise everyday, I did more than that yesterday!
M: That's not what my magazine says!
C: Mum please leave me, I'm begging!

This is where the anger came! My Mum and her blasted bloody stupid women's magazines. One is Take a Break and the other one is Women's Own. She loves those magazines die. Everything there is gospel. Aaaaaaaaaaarggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

My Mum and I have one serious beef and that is my weight. Nothing more, nothing less. She used to nag that I am not doing anything about it. That who knows if it is my Father's enemies using me against them (I kid you not), that at this rate I will die single as men don't like fat women and that it was bad for my health.

So you would think that losing and keeping off weight for the first time in my adult life would be a cause for celebration right? Is she happy that I have dropped three dress sizes? No! The issue now is that I am not losing it fast enough! She actually bristles when people congratulate me on my weight loss (haba)!!!

Jesus give me strength! We had a massive row a while back when I told her to stop cutting out true life stories from her bloody Take a Break about how 'Steve from Manchester' and 'Tiffany from Essex' lost half their body weight and saved themselves from an early death and leaving it in my bedroom. That every body's weight loss journey is different and I don't want to hear anymore true life crap!

The funny thing is I hate exercising and I was so happy with myself yesterday that I had carried my body in period hell and crawled to the gym and did not only do a circuit class but Hatha yoga as well and I was feeling really good and she has just deflated me. She knows which buttons to push and it really gets me pissed.

All through today, I will forget then remember then be in a bad mood again. She should just wait, shebi we are going to Atlanta to see her own Mother? May God keep her and bless her. For as long as she is on this planet I can report my own Mother to a higher power!! I am happy that my Mum will be in America longer than me, I need breathing space jo!

I know she is doing it out of concern but the way she is going on you would think that I can't move out of my bed, like the people on all those documentaries that a crane has to lift them from their bed! It is better for me and my sanity if she said nothing at all!!! Today all I have felt is paranoid and ugly.

The fact that I love her more than life itself is the only reason I didn't go all Xena Warrior Princess in that house this morning!! Mschhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

For the record any stupid Take a Break magazine I see in that house this evening will find itself in the recycling bin sharp sharp! OK I will stop ranting!

PS For anyone who read my former post have you tried naked dancing yet?

I have so many things buzzing in my head and I keep deleting what I'm writing.

First of all stop hating parts of your body. Recognise it for what it is, a beautiful vessel for your soul. Walk around naked! It is good for you. Very liberating. Go on try it! Go onnnn. Tell me something you like about your body in the comment box. I will try not to see crooked teeth, jelly belly and a bum that needs its own passport but ermm great boobs, lovely skin and a fabulous waistline.

I'm off to Atlanta for a week next weekend but it wasn't planned so I'll be leaving as the rest of my family will be coming so I have to find some fun on my own. If anyone has some hot spots they think I should check out please let me know.

My cousin is trying to hook me up with her inlaw but I'm not interested and I'm not bothered. I am trying to be polite and he is a cool guy but I feel bad when he calls from Naija because I know those calls are expensive. In fact not to be overly dramatic but the whole man thing just tires me at the moment. I really don't give a rat's arse right now. He has just asked if I had a boyfriend but I dodged. If he asks again I will use it as an oportunity to tell him what's up. I believe in being honest. It's not nice when someone is stringing you along.

OK I'm going to stop writing for now because I am in a bad mood and I'm trying to shake it but it's not working. The Mary J Blige track below is here because I think it's a great track for naked dancing. Enjoy ;)

Just in case you all don't know what I'm talking about, two of our very own got married quite recently and Blogsville has been full of puns like:
Siriusly Freaky
Freakishly Sirius ( my favourite).

Freaksho married ~Sirius~ and it was beautiful.

Now every good story needs to start at the beginning but ermm quite frankly they might kill me. So I will skip a few details (but shah check on me in a week's time to make sure I'm still breathing). So Sirius came into my life when I was 14(ish) and I was later blessed to be able to have her as my landlady while I served in NYSC. That was when she met her future hubby (ohhhh hehehehe).

Now let's get this straight, the girl is one of the most beautiful people you could ever meet both inside and out, so of course there were some young gentlemen hanging around but my money has always been on Freaksho and see I backed the winner :) When the time was right and he proposed and she said yes, there was plenty of screaming and clapping (and that was just me) and so I settled down for some serious wedding planning.

That's when the emails and IM's started.


S: Caramel, I don't want a bridal train or anything like that.
C: Yup that's cool, nice and simple.

S: Caramel, I think we might be getting married in the middle of the week.
C: Huh?

S: Caramel I want a small wedding, 100 people max.
C: Are you crazy? In Lagos? Never!

But here is the topic that actually raised my BP and it wasn't even from the bride....

F: I'm not wearing a tie and I'm not wearing any flowers in my button hole. (Something something about it not being manly, I can't recall because at this point I was feeling faint)
C: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? What do you mean no tie? You're the groom!!!!


Now, anyone that reads this blog regularly knows that in the past two years I have been in a wedding/bridesmaid explosion and I have suffered for it. You can get a bit fed up with the pomp and circumstance of it all but come on! I had to protest!

Yet these two were serious and this is why they suit! Sirius is so laid back she is nearly horizontal. She doesn't let things agitate her normally and she definitely avoids drama. Freaksho is such a geek, he is weird to the point of cool. These two do not do convention. In fact as I'm typing this I wonder why I was actually surprised.

So they planned and they stuck to their guns which is no easy feat when your parentals are on your case and EVERYONE has an opinion. I flew home to see two people I care about get hitched, as long as it wasn't on a rope bridge over a snake pit I was ready for the ride.

And it was beautiful.

Apart from the beginning where Freaksho looked stressed because we were only 9 minutes late (Dude, most brides average being an hour late), there wasn't a frowning face the whole day. Everyone knew someone, no one was lost in a crowd, and all eyes were on the couple who spent the whole day grinning.

I didn't miss the high table, I didn't miss the hall decorations, band, DJ, MC and over inflated ego boosting that happens at Naija weddings. Instead we had a room full of people overlooking a peaceful view of Lagos, with kick ass food, who were free to walk around and chat and kiss the bride and shake the groom's hand.

They actually pulled it off! In Lagos!

Freaksho did wear the red rose flower buttonhole though, thank God ;)

A note about meeting fellow Bloggers.

They never look like what you think they will.
Incoherent is a sparkling fizzing ball of energy with big brown Bambi eyes and eloquent hands.
Muse looks like what I think Igbo warriors of old would like back in the day. All brawn and such. I thought men who write such great poetry would be tortured souls that exist on air and coffee!
Rita does not look like her picture! I'm sorry Rita it is true. Take the picture down. You are getting younger not older (who did you bribe up there for such good fortune with your face??)
Finally I think I scared Laide (XSN) because I swooped on her like a crazed fan and forgot she hadn't actually met me before. Sorry Laide!


To Freaksho and ~Sirius~, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I know great things are going to come from your union. I feel it and I know it and I can't wait to see it.

Love always x

____________________________________________________

Update y'all!

I have been granted permission to clear up small confusion that came via my inbox ; carameldelightinc@yahoo.co.uk (holla!!).

Freaksho and ~Sirius~ didn't meet on Blogger. Oya lemme gist you small.
While she was waiting for her call up letter for NYSC, Sirius was working at a very sexy magazine and Freaksho was at an advertising firm (oh full of fine dangerous men LMAO). See eh when I leave for work to go to my asset management office and Sirius leaves to go to her magazine, what we are wearing is completely different. I would mostly be conservative and classy. Sirius would be classy and sizzling hot!!!!! She put the 'P' in pencil skirt!

So I don't know what she did to Freaksho when she walked into his office to collect artwork for his company's ad in her magazine but I can hazard a guess! LMAO!!!!!!! For real though the guy had to work hard. Sirius doesn't send.

Case in point. Their first 'date'. I think that Freaksho had asked for a double date movie thing so that there would be no pressure. So far so good right? Well my girl brought me and another friend and we arrived about 50 minutes late. We missed the original movie and got stuck with Rush Hour 8 or something and Freaksho hated the movie choice (he still won't forgive me for picking it). So instead of a cosy foursome, it was five people watching a 'bad' movie, then Sirius makes sure that she wasn't even near him and spent the whole movie texting on her phone! Chai!

Well he hung in there............ isn't life grand?

Thank God for journey mercies oh! I came back on Saturday and I had been on 6 different flights so I really have to thank God because that is 12 different times of taking off and landing which is when your plane is under the most stress and more likely to blow up (yes I thought about that every time!!)

OK let me tell you all the fab stuff about my trip. First was hugs and kisses. From family and friends. My brother and little cousins are growing so fast, my friends are so glamorous and handsome and my cousins and aunts/uncles are shiny and glowing. I loved seeing each and everyone of them. And for the first time in my adult life all I heard was "you are looking so good Caramel, keep it up". Jehovah! That was a really big deal for me!

Second fab stuff. My new house!!! It was the first time I got to see it 90% completed. All my life in my home town we had been in my Grandfather's palace. Where your business is every one's concern and you walk around in the same compound as hooligans who are trying to kill your Father and there is nothing you could do about it because it was their home too. But now ehen, Caramel has her own room with en suite so I can walk around in my knickers and jump on my bed and it was all good. The house is freaking huge though, cleaning it lost me 3 kg in one week!

Third fab stuff. My sweetheart's wedding which is the main reason I flew home in the first place. I was soooooooo happy seeing the couple together, it was ridiculous. Exclusive gist is coming! I will write a post about that later because it was quite revolutionary for a Nigerian wedding.

Last fab stuff. Ube! Yes oh, you heard me! African pear and corn! I ate ube like it was going out of fashion. My tongue was perpetually green. If you analyse my blood it will be just ube, corn and coconut :)

Not so fab stuff (NSFS)

NSFS one. I was haunted by ghosts of lovers past. I had one who I have previously called Party Boy, explain to me that why he vanished for four months while I was doing my NYSC was because he felt we were getting too serious and he didn't want to hurt me so he decided in his infinite wisdom, to vanish off the face of the earth, cause me untold worry and increase my BP so as to cool down our romance and keep us just at friends level. Have you ever heard such BS?! The ear bashing I gave him is too long for this post. He apologised and said he didn't want to be an ex boyfriend who I would think of as an asshole but I had to reply that that was what he ended up being anyway. Anyway old gist. I have no beef for the guy, and there is still mad chemistry between us BUT my life is too short. I did tell him to review how he treats women though cos his policies have serious K leg!!

Also Baked Beans sister told me that he really likes me, crazy about me, and always talks to her about me and goes into a bad mood when we used to argue etc etc. Pekele pekele! Tales by moonlight! Are we talking about the Ice Prince of Anambra State? The one guy who was still calling me a friend with his last breath. She said it was all smoke and mirrors. True as that maybe it still doesn't change anything. Gave me food for thought though. These men in my life and their stories. Saying one thing and meaning another. I wish I had a guy who would look me in the face and talk straight for once with no games or egos.

NSFS two. I didn't get time to be anyone other than Caramel the sister, daughter and niece. I had worked my butt off at home especially with looking after my 98 yr old Grandma who needs help with personal care and feeding etc (OMG where was BSNC for advice???) that I had been looking forward to letting my hair down in Lagos. Unfortunately through bizarre bad luck I missed my flight and didn't make it back to Lagos till Monday. Missed my sweetheart's bridal shower over the weekend! I was also meant to meet some friends but that never happened either and I had been looking forward to that so much. There must be a reason I don't know yet. Maybe if I had gone out on Saturday I would have ended up being some Sultan's 18th wife in Saudi Arabia.......who knows? LMAO!!!

So questions to help me answer.....

1. Why are women spending N150 000 on fake hair?
2. Why is there a new roundabout on the Lekki express way?
3. Why did FIFA give Nigeria a football ban?
4. How does my Aunty get her puff puff so light and airy?
5. Why does my cooking taste better in Nigeria?
6. What good luck was on my side to make me get my foodstuff past customs in Heathrow? LMAO!!!!

1. I love books! Love them die! If I don not have a book in my handbag, I get very very cranky. Agatha Christie is my favourite of all time, but I love so many genres. If I start discussing it now, the post won't finish. From when I was a little girl, books were my daily companion for an only child. From your room you could be transported to any continent, any era, any adventure. Bliss!

I have another post, a meme Lucidlilith tagged me on ages ago but the more I wrote that one, the more I just had to write about the dream I had last night.

I have dreams all the time, mostly random rubbish that I don't remember. I have the odd freaky premonition dreams about loved ones and they are always negative and turn out to be true. Last night's one was different. I dreamt about a man. I don't remember his face but I believe it's someone I have never met before because surely I would have recognised him.

So from what I can remember I'm at a work function and we are all dressed up but I'm still working (happens a lot). The difference is I'm in an evening gown but I still have my notepad and big camera. So mystery man is shadowing me like you do when you are on work experience or something. He knows my manager (called her by name) but I know he is not a colleague.

The whole evening looks like a fashion show gala put together by our students but instead of normal teenagers from my college the 'students' are my old girls from my FGGC school! Random!! Anyways the whole evening, mystery man is helping me work but we snipe at each other all the time and he is winding me up and getting better interviews and quotes than I am, so I should be annoyed but I'm enjoying his company.

What I do recall clearly is that even when we stop working, he still sits with me and won't let anyone draw him away and he kissed me twice . Short, quick and by surprise. I can't remember how the dream ends, but why I'm even writing this down is the feeling I had when I woke up.

Such contentment and happiness.

Now it could have been my new double bed with new springy mattress, or the ibruprofen I took because I hurt myself in the gym last night, but I doubt it. The feeling of pure undiluted happiness I had in the first two minutes of waking up, I am sad to say I have not felt in 'real' life for a very long time. The dream itself wasn't all that if we are relying purely on content (two short kisses? pah! I've had better fantasy dreams that could make your computer screen crack) so was it this human being thatI have never met before?

If we are going all spiritual and that is 'The One', well he was defintely not my type. Looked nothing like anyone I have gone gaga for in the past. I wish I could remember his face! The more I think about it the more a veil drops over the whole thing. Puzzling, huh?

Praise be to the Lord!!!!!

After six months and ten days of homelessness, we finally moved in to our new house over the weekend. My body hurts but my heart is happy. Obviously our new home looks like a war zone but we have a clear path to the bathroom, kitchen and our beds and for now that is all that matters :)

May God bless you guys for your empathy and concern. For your viewing pleasure I present to you my little cousin in his thanksgiving video for our new house. PS sorry about the wobbly video I was dancing as well while filming.