If you are among the blessed few that actually read my blog, then I most apologise for my absence. I have been visiting home for two weeks and it has been hectic. By hectic I mean "really where has my fourteen days gone?" and by home I mean London.

For my patriotic Nigerians who might want to beat me up, I ask that you no vex!! I really was home, the type that is different from my home town in Nigeria. I mean the home that has been part and parcel of your life experience and where every bus stop, restaurant and corner shop has a memory.
When we drove in from the airport I was in love all over again looking at the trees in Autumn, the red buses and even my local Sainsburys!!!!

I have been here for two weeks with no Internet in the house cos my Mum took it off when I left for Naija so no available surfing. Also really there is no way that I'm blogging in my local Internet cafe where anyone can streeeeeeeetttttcccccccchhhhhhh their neck and do loookie loookie.

My hols are over and I'm back Naija style tommorow, but the gist and the bitching and rejoicing is plenty and I will be venting very soon...........

Well well well, Pooh Bear doesn't want to be called Pooh Bear anymore (being typed with sulky face). Apparently he feels that the name strips him of his masculinity and virility!! It wouldn't even help if I assured cyberspace that in the flesh he is gorgeous and manly and cool and a whole powder keg of testosterone!! Nope the man is stubborn and has asked me to changed it since I said it was their choice.

Whatever, when I mentioned that I was writing a blog and that did my mates want anonymous names or their own, he wasn't even listening. Now he is an avid reader and I ain't getting no peace. So in the name of democracy and interactiveness Pooh Bear is now..... TRAVIS (tell the truth Pooh Bear is better right??)

Want to use this medium to say a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Thank you for understanding that I had to miss your party over the weekend cos of our bereavement and I owe you a serious drink (or two, or three, look who's counting ?)

My Uncle died on Saturday and it hurts because it represents not just the loss of a good man but the disappearance of a stellar generation. They're not that much left and I know it is the passing of an age.

I remember when I was sixteen and my cousin wanted to hold a party over Christmas and we realised that my late Uncle's house was the best place because it had wide spaces and gorgeous wooden floors. So I was dispatched (as the girl) to go and ask permission. With trepidation I went to him and my Auntie (at a family wedding) and asked with no hope if we could invade their house at their inconvenience and have a party. We the smile of someone who has had teenage children he just said ok but try and leave the walls standing if you can!!

I was amazed because let me tell you I know A LOT of people who would have said "are you crazy??", but he was cool like that. I never saw him in action as a High Court judge but as an Uncle you happily gave him respect.....

With these thoughts in my head I hurt and tried to sort my thoughts out over the weekend but I just was not in the best place to do so, but now as I stare at my screen I realise that all that matters is that may he rest in peace, Amen and may his family take comfort in their memories of him.

Last weekend I went up to my hometown to spend some quality time with my family as had a Public Holiday on Monday. Now my Dad's family is polygamous as my Grandad, a king decided to fill his royal household with roughly 20 wives. Anyway when I got in I went to greet those who were around and the general consensus was that I was looking so glowly and lovely and delicious! Great right? Yeah it would have been if that didn't lead to the comment of "why on earth are you not yet married?"



Now for the record I am the poster child for single women everywhere. I have never been in a serious relationship and to be fair that didn't really ping on my radar till I had finished university (guess I was too busy loving uni), but anyway a favourite pastime for those around me in Nigeria this year is to guess why I am still single. Brace yourself, Nigerians are not known for their subtlety...

1. I'm fat ... (this from my Mum. I would love to tell her that the last man to have his hands on my body loved it. But I can't say that she would have a heart attack)


2. I'm too nice... (from a very cool mate, so maybe I should listen but really what am I meant to do, walk around in a PVC catsuit and a whip????)


3. I'm too nice, part 2..(from a mate who pointed out that I'm such a cool friend that guys get too comfortable and don't want to think about me as anything else!!)


4. I'm too smart..(apparently I awe people with my use of the English language and computer skills at work ! Hahahaha really my computer levels are nothing special and quite frankly I'm not walking around an investment house saying things like 'watcha???', 'aiight?' and 'Am I boovverrreedd?' just to mix up a little slang in my vocabulary.

The final one though that I heard last week and that I have heard from different sources is that i look too expensive !!!!! I mean really !!! This is the last straw! Apparently I look too expensive and that makes guys think that if they approach me they would have nothing to offer etc etc etc.

As we say in Lagos "Na wah oh !! See me see trouble!!". I'm just walking around minding my own business in my lovely high street clothes, which quite frankly mostly originate from Primark and people are acting like I have designer gear on !!!

Well this actually bothered me for a while you know, because while I have been in Nigeria these past 9 months stuff happened that gave me an inkling that people must assume really weird stuff about me, like I'm rolling POUNDS STERLING!! For the record I have an overdraft, laughable savings and a student loan from Her Majesty's Government that still needs repaying. SO to now add to that by saying that my love life will also suffer over these same presumptions really rankled.

Now I say "what a load of crap !!!!" If you get to know me you would know that while I have slept in five star hotels , I have also slept on a mat on a concrete floor. And while I have relaxed in rose scented bubble baths I have also had a bath with half a bucket of water that I have fetched from a well.

If you don't know me and sight me from across a room and think I'm expensive then guess what? You are not man enough for me to take the challenge and cross the room and tell me what you have to offer!!!!!

OK I don't want it to look like I am man bashing :0) Like I have said before both sexes are guilty of the mess we make in trying to figure out a relationship. I'm still on DENIAL by the way just that the other post was getting way too long and didn't want to scare anyone reading (if anyone is reading).



Normally I rant, but this time I'm just confused so in reality I'm musing. I just don't get why we make a complicated matter all the more complicated and let me tell you in Lagos it is x10.

1B. DENIAL

Ladies we are the champions of denying when things are going south and I don't mean our boobs without a push up bra. Why is it that it is evident to everyone around you that you and your guy just don't work the way it was meant to, but not to you.

He hasn't meant your friends and really doesn't want to, you have had multiple arguments over some parts of his lifestyle that disturb you deeply but nothing has changed, hie ex's are never quite out of his life or yours for that matter and always hang around like a bad smell, he doesn't support your dreams but you support his, your Momma doesn't like him and you have more than a sneaking suspicion that he cheats on you when he travels .....BUT

You hang on after the fights and discovered emails and text messages, you hang on even though the explanations he gives you wouldn't fool a five year old, you hang on even though he has made you a paranoid and nagging wreck that wakes him up in the middle of the night so that you can ask him questions when you feel that his defences are down !!!

WHY ??? Really I don't get it. Why stay in that kind of relationship? Are you worried that you won't meet anyone else or are you worried that after putting all those years and effort into the relationship you can't stand to think that it was all for nothing?? Or is it love?? Hmmm. Denial of a situation just makes someone into a shadow of their former self and from what I've seen in my life and those around me, it's a real mess....

So roll on Sunday, the house was lovely and jumping with Phoenix's brother back from London, his 2 friends, their Dad and Neny down for a visit for a week. Anywho's the arrival of P's brother also meant the arrival of his laptop so with the girls battling to wash off P's relaxer without enough shampoo (it was an epic battle that would put Troy to shame) , I decided to go on msn (surprise, surprise).

Unfortunately, my mate from Jordan tried to send me some holiday pics and they were corrupted, so even though I didn't open them it was bugging some of my friends that were signed on (aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh), so I was trying to fix the problem with instructions from ex hottie when I mentioned how he used to be my techie wizard, to which he replied that no more freebies it was payment only.

I made the joke that I was broke which he replied that sexual favours were also accepted (I walked into that one ) to which I replied that he had lost all routes to the cookies, since he had let go off the cookie jar. Answer to that was that the cookie jar was moving to another continent so............ (and here I thought, OK i guess we are going to have this conversation)

Still in metaphors, I finally replied, then why did you start your diet so early??

You see that has always, always, always, bugged me. You see i didn't have a right to be sulky girl when he called things off because I knew we were never Harrow's answer to Romeo and Juliet and also I was leaving at the end of the first week in January, but what really got me was him calling it off like a few days before Christmas. What had always been my cold comfort was that at least I would have my allocated holiday time with him and then to have that zoomed out was a bitch. I tell you that was my Christmas messed up.

Yet I had to show that I was big girl and was cool, so come last Sunday when we were talking online, it was finally a relief to say "hey you messed up my Christmas". His explanation was that he knew that the time was coming u and didn't want to go cold turkey so he ended things early. He apologised about the timing, explaining that his Christmas was dodgy in his eyes and he didn't remember to think about other peoples......... anyway he asked what to do to make it better and I brushed it off.

Why? Cos for me who is always not wanting to be confrontational (unless seriously pissed off) I was just happy to get it off my chest. Things can't stay serious for long though, especially as he found out that my laptop had a web cam, so there I was in my slob clothes, no make up, hair net etc and he could see me on the freaking web cam. He wanted me to go all American Pie (hahahaha) but I just tormented him instead.

Now here is the annoying thing, isn't this what the Americans call "closure" ? Everything by all rights should be done and dusted, I should be looking forward not back, right? After all he has never asked anything of me on that level and probably never will. SO why do I still keep wishing?? It's a terrible thing ! I should just be grown up about it and separate attraction from real life and get on with things but I am shocked by how hard I am finding that one task. Well I'm nothing if not stubborn and I have no other option than to five myself a mental slap and say "SNAP OUT OF IT WOMAN!!!!"

PS Phoenix is psychic I think, she wasn't crazy about the blue outfit for Saturday's wedding and the zip went at the 11th hour AND she told to ask ex-hottie about last Christmas and I said noooo not on msn and that's what ended up happening anyway!! Spooky....

PPS Oh I really hope ex hottie has forgotten about the existence of this site, eek!

Oh can you hear the wedding bells ?? My boss got married on Saturday not too far from my house. I wanted Phoenix to come with me but I think she gets jittery at weddings. She says she doesn't like all the long drama that comes with planning it and trying to keep everyone happy which you actually have to multiply by 10 in relation to Nigerian weddings. No joke, serioulsy I know some people who would rather fly to London and get married beacuse if you add their flight tickets and stuff it is still cheaper and less hassle than a full blown Lagosian society wedding.

Anyway, after I dragged my body out of bed I realised I wasn't going to be able to make the church , but the good news was that my esteemed landlady had decided to come so we did some Saturday cleaning and was in the shower quicker than you can say " I do ". I was going to wear a traditional outfit, a two piece in dark blue that is so lovely and everything was going fine, until I bent over to pick up my handbag and then RIPPPPPPP, there goes the zipper.

Well I am usually one to be calm and cool, but I wasn't at that moment, NO SIR!! So Phoenix is like well wear your brown dress, and i'm like "the boobs, the boobs ", good enough for a night out, but I'm not sure about a wedding so we ran around the house looking for something cream or brown to wear under said cleavage exposing dress. Phoenix found a vesty thing which on me was a boob tube, but it worked and we were off.

We got there and the Mass was over and they were taking pictures. Phoenix then pointed out that it was a good thing I was wearing the dress as that made me look on par with all the other chiquitas that were there. After my requsite neck stretching to see the couple (looking resplendent in tux and glowing white taffeta) and taking pictures with vendors that hand around and bring it back to you in 2 hours, we went in next door for the reception.

Thank God is was very speedy, you know? No loooooooooong speeches or convulted madness, that I'm sure was on direct orders from my boss. Talking about my boss at one point he looked so pensive and deep in thought and I wasn't the only one that noticed. All I thought was cheer up mate, leave it for today and just enjoy the moment!!! On a lighter note, his MC, was cracking us up, he had the whole room in the palm of his hand it was mad!!! Joke, after joke, after joke it really was the making of the whole thing, and to think the guy is a banker !!

I'll have one rant and then I'm done, the couple wanted to have a slow dance first before the requisite disco madness where guests come and spray you with money. The singer in the band has made the announcement explaining this non-Nigerian thing of having a romantic moment before the hurly burly and still THREE PEOPLE came up to them to spray them then sway with them in time to the music, I mean honestly what am I going to do with my people????

Oh Lord in heaven I am sooooooo tired, I am in an epic battle against the sweet lull of closing my eyes and putting my head on the table. Now usually I don't like seeing would be clients alone but I would happily leave the office right now just so that it would keep me awake and alert as one cannot afford to drool and fall asleep in front of big money paying clients.

I WANT TO LEAVE THE OFFICE!!! Partly because of my sleep deprivation and partly because there are errands I want to run outside the office which are near my clients and partly because if I am sleepy and only doing administrative stuff that's when the temptation to go on msn comes in. On that note though I do have to say that I have been quite strong of late when it comes to you know who (no stupid not Lord Voldermort). One of my birthday resolutions was to realize that Hollywood doesn't happen in real life and you have to harder and wiser. So therefore, no more mooning over people you can't have.

(PS talking about guys that I have a soft spot for, I've been on the phone with one of them lately and he tells me he is coming home for Christmas and he has to see me for a visit or else!!! I'm thinking "for my sanity I will not be staying in your home overnight thank you very much, I've just remembered how sexy your voice sounds!!!!" One day when I'm over the mortification I'll talk about my extreme moment of madness.)

Anyway I digress, THE LOST ONE HAS FOUND SOME LOST POUNDS. Nope not the monetary kind, the flabby kind. I do believe I'm putting on weight. Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggghhhh. Sad but true. So much for Nigeria helping me shed a few pounds. I really feel that it's creeping back up. I'm not sure why, not enough fruit ? (I'm scared after the whole typhoid thing), or inactivity or whatever I don't know. All I know is that my kangaroo pouch (lower abs to you) is bigger.

I need to re think this whole body thing because one thing I've learnt with myself is that even though I'm not going to be slim, I do need to make sure I don't go further down the slippery slope. So let's reach into the Jane Fonda inside all of us and feel the burn! Luckily Phoenix has a stepper in the house which is currently covered by a light layer of dust. I will have to drag it out and step for victory.

I am a firm believer in inside exercise, I do not feel any great need to put on faded joggers and start jogging on the streets. NO WAY JOSE. Apart from gated communities and estates, when was the last time you saw a hefty person on the road??? Exactly. The trick is to kill yourself at home or in the gym, then when you get to a level where you no longer freak yourself out, then you're on the road!!

I didn't jog outside in England and I'm definitely not going to bother here, between the mad drivers, the random hawkers, the drivers driving on the wrong side of the road, the possessed bus drivers, the motorcycle drivers that speed like they are running from debtors and the agitated pedestrians I would be a wreck.

I also think a detox would be a good idea, I'm full of crap, so bring on the green tea and water.......

Another thing by the way, I always thought that if I came down to Lagos I would find some tried and tested recipe for system flushing and weight loss, well I'm still on that journey of discovery :) Until then it will be the good old fashion way.