For the first time in years I didn't go to Church today and I'm not sick.

I woke up to find a rare occurrence of my Dad going out for the day and my Mum at work till 8pm this night and the house was suddenly quiet. No one calling on me for this, that or the other and the other and suddenly my body just crumpled. I sort of have a hazy memory of my Dad saying something about putting his underwear in the washing machine but that just seemed like a dream. Next thing I know, it's 11.30am and my last local Mass is 12pm. Well, I just decided to go to the church a quick bus ride away for the 6.30pm mass later in the day and just about dragged my body to wash and spread said laundry.

Then I think I slept again, tweeted , cleaned the bathroom and had cereal. But it was all very surreal, I couldn't face the thought of seeing people, having to interact with the public, having to even brush my hair. It was just like I was shutting down very slowly. I had run out of pep.

I did manage to haul myself five minutes down the road to the salon to get my face done (wax off those pesky hairs that threaten my already frayed self esteem) but the beautician wasn't in! That will teach me!!

What makes it so awkward is that my Dad came home early, so at the old age of 29 I lied that I had been to another Church down the road (I'll let you all know what happens if/when he figures that one out) and I resented having to lie. Something along the lines of "I can make choices without having to justify myself..." went through my brain.

But I'm still not fussed. My brain is still switched off on some weird level and I refuse to engage, because if I do, all I will hear may be my voice silently screaming.

But those few hours where it was me and the quiet house was absolute bliss. I didn't have to put on a Caramel performance and smile and say funny things and be 'me'. It was just one woman and her bed and I loved it.