July was a 'trying' month. I held off here because I couldn't do with just writing and writing about bad stuff. I have learned a few things though. They include:

  • When next my Mum travels for a month, she can leave either her husband or her son. She can't leave both for me!
  • As a former pneumonia sufferer, I am apparently prone to chest and throat infections and can no longer utter the words, 'it's just a little cough, no need to see the doctor'.
  • If you have loved ones that you don't see often. Appreciate the small times you do get to see them as that could be the last time you see them alive. Next thing you know, you are getting a phone call that a young man who you saw smiling and laughing a year ago is dead. May the soul of my cousin and the souls of the all the faithful departed rest in peace. Eternal life grant them oh Lord and let perpetual light shine on them. May their souls rest in peace, Amen.

My aunty called me and told me she was checking on me because my Dad had said I was really upset over my cousin. Now this is my correct Aunty who calls from Naija all the time so I was really happy to hear from her. She then said from nowhere "I have found your husband! This one I mark 100%"....

Oh dear.

She then preceded to tell me about the guy's Mum who is her in-law and how awesome she is and how fabulous the guy is and how I should play nice. As I type this, I have just realised that I don't even know the guy's name. If past history is anything to go by, this is not going to end well. Don't believe me? OK take a seat dear one and read on...

  • First time I had the unfortunate experience of being hooked up, it was by an over zealous woman who thought that she could score points with my Dad by hooking up his only daughter. She lied to me and asked for my email to send something for my Dad and then proceeded to tell me that there is this guy who works for First Bank in Awka ( I think) and that he would really REALLY like to talk to me. This woman badgered me to death before I agreed. We then swapped emails. Now this was a while ago and I can't remember the details, but later I got an email from the guy asking me what was wrong with me. Why would a young woman in London be looking for a guy in Nigeria? Was I ugly or desperate? I swear this is the truth! I finished this guy eh, then turned my wrath on the woman and reported her to my Dad too. I'm sure I blogged about it and if I find the link I will add.

  • Second time I was sitting with my bestie at home one evening when my mobile phone just rang. I said hello, and then a guy speaking in the purest old school Igbo that would make village men sound like Prince Charles introduced himself to me, that he was from so so and so village and that my Aunty Oby gave him my number to introduce himself. Now I only have two Oby's in my family. One is my cousin (near my age) and the second one is my uncle's wife in Birmingham and in a million years she would never give out my number. SO I was baffled. He said his father also knew my Dad. So as politely as possible (cos I was sure I was speaking to a 60 yr old man) I told him to get more information from his Dad before I could speak to him. This guy kept calling and the more he called, the more 'Igbotic' he sounded. He also told me that he was a cleaner and he had no papers. At this point, I smelt a rat as he said he was happy being a cleaner. No Nigerian man could EVER say that. I stopped picking up the calls. I later found out that it was my aunty in Nigeria who had changed her name after repenting her former life, that had given my number. I WAS LIVID! I called her sister in London and ranted and raved!!  When I got to Naija for my Grandma's funeral my Aunty was very apologetic, she said she got so carried away that she didn't even think to ask me even though her sister warned her I wouldn't like it. I then said to her but what kind of Papa are you attaching me to? She was shocked! She told me that the guy was a young man, degree holding British citizen who worked for the UK Border Agency!!!! Let me tell you all, I believe this guy has either a white or West Indian girlfriend who he wants to marry and the Papa did not agree and I was the muppet caught in the middle. I DO NOT LIKE SUCH. If I ever see the guy, I will tell him off so badly because that was just underhanded and mean.

  • Third time, my Dad's cousin told my Mum that his friend in China (yes that's right, China), wanted to get to know me. At this point I told my Mum I don't want oh! my Mum now begged me. So mumu like myself gave my number. At this point I was off sick with laryngitis so with the crazy time difference, the only time he could call was in the afternoon. The conversation would not flow and I was bored. I kept trying to introduce a topic and it would just be monosyllabic answers, but he still kept calling. So when I got better, I told him that I was going back to work so he better give me his Whatsapp or BBM  or Facebook. I wasn't all that bothered to be fair but my uncle kept calling my Mum and harassing me. How can the guy start seriously dodging? Even going so far as to say that his computer was being fixed so he was off Facebook? Muahahahaha! In China you no get smartphone? That was when I signed off trying to be polite. he called one afternoon at work and of course I missed it. That was the end of that. I told my uncle I'm not stupid.

  • Last one shouldn't even get a mention but it is a cautionary tale of the fact that mad people plenty. I have mentioned on this blog before how there was a mad woman stalking me at church. She kept going on and on about her she wanted me to meet her husband's best friend. Can I mention that I did not know her from Eve but as fellow Igbo people in our church we were automatically besties! After dodging her Jack Bauer style for 5 months she finally got me in front of our priest. God is so good, I had my office mobile on me and gave her that number. That's how this dry man from Wales started calling me. Could not hold a single serious conversation. Only kept going on about how he had a Law Masters degree. Awesome! So now what? *silence*. Back in church I told this lady I'm not interested, that is when the full on stalking started. Calling me all the time, coming to different masses to try and get me, even sending her husband to accost me in the church car park. I flipped one day, called him on the phone and told him to tell his wife to back off. This was last September. How can in January she started again. She then told my Mum she was popping in for coffee, lo and behold, in she comes with the guy and her husband. I served them drinks and carried my hand bag and walked out. In all the drinks serving time, Mr Wales didn't once even look at me to say yo. So when I left he asked my Mum for permission to date me! HEHEHEEHHOHOHOHOHOHO. I laugh in Chinese. My Mum told him that that isn't how we operate as I a grown woman who knows my own mind. She was shocked! The look on her face when I got home was priceless! Later she pulled the woman aside and told her to chill. My Mum got angry because the lady had been telling people in our church that I was stringing her along. I had to ask if I was the last Igbo woman in the UK?

So dearly beloved, I have been minding my business and all this wahala has been at my door. It may actually be beneficial to my health to find a significant other so people can leave me alone. You can see why I am about to hide behind the couch until this wave of hook ups pass!

Please ladies has this happened to you? Guys too, are you in the danger zone?

Stay delightful xx