I know this might sound childish but I so have to share my trip to a cracker factory.

OK at work we had that whole thing about my department needing new clients so we got a heads up from 'new property guy' , and it was this gentleman that was an industry leader actually because he was the President and CEO of Belloxi Crackers which is this big family brand name in the biscuit world. I know the cracker and I haven't been there long and before I hear anyone saying, "well it is biscuit Caramel, and we know you like your biscuit!!", I will point out that I know the brand because my Dad loves crackers....

Anywhos... we called him up and we set an appointment to go and see him and talk about the wonderful world of financial investment packages. After getting a bit lost we turned up at his office which is also the factory grounds and when you get inside the building ...ohhhhhhh the divine smell of fresh baked complex carbs is absolutely heavenly. I'm telling you it was all I could do to hang on to my professional demeanour :)
After a long time we finally got to see him and I was all business and trying my best to give all my market spiel, my undoing was when one of the staff brought in two samples of light warm crackers and told us to try and spot which one was better. I had dreamt of this I swear , it was like my dream job coming to light. Well straight away I was on the job and spotted the less than perfect cracker.
Well after the hard meeting where he grilled us good and proper he promised to get back to us, ie we calling him and pestering him till he gave in , he then told us to follow his head of quality control for a tour of the factory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah it was like school trips in primary school, who cares that I'm 25 this was way fun. So we put on our protective head gear and toured the factory floor. We saw where the flour and mix goes in and the cute cookie cutters that make the cracker shape and the oven the bakes them in 4 mins!!!!!!!!!!!
After the tour where I asked important and grown up questions while shouting yipeeeeeeee inside, we got given a cartoon of crackers !!! Which i did share all around to EVEYONE and by the time it reaches my parents i would have earned major daughter points.
Well isn't it weird, you get dressed, sexy make up and big plans and 7/10 times it doesn't turn into anything special...but when you don't plan you get a rocking night !!!!

Well last Friday, I was in no mood to party at all but Goldie was adamant that everyone was having drinks because we were at risk of getting old before our time (are you sure that I haven't reached ???)

Anywho's because I hadn't thought it through, I was in my plainest of clothes straight from CD and I was working the whole poor relative look very well as compared to Goldie and Phoenix. Also in true Caramel style, I also had chicken sauce down my white top!! So much for being a laaddddyyyyyyyyy.

There was no way out it, so I put on minimum make up so I don't look like a complete loss and draped my yellow pashmina over my chicken lickin' stains and of we went across the road.

When we got there my two big cousins were there and some of Pooh Bear's friends (Pooh Bear works in MADE too and is a darling). So my night started with a Banana Banshee cocktail and I was feeling very Sex and the City (can u tell I don't get out much? ). So things were ok, the company was fabulous, the bar called Bungalows was chilled and the music was lovely and I suddenly felt myself relaxing and laughing when Phoenix went to the bar and went on FACEBOOK !!!! Yep the owner had a laptop hooked up to the bar.

Well after my cocktail I noticed the bottle of Vodka on the table and I thought fantastic !! I tell you with all honesty I was suddenly tired of being ill, having flu, having typhoid, and then the worst of period since boarding school days , I wanted to have fun damnit!!! Of course God bless my cousins as they were pouring and I was drinking!!!

Now as the night wore on, I met people and made good conversation and loved the music and was the very picture of decorum ....ok ok ok I'm lying but that is my official story and I'm sticking to it !!

According to Phoenix and Goldie my behaviour went something like this, clicking on cigarette lighters every time a favourite tune came on and waving it in the air, hitting on Goldie and asking her out (I did it to wind her up), trying to smoke my cousin's cigarette (I'm quite shocked at that one actually), and shame on shame trying out my seductive looks on Pooh Bear and Goldie and waiting on feedback !!!! To crown the night, yours truly then went all video honeyz on everyone and was dropping it like it was hot and my joints were made of elastic :)

Well I say lovely as long as my cousins don't want to Fed-Ex me back to my hometown I'm all good. I needed that night and I'm so happy for it, stained top and all. On another note I hurt like hell the next morning (serves me right ) and the bar bill nearly gave us a heart attack ( what am I going to for my birthday???? suggestions on a postcard pls ).
Looking back on the blog that I started as a way of staying sane, some things have become evident. If the feeling from the blog is that Nigeria has issues, or Britain has issues, or my family has issues, or my friends have issues then one thing is missing. I have issues, as in serious types of issues.

Now I have practical Nigerian blood running through me. I come from strong, surviving bloodlines. It takes some honesty on my part to even admit that I have problems which I find very hard to put a name to. I have a feeling that if I told older members of my family that sometimes I have a sadness so strong that it seems to overwhelm me, they would look at me in puzzlement. Problems have to be tangible like being ill, not doing well in school or not having enough money for rent and food. Those are real problems which people face every day...

Thank God then for diaries then init ?? Whether online or of the paper variety because you can pour out everything without the paper or in my case, the screen looking back at you in faint puzzlement.

Well then young lady what exactly is your problem?? You will not believe how many times a day I ask myself this question. I actually wonder what exactly dogs my footsteps at random points in my week. I am not PMSing for the record, oh dear I've had that and believe me that was not funny. I am also not saying that I am some kind of party pooper or wet blanket that goes around with a droopy face. No way baby I hold my own and I'm blessed with the best of people around me, from work to home. It's just that i have to be honest with myself that I have a problem that needs sorting out.

Maybe coming to Nigeria has given me the chance to stop running away from the unanswered questions. I had the same feeling in Britain but there, there is a lot more to help you drown out the sound of the voice in your head.

I need to find myself centred and settled. I feel like a feather fluttering in the wind, blown from branch to branch.
I got hit on today by another old guy !!! This has been happening with alarming frequency.
I'm talking old, distinguished, his kid's are your age mates, probably your Dad's age type of old. I mean this is a bit dodgy.

Apparently the girls at the office told me to take a chill pill, after all baby we are in Nigeria. The really sad thing is that somewhere you know that this bloke's wife is at home keeping everything running smoothly while he runs around town. The scary thing is that some blatantly don't care if you know that they are married. They are happily hitting on you with their wedding band on. One guy seemed to be amused by the fact that I was rude to him , the look on his face was something like "hmm poor little naive girl", or something to that affect.

Well you can't blame them on that aspect because there are a lot of girls who will willing jump into the guy's car without a blink of their false eyelashes . I have been told that it is like a well run business : Old guy, with money = young girl with hot body etc

I can stand on my soap box and preach but quite frankly I can't be bothered. Not all girls are there by choice and on the other hands some of these babes are professional 'dates' and can operate five guys at a time.

What you want to do is your business but at this point in time don't step up to me!!!! I'm not one of them and it's getting quite dodgy. Here are the all time favourite sugar daddy lines:

" I can change your life "
" You look good enough to eat"
" Have you ever ridden in a (insert luxury car of choice here) before ?"
" How does 10 million naira sound to you ?"

The really disturbing thing is that I don't get this much enthusiasm from people my age . According to my friends I am the poster girl of the last generation, ie I should have been born in the fifties. Excuse me what are people trying to say that my butt is out of fashion ??? I and my butt will just have to be quick on my feet and stay out of the way of that never ending Nigerian tradition of the Sugar Daddy :)

That's what Fergie said in her lovely ballad, but following the conversations I have been having this week I might not agree with her anymore. What am I yapping about ? Well in a nutshell coming to Nigeria has achieved one thing: I've lost a few pounds. When I noticed that I remembered thinking that no matter how much I lost, I wasn't ever going to be a skinny minnie. (For the record my body is weird 12/14/16 combo). But according to some people without being slim you won't find someone to love you!!! So I ask, "Who's gonna love the big girls?"

So I was talking to Phoenix and she said the problem is that our generation has grown up on Hollywood and MTV and now have a different view of what physical perfection is in a lady. So you can be beautiful, smart, funny and know amazing tricks in bed but no dice if you don't look a certain way. She also pointed out something that scared me in: that in relation to the African family perspective. Mr A could bring a lovely lady home to meet the folks and that even though he's enamoured the parents would be like " NO WAY !!!" Could this really be happening ???

My cousin once said that he had friends who really didn't like slim girls and weren't all that attracted to them but because they didn't want to attract the ridicule of their friends and wanted to fit in they forced themselves to date women they felt were 'acceptable'.

Can this really be happening?? I mean I'm not saying men don't have a right to choose who they find sexually attractive but to then make a decision based on the opinion of others is like "staying in some kind of fat free closet"

Hey let's be real , for a whole host of reasons being fit and active is the best course of action for the human body but I have to stand up and defend every woman who has one or a mixture of big boobs, big thighs, big butt, that bit of upper arm that never stays firm, that bit of tummy that isn't washboard like and who wears a body shaper before putting on an evening gown...... :)

And of course this is not the same picture for big guys, it's a hard world out there ladies but chin up !

I believe that most of the time, my mood dictates what I write about. Different things swarm through my head at any given moment but right now I'm in a bitchy mood and that mood says that this post is going to follow that stream !!

Don't get me wrong! This morning I woke all sweetness and Saturday morning active girl, but now through a series of quite inconsequential things I'm giving Oscar The Grouch from Sesame Street a run for his money!!

SO what am I bitching about this morning, well let's talk about my office. My lovely financial hidden gem of a an office. Obviously cos of my run in with typhoid I have been off sick all week. We are a small company of about 16 individuals and that number includes the five youth corpers like me that are serving this year. Well everyone has been so kind over the week when I was in hospital, calling and checking on me etc. I mean it was so nice even new property guy.

The only people that didn't call where like the big honchos you know the heads of departments and the MD and quite frankly if they had called I would have been a bit scared. But guess who is in that list... my boss!! My boss that not once pick up the phone or text to say hey what's up? Nothing! Nada! Zilch!!! I'm sorry please correct me if I am wrong I just find that uncaring and issue laden. I'm not bothered about the sentiment cos saying sorry isn't going to chase the bacteria out of my blood stream any quicker but really!!!

When my partner in crime overstayed on her honeymoon he called to joke with her that the love must be extra strong to make her forget about work and I heard that this week another corper in another department was really ill too (get well soon babe ) and he called her !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So that then begs the question what ???? I mean please I have been told that I am too nice, well believe me that is over cos when I walk into that office I am going to be as cold as ice. There is nothing I can think of that would warrant such behaviour from someone who should know better unless he thinks I'm lying etc then quite frankly that's his problem.



In case I haven't mentioned it, I work for a bank. I'm not in normal banking though, I'm in asset management, trusteeship, investment etc subsidiary. Now we share office space with our insurance brokerage people and a I helped a colleague there with his invitation letter for a holiday visa to the UK.

I'm on hi and hello terms with him and i only helped him out cos the uncle that was going to it died in car crash in Aberdeen and I thought well "why not, help someone out , do some good..." Well see now I'm not so sure. The guy bugs me all the time. First it was all the paper work I had to do and stuff. He would call me five million times in an evening to remind me not to forget to bring in whatever it was I was meant to bring in. I bore that for a while thinking maybe he is just anxious etc.

Now though all that is done and dusted and it is up to the Embassy whether or not they want to issue him the damn visa. Why is he still calling me?? First of all it was "I heard you where ill etc etc", now like today I get five missed calls from him!!! WHY WHY WHY?????

Please do not assume a familiarity that does not exist I did not sign up to be your friend!!!!! If there is a question about the paper work then why can't he text me?? Must it be a phone call? I will keep on ignoring the calls or getting Phoenix to pick them up (she did this morning ) until the message is clear.



Yes oh !!! Unfortunately I was not treated in Seattle Grace!! If my doctors looked like this I wouldn't want to be discharged! Can I get an Amen ??? HAHAHAHA
But seriously Grey's Anatomy has a lot to answer for because watching all the episodes in the world including that of ER does not prepare you for the discomfort of having drips stuck in your arm 24/7.
At one point I rolled unto the wrong side and ended up blocking the flow of the drip, i looked at my hand with groggy eyes and shot up awake when i saw blood steadily moving up the tube !!!! AARRRGGGGHHHH.
But I loved my nurses, they were way cool and answered all my paranoid questions and I have to say Nigerian hospital food beats British hands down !! (Well in my hospital anyway)
I didn't get hopsital visits, because I caught everyone including myself by surprise but big hug to my Uncle for coming with much needed juice and water and soft fluffy tissue.. My phone rang off the hook though. BIG KISSES TO RELATIVES AND FRIENDS THAT CALLED. My poor Mum was having kittens but between I and my Uncle we managed to assure her that I was not at death's door.
But seriously I will be extra careful with my health and I will not take my body for granted again!! Obviously I will not start wearing white robes, eating wheatgerm and chanting my body is a temple while waving incense sticks but you get the picture .....
Ok no time to really go into one, but the stupid three week flu is actually typhoid and I have to go to hospital for treatment !!! Can u just imagine. I'm torn between being proud of my body for fighting for soooooo long (my doctor is amazed that I'm walking around) and horrified at where I might have picked up the typhoid from.

Have to zoom cos I need to pack for my stay in the hospital. Not even sure if I can find my pyjamas. At least I have Harry Potter to comfort me even though I have to rack my brains sometimes to remember what the book is referring to.

I would have written more, God knows I have so much to talk about having been Internet deprived for a week but I have to get ready and my Mum annoyed me like five minutes ago on the phone and I can't focus.

See you on the other side of the hospital :)
My flu held on like a Nigerian woman's household budget and I had to take a sick day. I'm all coughing up (close your eyes if you are squeamish) horrid phlemy stuff and my voice was non existent .

Laying on my sick bed (ie couch) I decided to get into the Big Brother Africa spirit. Since I have missed the British one, I really wanted to see what the home grown one was like. Well let me say, very colourful and more pizazzy. I guess this is because this is because this is their second season, while in the UK we might be getting a bit war weary as we are in Year 9!! Remember though the African way is always with style !!!

I'll tell you one thing that is a BIG difference, they have an hour a day where hot water is available in the bathroom and that is when most housemates take their shower, completely naked!! There is no door or shower wall and some girls do shower in a bikini but they are few, both guys and girls are free as a bird!!!!

The housemates are from twelve countries on the continent and it is completely hilarious reading the text messages people are sending from their various countries so it adds a competitive mix. The whole continent is watching so that is roughly 54 million people, talk about exposure. I'm supporting the Nigerian girl (of course), the Ghanaian guy who thinks he's the bomb (so that my friends don't beat me up) and the South African girl (cos she is sheer entertainment).

Ohhh ps my hair is really short, like page boy short, mmm exciting or dodgy?? depends on the angle :) Will drag my battle weary body into work tomorrow, that should be interesting.

PPS Guess who stupidly let slip to a certain someone that she has a blog and then gave address so as not to look like a wuss....... I know, I know I am a complete plonker. Book learning only takes one so far.
I celebrated too early, the stupid sore throat/cough combo has now turned into sneezing, runny nose and catarrh. Yeulch!!! It's not a pretty sight at all and I sneeze in a most unladylike way. It is reminiscent of a thundering elephant. Oh Lord !! You can hear me two miles away.

Oh course I was the source of all office jokes yesterday, (because of Jesus I won't wish vengeance of them) and today at CD I looked like death warmed up. Funnily enough I feel so restless because I thought by now I would be cured and be out having fun. I blame the restlessness for my bit of madness today....

I got a ride to Phoenix's office and was about to cross over when she pulls up with Goldie and tells me to hop in because they are on the way to pick up graphics for adverts from a client. Now you have to realise that I was still in my Youth Corpers uniform. Usually I change from the offending article before I venture back into the world but today there had been no time. Now I'm not extra vain than the next 25 year old but you have to see the uniform. White t-shirt, horrid green khaki trousers which shrink with each wash. I swear by the time February rolls by my trousers will be bum shorts! The hot look is finished by a pair of orange jungle boots. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

So when the ladies said that they had to pop in and I should wait in the car , my khaki was already on my mind. But i was in a car, in broad daylight in the car park of a very busy building. I did a little reconnaissance and saw that there was a security guard who was perpetually there and some drivers that walked by at alternate times. OHHH Jack Bauer would have been proud.

One voice says don't do it what is wrong with you you nutter???

The other voice then says go on, go on, go on, have a go, be naughty for once.

So I shrug off my t-shirt and quickly put on my blue top, laughing at the fact that i had just flashed my red bra to the world without being caught.

So now the look is blue top and green khaki trousers hmmmmmm. I take off my jungle boots and socks and bring out my black trousers wondering what has gotten into me. Should I take off my trousers? What if someone comes, or the security guard notices me, or Goldie and Phoenix come out and catch me. Well I think stuff it and start scoping around....

One car,
A car and two gentlemen,
A Fedex guy
Then no one and go!! I quickly take off my trousers and drape my pashmina across my lap. Taking my black trousers I slowly inch them up and do the zip up. Yipeeeeee I did it!!! I brush my hair down because it was sticking up in all directions and then I regulated my breathing.

The look on the ladies faces when they came down from their meeting was actually priceless :)