After a weekend surrounded by tissues, lozenges, lemons, hot water, honey, chicken noodle soup and every cold medication known to mankind, I was well and truly battered by the time Monday came around.

I wasn't feeling better, for some unknown reason my right eye was red and I had to go to work because my partner in crime was on her honeymoon so the post couldn't be left unmanned. Quite ungracefully I come in to work looking like the Bride of Frankenstein and feeling like I had gone a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson.

Fast forward to half way through the day and I sign on to msn and start speaking to ex hottie (don't judge me I was very good with my ban and when we do talk it's about strictly platonic subjects). I happily bitch away and ask for some good news from London to cheer me up. At first he was stuck then he tells me that his junior brother was picked for the national U16 squad !!!! Wow how fantastic is that, I was so chuffed because his brother works so hard and really deserves it, so at this point my mood is elevated to mid level......

Then he lists "I'm single and Transformers is a really good movie"...

CaramelD: "Hang on you've lost me how have we gone from football, to your love life ,to movies?

Ex hottie: I'm listing other good news for you

CaramelD: Is breaking up good news? Most girls cry, not sure about blokes.....

Then he went to explain that he was down cos it's not nice breaking up with someone but that he felt restricted in the relationship and had to end it. Now all through this I'm giving good answers and listening and being neutral and grown up and even moving the conversation to other subjects but inside I'm going


A feeling of pure happiness courses through me and I want to start a conga line down the middle of the office, on the outside I was off msn and working and talking biz with my boss and on the inside I'm singing "Celebrate good times come on!!"......

It is soo bad of me I know, believe you me there is a reason that is this blog is anonymous but i just couldn't help it. Nothing is going to happen between us though because

  • He called it off for reasons I don't fully understand

  • I'm on another continent

  • He's a very private person and I was never sure where I stood with him and that can drive you nuts

Yet I was still on top of the world. My throat didn't hurt as much, my head wasn't so heavy anymore, my eye didn't feel so sore and i swear I felt lighter (lol). I AM VERY NAUGHTY

I am currently sitting in the office of Nigeria's sexiest magazine: MADE . Today is Friday so after CD, I came by here because this is where Phoenix works. She had finished university and was sitting at home and this opportunity came up and it's fab because this is a good working environment and she likes her job. I live with her this year and I can safely say if she wasn't here living in Lagos would not have been funny.

Anyway back to the mystery..... Like I have moaned about before, I feel fluey with a sore throat and cough. Well Phoenix is much worse!! She is sneezing, coughing, blowing her nose, surrounded by tissues and tea but still managing to work and look fashionable like the trooper she is.

Now my big cousin says I gave her the virus but I don't think sooooo, there is a mystery to unravel. Goldie, who works in MADE too and goes home with us in the car and works next to Phoenix was coughing, sneezing and blowing her nose before us, so HA!!!

But this madness doesn't stop because the question then becomes who gave Goldie the cold?? Well with some serious investigation that would have made Poirot proud, I found out that the finger of suspicion fell on Goldie's friend that was visiting from England. AHA!!! This is some form of invasion from the British, the end of the mystery right? Or not because Phoenix's brother that lives with us was more fluey and coughy than anyone put together and he rides home with us too.

There is no end to this mystery, it's a diabolical flu circle of doom and we are all its victims. So much for partying this weekend, we shall party in spirit.

According to big cuz it's honey, lemon and hot water. I also added whiskey/rum in coffee but Phoenix said I'm just looking for an excuse to bring alcohol into the mix. Huh!
Thank God for Facebook!! I seriously would have been destitute without it!! Think of all the phone credit I would need to check on my friends and make sure they were OK. It's true that nothing beats hearing someones voice on the phone but at least you can be assured by seeing random pictures on the world's most popular "social utility" (the phrase social utility make think of public toilet, I'm not sure why).

Anyway, like I was saying, I love facebook, not only can u keep in touch, but it has lots of applications you can use and piss away your time with. Classic!!!

It's also weirdly a lot more classy than Hi-5, I'm not sure why, maybe cos they have stricter controls so no more weird pervy people stalking you on the Internet. The down side though is that you get friends requests from some people who you could happily spend the rest of your life without ever speaking to again, but oh well.....

Here is an example of the madness of my darling friends and a "rap" she posted on my facebook wall. Please bear in mind that this nutcase is a stellar scientist who has two degrees (you would never know if I didn't tell you :)

Chizzy chizzy chizzy, cant u see, sometimes ur world just hypnotize me, and I just love your flashy ways and I donno the word anyways!!!!! Here's an original rap just to embarrass you some more...... Yo I woke up last night, with the moon so bright, I think about the bling that makes you swing, my feet touch the floor and I can think no more, the voice is resonating in my head, it says yo vinita why u up just go to bed.... HAHAHAHAHAHA Im so good up there with Dr DRE HAHAHAHAHA I MISSSS UUUU AND BEING STUPID NO ONE GETS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Okay people, the heat is on because i am officially looking for job. Yeesssssssss i know it might seem early but I have learnt my lesson the really hard way !! It is never to early, can I get an Amen??

I will be in my house sipping tea and watching 24 (I love Jack Bauer) and people with drive and hunger will be doing their homework and getting good jobs!!!! No, I refuse to be the stupid one in this story. Today I start with initiative!!!!!!!!Yeah (can you hear the Rocky soundtrack??)

So the problem with a dual-hommie like myself is that eternal question of where am I going to work?? My Dad's answer is NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA. Hmmm not that simple mate. It would be really simple if there was a huge factor waiting for you in either country, which in my case is Britain and Nigeria. Like for example if there was a bloke waiting for you in Ol' Blighty or some assured job in a high ranking company in Nigeria but not the case mate.

Now before my friends in London start knocking my head left right and centre, i love you guys and that's the truth but a girl has gotta eat. I will go where a job with prospects is waiting for me.

Now don't think I have forgotten my nuclear family cos I haven't but that won't provide any clarity. My Dad is here, my Mum is in London but wants to come back soon and my baby bro is here. So you see my family is also scattered to the four winds.

So what does a girl like myself do, I'm not cut out to be a Desperate Housewife, I do have my lazy git moments but I do so love working. Waking up in the morning with purpose, coming to work where you know your input is needed and appreciated (so not happening now) and tackling challenges everyday.

All those women fifty years back didn't take to the streets in protests for me to not apply myself now in my chosen profession (oh by the way it's PR and Communication if anyone is asking).

I know what I'll do, I apply in both countries and thanks to the power of the Internet that is quite possible and I'll pray. Yep gotta do some serious praying cos I'm lost and needed to find my path and also lots of lovely salaries :)

On another note Britain and Nigeria are both bombarded with rain!!
My cousin said it's cos Rihanna's Umbrella 'ella 'ella eh eh eh has been number one for 11 weeks and there must be some kind of West Indian magic attached to the song (I laughed so hard when I heard that).

Rain is one thing but flooding is a whole other kettle of fish you know?! In both countries the floods are caused by different things. In England it's flooded rivers and the fact that people love concreting their front yard so no vegetation/soil to soak up the water etc. In Lagos we are flooded because our drainage (where there is any) is totally pants and out roads are shot to hell so all the water just gathers at the sides and then meets in the middle.

I'll never forget one picture that was carried by one of our national papers, This Day and the picture showed a man taking people across a seriously flooded road in an old dumpster. They stood in it and he pushed them across and they paid him !!! That is Lagos for you :) At least as far as far I know our houses aren't affected unlike the people in Britain, I hope their insurance pays through if not it will be seriously not funny.
I'm at work and I'm tired and it's not yet midday. I feel achy, fluey and sore throat-ish. It is also doesn't help that all my potential clients that promised, yes promised me that I would have my cheques by the end of the month are now not living up to the promise.

I'm burnt out and it's still only July, it's like February is ages away. One of the the other youth corpers in my office (there are five of us) came in this morning and made a whispery confession to me that she is counting down to Feb in her head and I'm like "what? you only just started counting??? Huh I've been counting down since June!!!".

I can't stand the fact that for the month of July I haven't brought in any clients. It's so disturbing, I didn't think it would be like this , that I would even be bothered but I'm sooooooo bothered, cos I'm sure that at one point our MD will catch me in the corridor and say "so how much naira have you brought in today??"" AArrrrrggghhhh I hate the finance sector.

Let me start from the beginning, it's all NYSC fault, my fault and a bit of my Dad too. I didn't want to come back to Nigeria at the beginning of the year because I felt that for once things were starting to settle with me or that at the very least I was getting pay back for all my slogging during my Masters. I had graduated with a great result, I was getting interviews and was hopeful, I was seeing ex-hottie (it soooo wasn't Romeo and Juliet but he was cool) and i felt that good things were coming . Then my Mum and my Dad are like come home and come home now!!! I had had a huge one year battle with my Dad the year before about me going to Law School and I just didn't have the strength to fight anymore, I also felt that there might be an opportunity in Nigeria waiting for me so I gave in very ungraciously (I was hurting before I came back).

So here I was in Nigeria in January and I start doing my research for NYSC, then my cousin gives me the information that your job assignment will be done according to your first degree!!!!

THAT IS NOT GOOD, my first degree was Law (as a back up) and then I did my Masters in Public Relations and Public Communication ( job offers anyone?) which is where I was working and what I loved doing , the thought of being posted to a law chambers or something was quite horrifying .

The worst thing of coming back to Naija after a while as an adult is the complete cluelessness. The not knowing nothing about nothing... that's how i felt. I was told that with some cash you can alter your posting as long as I could get some company or agency with PR related jobs to give me an offer letter . My Dad was like he would sort it and that he can handle it and he is in control. Oh dear!!My Dad is a very busy man, he is on the go from sun up to sun down and I know he doesn't mean to but his very nearest and dearest can end up being the bottom of the pile.

I ask around but it's not working, I could have asked some of my Mum's siblings (very cool aunty's and uncles) but I had already declared that Dad was on it and I suddenly felt that by asking I would be unloyal, which is just nuts. The thing is I seriously wanted to believe that my Dad could do this for me. In one of our worst arguments he accused me of not trusting in his ability to help me in Nigeria and i wanted this to prove that I was trying at the very least.

He did come through in the end but by the it was too late. I had been posted to an investment house that also does trust funds and asset management. I could have applied for a re-posting but I was a witness to the stress my fellow corpers were going through as they were tangled in the web of red tape and general Nigerian ineptitude and I so couldn't be bothered.

What made me feel better was that I was told that even though I was working in Trust Services (cos of my law degree init) they wanted to raise awareness of Trust Funds through seminars, literature and well placed articles!!! Fantastic that's PR in a nutshell isn't it ??? Well that didn't turn out to be particularly true.

Yes I have written copy for our new financial products and done some work on the company brochure but instead what they have me doing is personal marketing, trying to accumulate clients and convince people that opening a trust fund for little Maggie is the best thing they can do as a parent, NOT A SEMINAR IN SIGHT.

SO back to today, I work with lovely people, but I'm not motivated, I'm not inspired and I think I'm coming down with the flu. I do have a partner in crime but she was engaged and planned a far away wedding only to wake up pregnant a month later so she put together a marriage in a month and has been seriously distracted and pulling sickies left, right and centre. If it's not her family giving her stress, it's morning sickness and planning the budget for the two separate wedding ceremonies (that's right, traditional and white).

I'm seriously low cos one big client is now unreachable by phone and I can't be bothered to write the company's bloody mission statement. I just want to go home and cry and drink Lemsip. I need a client before the month is done , I also want to run away to a luxury resort in Antigua or Mauritius, I'm not picky.
SO here I am at work waiting on the phone trying to talk to a potential big time client and I decided "oh I'll go online"... big mistake.

I went online to feel better seeing as I have period cramps that would bring down the Hulk and I was bloated to the size of a Teletubby but instead I got cranky. I first of all went on msn and was sooooo happy to see my darling friends from Canada and Jordan were online yeah, then I look down and eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk my aforementioned hotty ex is online. Now like I said before I went on a talking online ban but that wasn't difficult cos he went on hols with his girlfriend (ha ha I said that without feeling bitter, yeah for me) but now it's like "X - back from (insert cool Mediterranean island)!!!!!!!!

So now stupid female that I am (not always mind you I can be quite sensible) I'm like "I'm not signing off, going to talk to lovely far away friends".

Problem is that they are not there!! I nudge and wink my msn heart out but to no avail. So I still don't sign out cos I see it as defeat and I decide to go to good old facebook (the friend of every young adult who has moved countries but can't afford calling cards on a wide scale).

I post a few messages but nothing is really happening, I go and check out some pics that my friends posted of me and I see a group one taken from my second year at uni. Now imagine about ten people, in an array of coats smiling their hearts and absolutely looking terrible (mostly cos of drink) and yet soooooooooo very happy. So now I'm nostalgic, homesick and slightly weepy, maybe cos of my hormones or the fact that in the pic I looked like I had no eyebrows.

So far this whole Internet thing is not working for me. I go on Yahoo to read the news and I read about how the whole world has already gotten their hands on the last Harry Potter book. Pls!!! I have to wait till the first week in Aug when my Dad gets back from London cos I'm soooooooo not buying it in Lagos as they are being thieves and selling it for about forty pounds and my Dad is going to get it for eight quid in Asda!!!!

And of course ex hotty is still on msn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOOOOO I'm about to sign out of this Internet debacle when my friends from Jordan and Canada both come back online at the same time, yeahhhhhhhhhh. We chat for ages and I especially love talking to my darling in Canada cos I swear we have parallel lives and I see a lot of me in her apart from the fact that she is an Asian hottie who know loads of sciency things.....

Then another old friend catches me on msn and my faith in the Internet is restored cos I'm in Lagos and I spoke to people in Jordan, Canada and London without leaving my desk plus I get to vent on my blog :)
Well I spent Friday not at work (yeah) beacuse of my CD day. CD means community development and it is one more stage in the NYSC farce. Let me start from the beginning....

NYSC (or National Youth Service Corps) is the reason I came back to Nigeria as a 25 year old to have my year of fun and angst. It is a Nigerian directive that says that all university graduates for one year after graduation have to serve their country. How? Well you spend the first three weeks in an orientation camp which is for you to get to know other victims in your state, to learn army type things like marching and fitness and toughness (example treks, climbing walls etc).

After camp you get posted to your primary assignment and it's meant to reflect what you studied, it can be in the private or public sector (but people generally start crying if they get a teaching gig). You only work four days of the week and the 5th is the aforementioned CD day.

Well this day you are meant to serve your community is some lovely way but in my zone we do pants all cos the staff aren't bothered. Yesterday I sat and read a lovely novel and if You see your mates you get to chat with them.

My memories of NYSC will be of grey walls and benches and hanging around for your card to be signed as proof that you haven' t left the country to go to Antigua and sip Pina Coladas.

It's meant to be a bonding exercise for the country cos you get posted to a part of the country that you aren't from but I think somewhere along the way it all gone a bit awry.
"Lose one, let go to get one. Left one, lose some to win some
Story of a champion, sorry I'm a champion. You lost one.." Jay Z

This is where the name of my blog comes from. I feel like in leaving Britain and coming to Nigeria at the age of 25, I'm losing something and trying to grab hold of something else. I also feel lost myself between two countries I love and wonder sometimes where I'm going to end up.

Some other people like me don't feel that tug at all and have happily made their choice but not me!!
I really was going to talk about the blog and why I decided to have to have one but there is no time for that.

I've really gone and done it now, msning with an ex you still have feelings for.

If I read this in my fav mags I would have sympathised with the poor girl and mentally told her to get a grip. But here I am being stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!!!!

I made an excuse to my mates here in Nigeria that we are still friends that's why we talk, but that's not the real reason...I don't know about him but I still talk to him because he still has the power to make my insides curl and make heat reach my toes.


I have to move on fast, that is the only way. I need a new reference asap, just don't know where to look in Lagos.