How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundrybasket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note todo more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom.I f you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

"This too shall pass"

Who said that? Where is that quote from because it's a great quote. It is my comfort right now because I am offcially psycho girl. The madness has found me!

It's hormones time and mine's raging. I get very annonyed when women are judged on behaviour because of what their body is doing but I have to surrender this time. Even though we are rational beings, the body can take over from time to time.

Just in the previous post I rejoiced that my older cousin was pregnant only for her collaspe on Sunday night in pain because her body had miscarried. I was soooooooo sad and I felt her pain keenly. Talking to her on the phone on Monday morning I found myself crying with her on the road on the way to work. Oh Lord give comfort! I don't do emphatic crying so I was quite surprised.

Also because she is my H.O.D at work I had to tell my manager and then I started crying again! Haba! My poor manager said I should go home, I told her NO! That is not the Nigerian way, that's not how we roll, we tough it out. So I worked but got to go to the hospital in the evening (armed with glossy mags) to see her and she is doing as fine as can be expected.

I am also very cranky, but that one I am used to! What's new in the mix is that my Dad is around so I have to watch myself as I know that my temper is quite short in my new psycho girl mood. Also as per diet, chocolate is now not an option! So I'm holding all the narky sarcastic comments I want to make in my head ;)

To add salt to the wound, I'm errrmmmm hot (and I don't mean temperature wise). It has never been this bad before. I have done a poll and my friends say that they are on heat at this time in the month and it can get quite ridiculous but this is the first time I have reached 'quite ridiculous' stage.

Seriously I'll be on the phone talking to Baked Beans (I should seriously think of changing that name) and he will be talking about something perfectly mundane, maybe even serious and I'll be turning into a puddle of liquid mush! Na wa Oh! It's just the sound of his voice is enough. The last conversation we had I don't think I can even recall what we were talking about. Luckily this time he didn't catch on, because if he had the conversation would have taken a left turn into Naughty Land and I would have caught on fire for sure!

So I'm just waiting it out and hoping I don't scare or kill anyone for now.......

OK yes October has been generally crappy, yes the skies are darker earlier and everyone is wearing their black coats but I am going to force myself to remember good things! By fire, by force!!
I bought my Mum a phone for the first time and I loved the look on her face. It's something she has always wanted and because I have steady paycheck (that makes sense) for the first time in my life, I could do that. That was lovely, she made us laugh because she started singing and dancing in the front room :)
Another happy thing is that now, when I Google my blog name, it comes up as the second, third and fourth reference on the list! Yeahhhhh. Before it never even showed! That's as close to world domination as I come for now. The pictures on my blog are also all over Google images which is a bit weird!
More happy things? My cousin is pregnant and she has been trying for ages, so hurray for Jesus! Ohhh and I got a commendation from the higher powers at work about an event I attended on behalf of the College.
Talking about work, my manager saw that I was looking low and decided to announce that she can lick her elbow!!! (Try it, it's not easily done). That now lead us to start exposing our own party tricks (I can put my foot over my head), they had me in giggling fits.
OK, see? Feeling better already.
Work isn't working for me right now. Some colleagues keep annoying me with their systematic way of making my job harder for no obvious reason than they are just being silly!!! I think I need a holiday or something new in my life. Sirus said we should celebrate the 'now' and I'm trying to but it's not working.

I have a birthday party tomorrow and I don't want to go.

I have gym tonight and I don't want to go.

I hate my stupid diet.

I hate the Nigerian High Commission in London.

If I get one more inter-office email I will scream.

My hair is failing me but I can't take it out yet.

I'm going to put in my earphones and get some music therapy.
Actual phone conversation between my friend and I regarding what she will wear for a charity fundraiser I've invited her too....

Friend: "Hey Caramel I know you will be taking a lot of pictures at the event because it is being hosted by your town's people but please don't take my picture."

Caramel D: "But why not? You're my friend and you'll be on my table. How can I not take your picture?"

Friend: "Because you'll post that picture on facebook and I want to wear an outfit that has been on facebook now three times. Three times is the facebook limit on outfits and I don't want the outfit appearing on facebook for the fourth time."

Hahaha the only thing more bizarre than her request is that I understood what she was saying!! What have we been turned to?
I really want to write but work is deep! My manager is on leave so all roads leads to my desk this week and when I come home I'm off to the gym or I just crash!

Issues at hand:

  • The dieting is harrrrrrrddddd! I miss biscuits especially in times of stress but I shall remain strong. Week two has just finished and I'm down 6 pounds so it's all good.
  • My Dad is in town this weekend for a while so I shall practice deep breathing and meditation and hopefully we won't kill each other.
  • Sugar!!! I'm meant to subscribe to Sky Sports for him and I've forgotten chai!
  • Also haven't called Baked Beans in a while (1 1/2 weeks but who's counting?) and I haven't cracked yet so it's all gravy baby!
  • The Nigerian High Commission, London needs to sort itself out and destroy their website and start again for the love of all that is good and pure in the world.
  • I need to shop seriously! My wardrobe can't cope with the work social dos and my own personal life, but abeg the UK is in the midst of serious financial crisis, shouldn't I be saving?
  • Life is a bit blah right now, but I say celebrate the ordinary and find ways to add colour and cheer yourself up! I'm a great believer in dancing in your underwear in front of the mirror, so........

Man shot three times in street by racist gunman - for wearing Barack Obama T-shirt
By Daily Mail ReporterLast updated at 6:01 PM on 07th October 2008

A man told today how he was shot three times in a London street for wearing a Barack Obama T-shirt.
Dube Egwuatu was buying a mobile telephone top-up card in an off-licence when the gunman confronted him and glared at the top, which carries an image of the Democrat US presidential candidate underneath the legend 'Believe'.
The man then launched into a tirade of racist slurs, shouting 'I f***ing hate n*****s' and urging 36-year-old Mr Egwuatu to leave the shop with him.

The man then left the shop but when Mr Egwuatu re-emerged, the attacker was waiting for him in broad daylight with a threatening-looking dog and holding a gun behind his back.
Realising what had sparked the increasingly violent assault, the terrified Mr Egwuatu zipped up his jacket to cover the image of Mr Obama and walked to his car.

But the shaven-headed man, who was white, followed Mr Egwuatu and after pulling open the passenger door pointed the gun at him.
After pleading with the man to leave him alone, the married former street warden put the keys in the ignition and turned the engine on.
The attacker then fired the gas-powered ball-bearing pistol three times, hitting the civil servant in the face, hand and shoulder.
Fearing for his life and bleeding heavily, Mr Egwuatu raced away in his car and found somewhere safe to call for help.

He was taken to hospital and later sent to have a piece of metal removed from his jaw.
Mr Egwuatu, a data analyst with Croydon Council, said: 'The venom in his voice was frightening.
'He was telling me that he was going to kill me.
'I couldn't believe it was happening - and just because I was wearing an Obama T-shirt. He was trying to make me walk somewhere quieter, saying: 'I've got something for you,' and 'I'm going to kill you.'
He added: 'Obama inspires me, his educational track record alone is quite unbelievable - that is why I was wearing the T-shirt.
'I did not think for one minute it could stir up such powerful feelings of hatred and I never said a word to him.'

Mr Egwuatu's wife, Angela, 35, said neither of them had experienced anything like it during their childhood in Nigeria.
Mrs Egwuatu, an immigration officer, said: 'At first my feelings were pure horror and now it is pure anger.
'If he had been carrying a real gun I would have been a widow. It is just ridiculous.
'I don't know how a person's mentality works. Why would a T-shirt get you to the point where you want to shoot someone.'
To the untrained eye, ball-bearing guns like the one used in the attack look every bit like a real firearm.
The potentially lethal weapons are often converted by criminals to fire real bullets, and can be bought easily in high-street shops and on websites.

The Met said it was investigating the incident, which took place in South Norwood, and that police searched a nearby house which the attacker was seen going into.
No one has been arrested.

My last set of ramblings (I hope).
When I came back to London I was very wary of calling him. First of all I wanted a clean break and secondly his behaviour towards me was rude and very odd. When I didn't call he said I had forgotten him, but when I did call he was cold! Haba! After one bad conversation, I used anger to call him back and tell him off! I think he was shocked but I was spitting fire! I told him if he couldn't find person I used to talk to everyday in Nigeria then he should stop calling me here in London!
His behaviour changed after that. He explained that he felt that I was quick to was my hands and move on! (If only). Now though as I type this I'm angry. I feel like I'm being made to play a game by rules I don't like. I enjoy talking to him, he calls as much I do but he will be the first to tell me that he can't do commitment.
I'll be skipping along getting more entangled in my feelings for him then one day he will wake up and announce that he is marrying some girl like that. (Apparently this happens quite a lot in Naija) LOL.
I'm not saying ladies in committed relationships are immune to heartbreak, but if it goes pear shaped at least they can remember what they were fighting for. I have no such claim. I need to wake up and smell the coffee before I get seriously hurt. I also need to have a plan for Christmas as I am going home and temptation will be strong.