I'm a cotton knickers high leg/thongs kind of girl. So everytime I wear a sexy lingerie combo something also goes off plan!


So here I am, in a lace set that was more sexy than practical, with my left foot wrapped in a bandage and a guy who I am very sure thinks I was lying as his voice was so cold on the phone.

This year needs to finish!

I categorically told my friend about three weeks ago, that I was quite tired of trying to figure men out so that I was taking a break from the whole thing and I wanted to be by myself and figure out what I want. Fast forward to this week and that is obviously not happening.
I don't want to go on and on about this, we have to get ready for Jesus' birthday but there is this one guy who is really winding me up. As in I am ready to politely tell him to just forget the whole thing. He is soooo 'in your face', very full on. I think he thinks that he is being charming but it's not working. The following phrases don't help:
  • What did you find attractive about me? (The day after I started speaking to him!!)
  • You should be happy that your husband called you this morning (day two)
  • I have come to break the curse of your singleness (WTF???)
  • I wonder why I never thought of fat girls, you girls are really doing it for me of late (ewo)
  • When was the last time you had sex? (I told him off for that)

With the last one why I blew my top was that I had spoken to him three times and this question came out. Haba!! Am I out of the loop? Is this bulldozer form of courtship all the rage right now? What happened to just talking and getting a 'feel' of the other person through normal discussions? For example a former object of my desire really caught my interest when I learnt he had a massive music collection that included Frank Sinatra and Billie Holiday. I remember thinking, "now this is someone I need to know properly"!!

Anyway I won't harp on, but if you hear I decked someone with my handbag and I'm in custody please gather bail money for me shah.

As you all burn your fingers on ovens, drive at random hours to the airport to pick up relatives, run out of sellotape on the last present, realise you have 6 weddings to attend on the 26th, forget the words to the carols at Midnight Mass and sleep on the fold out bed because your Aunty has taken your bedroom...................

Have a Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year!!!


I would really like to know.

Do you have days when you feel like you have been beaten with a wet fish?

I know men don't have PMS, don't get bloated, don't struggle to get dressed for work when they realise that all their trousers won't zip, don't get ridicuoulsy horny for no reason (well errmmm actually), don't turn down Chrsitmas party invitations because they look pregnant in ALL their sexy party wear, don't get highly irratated with even the smallest things, don't dream about a hot water bottle and their bed by about 4pm, don't crave sweet things randomly and don't have backache for a week out of every month.

But do men have ugly days like I do?

As I type this I am also using style to shuffle on my office chair to get at the itchy bits on the back of my legs. Also my fingertips. And my right ankle. Ohhh and ear lobe.

I am the unfortunate victim to an allergic reaction to the malaria medication I was given at home. In fact I think the medicine dealt with me more than the malaria ever did. I have been back a week and I have spent it lying down, popping anti-histamines and rubbing all sorts of lotions on my body. I feel so bad, my doctor cheerfully told me that that is what poisoning feels like!!

I'm back and I thank God that I went and came safely and I have plenty of society wedding gist (break out the copies of Ovation or Ovulation as my friend called it) for you guys but first off the bat let us get the bad news out of the way.....

I am using God's name to beg anyone who reads this to please don't drink and drive. Even worse don't enter the car of someone who is over the limit. Let them kill themselves but stay where you are. It's not worth it.


We lost two friends on the night of the wedding. All four of the men in the car had been drinking and the driver had been begged on three seperate occasions not to drive but he still insisted. The driver and the other guy in front had their seatbelts on but the men in the back didn't, they were the ones who didn't make it. Over night a house of celebration went into mourning and now my friend's wedding anniversary will also be the day she lost two friends.

So please think this Christmas season. Take a taxi or stay put. Get a designated driver or just don't drink if you really want to drive your car.

For this and other reasons I am feeling very un-Christmas like.

My manager has just caught me scratching! I'm on Piriton but it's not working. Any other ideas?

Off to read blog posts during my lunch break.
Please read this news story. It's freaking me out a little. The man was awake for 23 years, he could hear everything and everyone but they (medical) thought he was in a coma and asleep. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhh. Nightmare. Imagine if they had decided to switch off life support!!!! I have goosebumps just thinking about it.

OK so haven't packed. Not one thing, not even one hair band. Nada. Spent the whole weekend looking for a white outfit! How stupid. I have a life!!

I got drenced over the weekend. The weather was, and still is atrocious. Cold biting rain and sharp winter winds equals very cold and soggy looking Britons. Some unfortuante people have been flooded out of their house. Still raining now actually. Lovely.

I'm in the office but I cleared my workload last week (Yes I can be efficient when I get off my butt) so I think I will clean my desk so that it is all nice and tidy when I get back.

Yes I'm bored.

Right now while typing this, my Dad has just sent a text asking for a hand held vacuum cleaner to clean the cobwebs that have gathered in the netting that was bought and stored ages ago for the new house. Hmm, where in my 23kg allowance will I fit in a hand held cleaner? Somebody help me and see. Don't be fooled by the fact that airlines allow you two pieces, my Maternal Unit has already commandered one piece. Can't they just use aziza (broom)? When did we start forming technological posh like this? Actually, that's not true my Dad is very English like that (when I was growing up I used to make his tea for him in a tea pot with free tea leaves and a strainer).

Aaaahhh the stories I could tell.

This hand held cleaner might not happen.

OK I am going to tidy my desk and leave notes for my Manager while listening to Vera's latest radio show.

I will try and blog while in Naija. Have a blessed couple of weeks :)

PS I am already suffering from withdrawal.

I really don't like short dresses. A little above the knee is as far as I can go before I start fidgeting. My birthday dress (above) was so short for me I spent half the night twitching before the complimentary champagne kicked in.
So the nuptials I'm going for has an all white party attached to the celebrations and I was told last weekend. I doubt where I am going to find a white outfit in London in November.
Everything I have seen is too short (hence this polite rant). Even not too short stuff get lifted up at the back because of my bum so what to do? Please calling all London fashionistas, if you have any ideas please let me know before I go and get out my all white sports kit from NYSC camp!
After nearly 4 months and no help from the docs, my period came back. Thank God. I hate the damn thing but it is too important to go MIA. I give credit to Sirius and her fruit and vegetable diet. She did it exclusively but I have no such discipline. I replaced half of everything I ate with fruit and veg and I think that is what helped. I may be wrong but at least my skin is clear and my tummy flat(ter)!
We have lost out on the third house, I don't have the energy to even talk about that yet. Only God knows how far with us and looking for a house.
PS Where is Temite????? In fact where is Laide (XSN) too? Afrobabe are you on strike? As for RocNaija, I am calling search and rescue. Don't make me start looking for all of you.

As an old gateman I knew would say, "what da hell is wrong with me mehn?".
All this talk about housing issues and all the crap going on I forgot to write something exicting..I have bought my ticket! Oh yeah, Caramel Delight is of to Naija! Whoooooooop!
My friend with the speedy courtship is getting married and I'm off. I have been so caught up about the fact that her cousin bought a bridesmaid dress that is too small for me (mscheeeeewwww) and will need some kind of magician tailor and the fact that I had to rob a bank to pay for my last minute ticket that I forget to revel in the fact that I am on holiday for two weeks in the sunshine and will have access to roast plantain and suya and if my Dad can manage it I will get to see him and my brother as I'm up north.
[Scene One]
A young fine voluptuous black woman walks in Heathrow airport with a full trolley that has a dodgy wheel. She walks to the airport desk and checks in. With her boarding pass in hand she dazzles the airline staff with her 100 watt smile, says thank you and walks away with her hand luggage and handbag.
She walks into the food court, brings out a small CD player, places in the middle of the room and presses play as provocative cabaret music starts to play. Our young dazzling heroine then proceeds to slowly peel off the gloves, scarf, coat, jumper, t-shirt, tights and wool trousers till all that remains is a one piece Ankara bathing suit.
[Que airport security]
OK fine I won't do it but I feel like it :)

I don't consider myself a stupid person but let me just say I seriously underestimated the drama with moving from a house you have lived in for 20 years. Rita asked me once if I would be sad, the problem is that I didn't have time to be sad! In the end with all the bags of stuff we gave away and the colossal amount we threw away (some of it behind my Mother's back) we still filled up a big moving van twice and a mini van (like sandwich vans) three times. Chineke!

May God bless my friends that helped, my Uncle that drove down from Birmingham in the early hours of the morning, and my cousins who have turned wrapping into an art form (they read my blog cough cough) and I thank the Holy Spirit for holding me back so I didn't back hand the moving van man that was shouting at my Mother! Who born you? I ran out of the bathroom in just my wrapper (I swear I didn't remember I was undressed) and told him to STOP SHOUTING AT MY MOTHER! See trouble oh! The day before he had seen three family members to help him so when he came the next day and they weren't there he started hollering that we are taking advantage of him! What exactly is your bloody job description?

Anyway I am not glamorously homeless, a friend of mine kindly offered her empty flat. So we are just perching till we find a house that works.

There is so much bad stuff happening this week. I don't even have the energy to list them. Yes oh, they can be listed!!! I have been praying extra because it was coming from all angles. My manager not liking my work, deaths, accidents, serious illnesses, Christmas plans going to pot (a pox on the British High Commission) my Dad and his family wahala AGAIN!!! This time they called police men from Benin to come and arrest my Dad and one of his brothers who didn't agree to join the idiots and the police came two days after the poor man's traditional wedding. What must his poor bride be going through?

So I am doing that mind exercise where you list your favourite things to make you feel better. If you could do with some cheering up, add your own, trust me it helps.

  • Long unhurried phonecalls from my favourite people.

  • Chicken Laska soup (yummmm and less than 5% fat)

  • Hot bubble baths

  • When my brother makes my Dad call me so he can say goodnight before he goes to bed.

  • Black men in a good suit (whoosh)

  • Abba. I can't get enough Abba in my life.

  • My cousin's legendary game nights. I have found I have an untapped talent for Taboo and Charades. Pictionary is a killer though.

  • Blogsville, though I miss the Old Guard, the new writers on the block are blowing my mind.

  • Hot pink or fire engine red on my toes.

  • Lighting a candle in Church, it's like my prayers are continued even though I have left.

  • ..........and foot rubs (I got introduced to that recently, oh my).

You see? Feeling better.

PS My computer is in storage with everything else so forgive any long gaps. I can only blog from work now during my break.

Hold fire on the champagne ladies, the second house has fallen through. They were trying to play a sharp move on my Maternal Unit and she has called their bluff. Basically we were going to rent from them till the legal stuff was complete and we officially 'bought' it. Then at the 11th hour when we called to ask for the keys to come and clean the house they said, "we won't give you the house till you complete".

Well my Mum said they could piss off, she's not buying again. So we are still moving out this Friday but to a storage facility and I will be gloriously homeless.

You have to love life.

In other breaking news, after five blood tests and an ultrasound, the doctors had nothing new to tell me. No explanation to my harsher symptoms. If anything, the cysts have reduced! But no monthly dooda. That pissed me off more than the house. I wanted answers to my freaky womb issues. I was so wound up, I came and slept. The thinking had tired me out.

I woke after 40 minutes (power nap) prayed, had a cup of tea and watched Phineas & Ferb and felt better. God dey (as always).

My friend (of the 4month courtship) is in town to buy some wedding stuff. Please bloggers help me and thank God. The bridesmaid dress she wanted us to wear was not in stock or something. Phewwwwww. It has that skirt that is pinched in places and looks like a duvet (Americans read: comforter) or some kind of bedding, you bring out when you have house guests. Nooo way! I used sharp sense and said I would help her look and found a classic elegant design which hopefully should be in stock.

In my Narnia bedroom (see former post) I found my First Holy Communion pictures. My Maternal Unit had put my hair in one bunch and decided to put one hair roller one each side of my head so I could have curls or ringlets (watching too many white kids on tv gave her ideas). She didn't figure that my side hair wasn't long enough, therefore there wasn't enough hair to go around the roller. The end result was hair in half a bend upwards, looking like I had HORNS on the side of my head like a little imp in white!

If I have the guts, I'll put up the picture. Can I sue?
I'm not a slacker but I'm tired. I'm a strong Nigerian woman but my feet hurt. For a few minutes I'm going to allow myself to wish that I had a man into whose arms I could crawl and tell how my day was while he rubbed my feet and listened patiently while I ranted about estate agents, bastard solicitors, lost deliveries, weekend long work projects and the vanishing brown sellotape.
I would get my hug, my kisses and a slight admonishment not to call bastards solicitors as it would hurt their feelings. Then I would fall asleep in his arms having found my first moment of peace in the day. Oh well.

We got the house and we will be allowed to rent it while the paperwork is being completed.

I should be exicted but I can't be bothered.

Met a gunshot victim today. Had his left eye and half his skull destroyed by just one tiny motion. I told him that I had never been so close to a miracle before.

Blogging via Blackberry is hard.

I have found all sorts of crap in my room while packing out. It's so bizarre I wouldn't be surprised if I walked through my wardrobe and came out into Narnia.

Baby showers now have online gift lists! How disturbed am I?! I blame America.

I feel a bit better now. Good night and God bless x

Ps dear Myne Whitman, you are 10 times a better writer than the author of a book I tried to read today. It was so badly written, your story deserved whatever money was spent putting that rubbish to print!

Just yesterday I told my Mum that she was cracking up. Why? She left the electric blanket on in her bedroom overnight while she went to work and that is a serious fire hazard. She also left the key in the lock of our side door, also overnight! My guardian angel must have been working overtime (thank you guardian angel sorry for stressing you). So there I am begging my Maternal Unit to take it easy before I get murdered in my bed before my time.

Then what did I do?

I made a rookie mistake in a press release I wrote yesterday. I'm still kicking myself over that one. Then I came to work today with our house phone in my handbag. [sigh].

I guess my promise not to stress isn't holding that well. Well we can't rent our house anymore. SO we have to bounce by the 31st and the house we want to buy, the agent omitted to tell us that is it ex-council which means we wouldn't have offered the price we did for it. So we are looking again.........

Here is the joke my manager sent to cheer me up, enjoy.

The Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied , 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'
Church today was like an arrow through my chest, I'm reeling. The Gospel reading was the one where a lovely young man comes to Jesus and asks what he has to do to gain eternal life. Jesus told him to follow the commandments and He listed them out for the young man. The man says he has followed all of them his whole life. Jesus looks at him and loved his earnestness and told him, OK last thing.....sell everything you own, give the money to the poor and come and follow me. The young man was crushed because he was quite rich and he walked away.

So Father Micheal (our Irish priest, always keeps it real), he said in his homily (preaching), why do we think that Jesus had issues with rich people? That it was the danger of letting your possessions possess you. That as humans we will always feel insecure and seek comfort and security from all sorts of areas and when we let them clog up our beings and we are bound in them.

I hope I'm making sense because I'm paraphrasing horribly.......

Anyway he then said, we shouldn't be feeling happy with ourselves just because we don't have a holiday home in the south of France or a six figure salary. That there are other sorts of things that can posses us just as badly as material possessions can. Attitudes and behavioural patterns that block our souls and restrict us from inner peace and communication with God. He stressed that we need to be honest and identify what they were so that we could be released and have inner calm and serenity, thereby being able to experience a bit of heaven while on earth.

That really got me. I have known for ages that I'm not at peace. Deep down where it really matters I know that I don't have the serenity I remember possessing once. Let me tell you, even if you aren't religious, there is something to be said for letting go of the crap that is blocking up your life.

For me it's not possessions. I don't have anything that is a prized possession, my room could go up in flames and apart from my baby pictures I wouldn't be fussed. No my biggest issue is attitude. I know I have been disturbed by what has been happening to my Dad. I am not a hateful person and yet I hate his siblings. They dared harm my parents and that's not on. Hating them is harming me.

My constant weight issues is also weighing me down (pun intended). Obsessing over my body has definitely possessed me and blocked me from reaching out to God. Of that I'm sure. While praying in Church these two things sprung to mind and I know others will crop up when I think about it. I have this thing where I think I am not where I am meant to be. I worry that I'm wasting my life somehow. The kicker is if you ask me what I'm meant to be doing, I don't know!! So I go over and over all these things and they are my possessions. Strapped to the back of my consciousness, never letting me focus on what's important like my communication with God.

Funnliy enough while thinking, I thought that Baked Beans would be an issue. I was so burnt when I came back from Christmas and the way he treated me, then the way he kept calling me and yet not being honest about why he was calling. I really thought he would be on my list, but somewhere along the way I got over it! Amazing. I'm not angry anymore! I nearly laughed out loud.

So with all this introspection, I ask God to help me. I want to release myself from past hurts and greviences and issues that I have let takeover my life. I want that inner peace, I want a glimpse of heaven on earth.
The last quarter of this year is going to be nuts so strap up and enjoy the ride because you all KNOW I will be here crying, laughing, bitching and generally asking opinions etc! Don't leave me in my hour(s) of need.....

Train Stop One
So our home of 19 years is officially sold. There was a bit of a panic when we realised where we have found wouldn't be ready in time (end of October). It looked like we would have to put everything in storage and then bunk in various houses like wandering nomads. See my Maternal unit in full blown panic mode. Hmm! Her biggest problem wasn't paying for storage (I said I would), it wasn't packing up 19 yrs of your life into boxes, it wasn't where we would stay. Nope her biggest problem was her freezer.

Or should I say her three freezers!

Mum: " Caramel I can't sleep! What will happen to all my food stuffs that I suffered and brought from Nigeria? My yam? My bitter leaf? My egusi? My ukpaka etc etc.."

Me: "Mum just share it out among all your friends freezers!!"

Mum "Ohhhhhhh I don't want to!"

Na wa oh! See beef! In the end though, the new owners of our house have agreed for us to rent it from them. Thank God oh! So now the great packing begins! I know it will be a mini battle. My Maternal Unit is a self confessed pack horse! We haven't even started and already we have had our first 'words'.

Me: "I will start on my room and the sitting room. We can chuck things we don't need like our Nollywood VHS."

Mum: Why do you want to throw them away?

Me : " No one uses them anymore, it's all VCDs and DVDs."

Mum: "Then we can give it to charity shops (second hand stores) down the road."

Me: " Mum I'll be hard pressed to imagine the Cancer Research Shop stocking Living in Bondage!!"

Oh dear..........

Train Stop Two
My friend of 16 years has me gobsmacked. While her first engagement was in the process of failing, she started seeing someone else. She told me her first engagement had broken up in July, then in September she told me she is getting married to the second guy in December. My head was spinning. I just felt that it was weird to be engaged to two separate men in under a year. If I met a guy in May and was marrying him in December, my family will think I am either pregnant or nuts .....especially as I have just left a previous relationship.

Anyway (Bumight you won't believe this) I am now on my way to Nigeria in November to be her bridesmaid. I didn't plan this (obviously) and I'm stuck between wanting to be there for my friend and wondering if I have a right to worry. To be honest this was last week. Right now, I am in live and let live mode.

Anyone who followed my near bankruptcy with my cousin's wedding will not be surprised to hear that at least I have learnt my lesson. When my friend said I will have to buy my bridesmaid dress, I politely told her that I am buying a last minute air ticket to Nigeria which I did not budget for so in no way am I paying for my bridesmaid dress!!! I am in the process of buying a house, who has cash for last minute romance? Not me mate!

Train Stop Three
I have started my hospital tests because of my PCOS and all the weird symptoms I have been having. I have had two consultations, blood tests and the last is my ultrasound this week. I am in and out of my hospital these last two weeks that I am on first name basis with the ladies at reception.

My tests keep taking me out of the office and I feel awkward. I know I have to go but I can't wait for them to be over and I don't have to keep working half days. My workload is piling up. OK who wants to hear a freaky story. Went for the blood test, and they had to take five vials. The blood wouldn't come out. We tried everything and still it was just dropping. I now jokingly put on my best Lord of the Rings voice and said "You may leave my body now", See the blood start gushing into the vials eh! Hey! Scary! If you see the look the nurse gave me, like "witch" LOL!!!
Whoosh! Time has left me! Time broke up with me, took the dog and the leather sofa and left me!

Thank you for the birthday wishes. I had a lovely time, and even though my dress WAS too short I took Nice Anon and Sirius's advice and rocked it out to the best of my ability.

I also realised that I don't have a head for champagne. No, no, no and no.

My 28th year started with me deciding that I had to make more of the life that God gave me. I think I find it quite easy to sit back and take a back seat with many issues relating to my life so I am trying to change. I also vowed to stop bending over for other people and not be afraid to voice my opinion. I can make noise, but when it matters I go quiet for all the wrong reasons. Well that has stopped too.

You know there are times (for the ladies) when you will just jump in and out of the shower, barely manage to rub body lotion and white powder and people will stop you on the road and say "Girl....... Loving the look! what make up do you use, etc, etc" Do you why? It's because your body had decided that day to work with you. All elements were in harmony, skin, hair, nails , all of it!

Well I have had many a day like that but this week! This week when I really need to be hot hot hot, my body has joined our postal workers and gone on strike! My hair is crooked, my skin is weird (autumn is here), and as for my tummy! Well, it's not even pretending to hear me LOL! Don't worry I wrote a petition to God. I expect a reply soon.

I'm buying a house with my Mum, (oh how terribly adult-like) only problem is we have a buyer but we haven't found anywhere for ourselves! See the stress! I have been to so many house viewings I now dream about them. So now the heat is on to find a house. I wrote God an email about that too.

More drama at home. My Dad now has two bodyguards permantly. I never believed there would be a day I would say that. Weird people keep coming to the Palace and asking bizarre questions. The latest was that two men in dark glasses came knocking at 5am in the morning asking for my Dad. Our househelp (so very unlike her) actually opened the door to them! She only told them that he had travelled, even though they grilled her. Then on her way to 6am mass, she realised that the big palace metal gates were padlocked and bolted, so the men had not come that morning, they had been in the grounds overnight. Na wa!

OK have to go and work! Stay happy! Stay blessed!

Happy September. August has left with my blessing and any hope of proper sunshine this country hopes to have for the rest of the year.

August was bad.

It started with a heavy weight on my chest and a constant feeling of dread that all was wrong and if it wasn't it was about to be. The smallest thing would annoy me and I couldn't sort out irrational anger from normal anger anymore. I would have mood swings where I was at my funniest and dazzling and in two hours I would be weepy. I thought it was PMS and then my period wouldn't turn up and let me tell you, I am as regular as a Swiss watch. I broke out in spots on my chest (me beautiful skin!!!), I was so bloated I couldn't wear my rings or high heel shoes and no period for three weeks.

Two things happened one weekend that finally made me go to the doctor. The first was that a friend would ask me about my birthday (next Monday !!) and I would be so upset. I couldn't face my birthday. I kept thinking that I was about to be 28 and all I could see were things that were wrong, I kept thinking I should have some kind of 5 year plan or something, I then refused to book the VIP room where I was going to have my birthday. I just didn't want to know. Then the worst was waking up on a Sunday morning crying my eyes out for about three hours. I missed Church (not my normal MO) and just lay on my couch for what seemed like for ever.

The next day I booked my appointment.

So the long and short of it was that eight years ago I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I was told that my levels were low and I should be able to carry on just fine, but from what I was telling him, it had cranked up a couple of gears and that now I had a common symptom: depression. So after referring me to the hospital for tests etc. He wrote me a prescription of anti-depressants! I told him HELL NO! I'm Nigerian, we don't roll like that. He then went on and on about her my symptoms will only get worse while I am waiting for my turn to the see the gynaecologist. For any woman reading this it's like when you go to the hairdressers and YOU KNOW that the style they are working on your head won't suit you but your powerless to change their mind. Well this is what it was like only that instead of a hairdresser it was my family doctor.

Did I mention I have had the same doctor since I was 10?

So I took the prescription but I didn't go to the pharmacy. I went home and gave it to the Maternal Unit. I went upstairs and I said to God, "I do not live on Wisteria Lane, I am not about to start taking anti-depressants, you have to help me find a way to beat this!"

So I went online and saw countless websites with all these women from around the world sharing different ways which they have tried to bring it under control and manage their symptoms(can't be cured). So while I wait for the slow machine of the NHS to reach me, I am trying to tackle this myself. All the websites say the same thing: bring your weight down and watch your hormone levels balance out (irregular hormone levels is what causes all the issues). So it is back to weigh ins and weight loss chatter on my blog :) I can't call it Freaky Bridesmaid Diet so it needs a new name....any suggestions? The bitch of it all though is that a rise in the wrong hormones makes weight loss more difficult to acheive [sigh].

With regards to the prescription, my Mum looked up the drug is her kick ass medical dictionary and it had the worst list of side effects she had ever seen. She was so horrified that she ripped it up at work on her ward and threw it away without thinking and then remembered it wasn't even hers! LOL! She came home and apologised for not telling me first but she was resolute.

I don't care I wasn't going to take it anyway! Anyway I exercise more, spend more time in prayer and reflection , just that moment in the day when you have quiet time and can pause and be still. I also called back the club and re-booked my birthday doo daa. I note that I am still over fussy over things and worry stupidly (case in point, latest problem my dress is too short for my party and my knees look awful. PLEASE SOMEONE BEAT ME) but I just shake it away.


I got to know someone special. Someone who made me feel special, no scratch that ......made me feel like a Princess and a Goddess all rolled into one. I didn't feel like I was playing a balancing act, where the wrong move would make you fall. I could be myself and be free. I've had letters that made me cry and poems that make me blush and phone calls that make me laugh at 2 am in the morning. I can't find the words.....treasured! There it is, I felt treasured and hand on my heart no man has ever made me feel that way, not once. As wonderful as I have felt though, it all reminds me of spun sugar; sweet, beautiful but oh so very fragile. Whatever happens, I don't regret knowing you. I thank God for bringing you into my life, because when I felt like I was in a gutter, you put me on a throne.



My Mum flew to America for her niece's wedding and couldn't pack because she was working double shifts everyday so I packed for her, matched all the outfits, sewed on missing buttons, did fashion consultancy on wrapper and handbags and shoes and wrapped in cling film and sellotape 10 bottles of Ace bleach for my Aunt as they don't have in it America (I know I know). So when she came back from work with a bunch of roses I thought it was because I had helped her pack but she said: "No not just that. I know I want you to move to your husbands house (when I was your age I had married your Father) but you should know I appreciate everyday that you are here with me." Awwwwwwww I love my Mum!


BIG BOSOM HUG (c) to everyone on Blogsville and massive shout out to my Followers! See oh ..... 32 beautiful Caramelicious people. Thank you oh! I remember when it was six LOL! God bless xx


On the left is my travel card wallet. On the right is one of Always's finest feminine products. So I'm running late this morning, got to my station and stuck my hand into the jumble that is my handbag. I pulled out my travel card wallet and swiped it at the gate. Nothing. Swiped it again. Nothing! Looked at my hand, I Caramel Delight, 27 year old woman, was swiping my sanitary towel at the card reader!!! Chai! Lord have mercy!

This is why it isn't good to rush!!!

So the station officer edges towards me at the exact time I realised my mistake. I'm telling you the guy went from pink to red!!! I just burst out laughing! Only me oh! Only me!

They were all 'ROTFLMAOing on Twitter but if you see the pictures you can see where my senses were going. Can someone please console me with other stories of mortification?

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
I had an epiphany last night, gosh it was blinding but let me rewind.

The two Bridget Jones books were already bestsellers before the movies came out, but the movies made them worldwide hits. In the UK words from the book actually made it into popular culture. Two big phrases were 'Singletons' and 'Smug marrieds'. Hilariously a 'singleton' = was a single professional urbanite woman and a 'smug married' to the best of my knowledge = married couples who you knew who always rubbed their status in your face or would disturb you about your single status.

For the record NONE of my friends have entered into the 'smug married' status but I wanted to explain where my title came from. OK, back to my story. In the space of a year barring one lovely young lady, my inner circle of sisterfriends have been blessed with either a quarter to fiancee, fiancee, or husband. I have been there from the beginning with all their stories and have watched them and their men move from that first date "what's my own, he has been disturbing me since, let me at least go and eat free food", to the realisation that he is the one, "OMG, he proposed, he proposed, I didn't see it coming, shebi you know you will be my bridesmaid?" LOL!!

Of course things change and dynamics change but that is to be expected. I hope I have always known to be supportive and give a hand when needed (surprise birthdays etc) and just be happy for them. But yesterday for the first time I felt the DIVIDE. We had planned a girls night out for about 3 weeks for last night. Then from the morning one by one they all dropped out due to one reason or the other stemming from this new life they had to try and balance out. Even with all our UN style tactical planning, it just fell at the last hurdle and I was gutted because I didn't realise how much I had been looking forward to going out with them till it didn't happen.

I had my blinding epiphany that I was now a Bridget Jones style 'singleton'. For the first time I felt not that my friends were coupled, but that I wasn't! Nothing wrong with that, but my close circle have moved on to another phase of their life and that is one bridge I can't cross yet. I still want to enjoy myself and go to movies, clubs and shopping but a buddy just ain't a phone call away anymore.

I learnt earlier on to make sure I wasn't a third wheel (nothing in the world worse I tell you) but I have to also learn that we can't have the same social life either. They have to stretch their time to their men and the commitments that come with that and I need a new raving crew!

Nothing will ever change them being my sisters and confidants but the fabric of the situation has altered (hmm big English) and I need to adjust to that.
I participated in Race for Life, which is a 5 km race for Cancer Research, exclusively for female participants. Why it's so popular is because you can run, jog or walk the route. I, Caramel had a fantastic mixture of 75% jog and 25% power walking! I also had bunny ears on, but you will have to imagine that one, as you can see some ladies ran in tutus, while others wore pink pj's!! 17,000 women were there on my day alone!!!! The atmosphere was electric. I raised over £200, not sure yet though as some of my aunty's HAVEN'T GIVEN ME THEIR PLEDGE!!!!

Next year I'm going to run it, I have proven to myself that I can move my ass off my couch, so I now I want to do more ;)
Freaky Bridesmaid Diet Result = I lost 6kg/13.2 lbs
The wedding happened oh!!! Now I can allow Blogsville rest!!! LOL!!!! It went well oh! Thank God! See the outfit, hope I represented you all well ;) Also I didn't go with the make up/hair people and I swear you wouldn't know the difference (whoop whoop)! The bride looked beyond radiant and she put her own spin on things and looked unique.
Scariest moment = The cleaning staff in the hotel where we slept taking all our flowers, because they thought it was rubbish!!! Blood of Jesus! I nearly fainted! We followed one person to their office to see who they can call and there was two of our bouquets in individual vases of water!!! Heyyyyyyyyy!! I was furious! The look I gave the guy, he didn't know when he went running to look for the other four bunches. I thank God for that miracle, can you imagine if anything had happened?
I have to praise my fellow bridesmaids oh! We were running around on chores and still looked radiant , even though I forgot my slippers in the hotel and ended up hobbling in pain :) Highlights of the day has to be the Micheal Jackson dance off during the reception! Fabulous!
It's my second year of being on Blogger and I feel like the shine has worn off in Blogsville. Some of my idols have vanished and I can't feel the heat. I'm still here shah, this is where I come to think. The Diary of a Lost One is very precious to me and I thank God that I have had it these past two years. Thanks to all who drop by and listen to my yapping (yessssss I know I talk too much)!!

PS How do you get a guy out of your head?
Dress - £130
Hair - £40
Styling (WTF?) - £50
Shoes - £30
F&$king import duty for the dresses from the States - £40

Total so far......£290!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We bought the dresses from America to save money and now with this import rubbish it's the same amount anyway! I have lost weight and will have to get the dress fitted, I don't know how much that will cost. Also because I don't usually wear strapless outfits, I have to buy a strapless bra as well and they don't come cheap! The entire bill could reach £350. I am so angry, I have a headache.

What annoys me as well is that it is colouring my feelings towards the wedding. Someones special day and you are meant to be happy for them and all you can hear at the back of your head is the sound of over a quarter of your monthly paycheck going down the drain. I'm glad I put my foot down and said no to the make up lady (another £30). I will wear white powder and not give a damn!

I dare not talk to the bride or her sister right now because I will start family wahala. I am trying to cool down and it's not working. For the first time in my life, I get why people don't like weddings.


I have been fuming all day and walking around like black thunder trying to see ways of saving money and doing maths in my head ( a sure route to putting me in a graver mood). So I got home and my Mum came in after. Our neighbour called on us and he is sooooooo sick. He looks hagard, has lost three stone, can't keep food down and is frail (a man in his thirties). He is on hi and hello terms with my Mother and came to ask for a lift to the hospital tomorrow as his limbs hurt and he can't make it to the the bus stop without difficulty.

I gave him some food because he lives alone and my Mum agreed to take him tomorrow. Dear God, I thank you for my health, I won't shout over expensive weddings. What is money compared to health and having someone to look after you? I just learnt a very painful lesson this evening.
This morning I thought it would be a quiet day with no headaches.

By this afternoon I had changed my mind. My bridesmaid drama showed no signs of abating. I had called the bride's sister to ask a question about jewellery and mentioned in passing that i was off to buy our gold shoes, only to hear...
"Oh no Caramel it's not gold anymore, it's now silver."
"What do you mean?"
"Well we saw the dress up close and realised that it had silver threading and decided to change the shoes."
"No one told me!!!!! So if I hadn't called you, I would have been screwed."
"I thought you knew"

What rankles is that for ages I have been browsing shops and have passed countless silver shoes but have turned a blind eye in my quest for f@*king gold shoes. Two weeks before the wedding, outfit change and NOT A WORD !

Fast forward to the evening. My friend PL, had helped me picked the shoes and was going to have dinner with her fiancee. I had picked up my dinner and didn't want to rush home to my World War 3 house in a hurry and asked if I could chill in her flat and have my dinner then go home.

So far, so good.

We get to her flat, and I see that her brother (Ex-hottie, best kisser to date, former object of my desire, currently engaged to be married) was not going out but staying in. Not an issue. PL and her fiancee go to dinner, Ex-hottie goes to the sitting room and I'm in the kitchen making dinner and speaking on my phone.

After a while PL starts calling, I ignore it as I'm talking to my friend from India but it's persistent. She calls ex-hottie to say that they are turning around and are on the way to take me to dinner too!


Why on earth would you break your date to turn around and add plus one? I argued that I had had dinner already, that they were on a date, that this made no sense! Nope, she said, they had decided to come and get me, it's Saturday night etc etc.

Fantastic, I am now a pity case.

I ask ex-hottie, why is your sister turning kolo, and he says.."she doesn't trust me alone in the house with you!"

I was about to laugh until I saw the look on his face. I seriously don't think he's joking. Now I'll wonder, really wonder what all of that was about! Is that why they came back? Does she know something I don't? Are we not all adults? He's getting married for heaven's sake!

Then in the middle of all of that, while I'm waiting for them to come and get me and I'm trying to decipher the look on ex-hottie's face, I'm getting three texts from Baked Beans! Is something in the air! Can you imagine! After total silence for 6 months, suddenly random jokey texts! For me to say what exactly?

'How are you?'
' :0)'


I, Caramel Delight, look foward not backwards! Old news belongs in the bin!*

*Metaphor for old love interests, not encouragement to not recycle.

Where were you when you heard Michael Jackson had died?

I had just come back from Accident and Emergency because my boss fell in our theatre during a show and chipped a bone in her leg. Shattered and tired at 11.20pm, a text from my cousin....Micheal Jackson is dead! I called her back and shouted at her that I'm not in the mood. She told me to go and put on my TV.

Michael!! I told my Mum when I was little that you were the only one I wanted to marry, we loved your music so much. I am speechless. No one can ever touch you, ever.

I hope death gives you the peace you never had in life.


I had banned myself from online activity like Blogger and FB because at work we are in the middle of our new campus launch. No simple ribbon cutting here, nope! Six days of 17 events like shows, lectures, open days and celebrity visits. The highlight of my career thus far, the result of four months planning, the justification of my MA!

Day two, my feet are dead and I'm shattered!

Anywhos, the news reached me that Bumight said she might end her e-pregnancy because Doug was looking at my bum, and I thought, I have to blog this evening cos this is too freaky!

I dreamt about Bumight last weekend. In the dream, Mum is reading The Guardian newspaper and I see a column written by Bumight. It's actually got that name on its byline. I snatch the paper and yell that I know that person! I scan the paper and in my dream I identify her (no picture) by phrases she uses in her blog. I wonder though, because I'm thinking when did she leave medicine now? How come she is writing for a big British newspaper?

So when I woke up, I was very perplexed. I don't dream about bloggers! Well there was this one time,very racy dream actually ;) I digress. I was very very very puzzled! Then I cracked it! Remember my cousin who got me frantic because we had to pay £175 for the bridesmaid dress? Well after deep prayer, we got it cheaper in America. Now we are being told about £30 for make up for our face and £50 for our hair to be styled. Not fixing the weave, just arranging it!! £50 !!!!!

I am pissed off! The whole evening I was muttering to myself. I won't do the make up but the hair I can't get out off :( So my last thought to myself as I went to bed was "Shebi Bumight wants to be a bridesmaid, she should be careful what she wishes for oh!"

That's why I dreamt of Bumight! LOL!

One more curious thing before I crash for the night. Two nights ago, my Mum woke me up by calling my name and saying I should come to her room. I ran out to find glass all over her carpet floor. I looked to the window and the ceiling wondering what had fallen and saw nothing. The thick sheet of glass that we place over our cabinet tops to protect the wood at home, had cracked and splintered into a million tiny pieces, ALL BY ITSELF.

Standing in her room I could still hear the damn thing cracking and pinging as it continued to shatter and shatter in more tiny diamond like pieces. That is the freakiest thing I have ever seen in my whole life. My Geek Squad Captain said it must be heat but we have actually turned off the central heating at home. The house is the coolest it has ever been. Weird! I don't like the fact that it poured all over her floor and over her duvet, it could have gotten her face. Na God oh!

OK short post has turned epic. Time for bed.

PS Sirus you aren't online!
PPS Do you know the kind of self control needed to not read tempting blog posts till the weekend?
Due to popular demand (OK fine only four people) as promised before all the wahala, for the first time in six years, MY BUTT IN JEANS! LMAO!

Taken in the most quiet point in my office building, where no one would find us taking butt pictures ;)

Freaky Caramel got let out today, I had nearly stifled her to death. I can be a sensual person but it gets lost in all my hustle and bustle blah! Not today.... and for that space in time it wasn't about money issues, work deadlines, family stress, corrupt Nigerian policemen or dodgy bridesmaid's hairstyles.

It was just about how good it feels when someone weaves a little special magic.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. I was positively purring.
I never knew panic could be so crippling! So I'll just say thank you for all your kind thoughts and prayers. I have no shame, when I need extra praying power I go to all who can help both here and in the 'real' world! I'm guessing if God gets harassed enough by everybody then He can't ignore me, right?

In a nutshell, my Dad's brothers that I spoke about about two posts back, went to Abuja and brought 'policemen for hire' to arrest my parents and my Dad's cousin on trumped up charges. Luckily my Mum wanted to visit her mum before going on to fly back to London so they were not home (missed them by an hour) when they came to harass them. They did grab my Dad's cousin though. Hey! Every five minutes my phone was ringing.

Hearing your Mum panic that they might try to grab her before she boards a plane, (they actually tried but went to the wrong airport) when she has done nothing wrong is the worst thing I have experienced in my adult life. The worst part was being in London and feeling useless. My Mum is back and my Dad is in Abj with proof to show that the allegations are false.

My fear is gone and is now replaced with anger. I don't take to kindly to idiots trying to harm my parents. 20 years of stress all because my Dad was trying to hang on to the dream and legacy of my Grandfather's family. Well that's over and he has realised that now. Even those that aren't the trouble makers stick their heads in the sand and pretend nothing is going on. That entire palace can burn as far as I am concerned. To your tent oh Isreal.

Anyway, it's all about the funds now. Before it was money for the house, now you got to think of court cases as well but God dey. I will happily embrace being broke to bring this whole pile of crap to an end. You need to see my Mum, she came back having lost all this weight from stress! Hmmm! No this won't do at all.

I'm going to bounce, but I wanted to say that God will bless all of you. New friends and old for emails and phonecalls and making me laugh. I feel like I have lost my blogging mojo and all (chai I haven't even been on Fatbusters since) but I wanted to explain in a nutshell and say thank you.

CaramelD xxx
I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved, he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Isreal will neither slumber or sleep.

The Lord is your keeper, the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The Sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil, he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and for evermore.

This was good enough for David all those thousands of years ago, then it is good enough for me, a woman who has lost her ability to talk properly to God. This Psalm is all that goes through my head. God please I hope you hear my prayers, I always thought that poor health is what would make me fear for my parents. I never thought it would be murderous intentions of people who share the same blood line as me that would make me weak with worry. I dread every Nigerian phonecall right now.

I don't doubt that you are doing something, the minute they went to visit my Grandmother is the moment the hired thugs came looking for them, God please please please please I am a 27 yr old woman in tears, please my parents are all I have.
Late last year I lamented about problems my Dad was facing with the male members of his polygamous family.  When he got back to Nigeria their accusations came thick and fast, one of them being that he does 'juju' and is behind some of his half brother's failures (if you met these men you would doubt that). 

So one of the results of this is that a particular brother (I don't call them uncles, it's a disrespect to the true meaning of that word) took my Dad in Feb to the cathedral in Onitsha in front of a priest and they both swore not only on a Bible but on the Blessed Sacrament that if they have done juju against anyone in the family may they be struck down etc etc (I will have to confirm the exact wording later).

The guy died last week.

So now some brothers have all rolled into town to plan his funeral and said my Dad killed him. Haba, this one Daddy is busy oh.  He didn't want to go to the Cathedral but did it to calm all the rumours in the palace, now the stupid man is dead and it's still his fault. They can't have it both ways, either he is using juju or he isn't...... My poor Dad I feel so sorry for him. See what an accident of birth can do. I can't wait for the house to be finished so that we can be done with living in the palace with those sorry excuses for human beings.  

See an example, after a meeting was held, it was decided my Dad would turn over all the property still left in my Grandfather's name so that it will all be sold (instead of rented out) and the money shared out right. A committee was formed and now the idiots need certain papers of my Grandfather and don't have it because of the of the really vile ones a few years back vandalised my Grandfather's old office where all his papers have been kept untouched.

Then my Mum called me from home (she is still there) to say that my brother's nanny had been feeling unwell, went for a blood test and was confirmed to be HIV positive! So she went for a confirmation test in the teaching hospital and ran away from there. The looked for her and then she sent someone with her keys and mobile phone saying she was too ashamed to come home. My Mum was out of her mind because she wanted her and the nanny to go to Lagos for anti-viral drugs. So for one week no sign of her. I was praying so badly. She turned up on Saturday, thank God.  I heard anti-viral drugs are mad expensive, but I have my car savings so I will definately contribute. 

I had a headache with all the phonecalls from home this weekend. I also feel a little helpless. I'll get on my kness to pray and I don't even know where to start. I feel OK, then restless, then OK. I wish someone could put a hand on my head and heart and calm both.

In totally different embarrasing news, I got so exicted when Man Utd won the Champions League that I texted both my Dad and Baked Beans to share my glee without thinking. It was so automatic. The shame of it! It was such a natural inclination. Aaaarrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh. I deleted his numbers to stop all this rubbish. My friends are still laughing. Hmph!

Please pray for my parents. Thank you.

So approximately how many frogs does a woman have to work through to average out a prince? Or in plain English, what is the ratio these days for weird/crappy/freaky dates : normal dates? There has to be some kind of scientific formula. There are so many whizz kids in Blogsville, someone must know?

I'm not a Hollywood/Disney devotee, I know real life. I'm not asking for an outing with Prince Charming (we are human after all) but darn! I do not need the kind of situation where you are thinking to yourself, "someone is going to jump out with a camera crew and yell 'SURPRISE' because this cannot be happening to me!"

As the song asks, who really did let all the dogs out??? This is why I stay home, but then my friends shout at me to go out!

I NEED A BISCUIT!!! (I'm not going to have one though).

It's that time of the week . Drumroll.....................

Freaky Bridesmaid Diet/ Week 6 = No Change

I need to increase my exercise serioulsy!(Not Roc's type of exercise LOL) I felt I hadn't lost so I'm not surprised. Drank a lot of alcohol on Saturday and that will hinder all progress. So onwards and upwards!

I am wearing jeans for the first time in six years and I look goooooooood! Next time I will take a picture of my bum and post it. That is how happy I am :)

Drama in my office this week oh! Two crying managers from different units with different issues. Na wa oh! Tensions are running high and Caramel is running to Birmingham. I need a break from London haba. Have a blessed weekend everybody.
Woooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooo!
Conga Line!!!!

We totally kicked ass last night! Praise the Lord! Alleluia! Alleluia, Amen!

To recap, I work for a Marketing Dept in a Further Education college in London. So last night was our Oscars so to speak. We were up against other colleges and big big universities (whose marketing and PR budget is nearly 10 times our own).

So for the three entries we were nominated for we won awards in all three! Wooo hoooooooo! You have Gold, Silver and Bronze. So we won Gold in a tough category where we were the only college and 9 flipping universities! When they called our name our table went nuts! Could not believe it! So that was for Integrated Regional Campaign. We won Bronze for Print Media (very happy I had to write the nomination entry, 2500 of full blown English) and our boss won Silver for Marketeer of the Year.

That's how we carried one trophy and three plaques to work today (but we came in late shah, we left the venue at 12.30am). That validation feels soooooooooo good, especially as it is a UK wide competition. Sooooo PARTY OVER HERE!!!!!

Ironically we had the dinner and awards ceremony at the Royal Courts of Justice and I thought 'this is the closest my Dad is ever going to get me in court' LOL.

In other gist since I have joined Fatbusters I will change my weigh in day to coincide with their own so I weighed myself this morning and guess what...I had lost 1kg !!! Even though it's not yet a full week!

Freaky Bridesmaid Diet/Week 5 = 1 kg

I need more exercise, so went to get a new sports bra. Gosh it was so complex. They had grades for different strengths of bra. 1 - 5 Imagine! There was a chart at the back of each packet, the type of complicated chart that Danny B would love. Eg If you are 32C and want to do yoga then level 1, if you are 34B and want to horse riding (gini?) then level 3 etc etc! Na wa oh! I spent time in that store scratching my head for real. The worse part is that poor me 36F, everything apart from gentle stretching was Level 4, Level 4, Level 4! Foolish and ingredients!

So that is how one sports bra was £28! Lord have mercy! I didn't have a choice oh! Have to get one before you are doing kickboxing lessons and your chest nearly takes out your eye all in the name of losing weight!

Please pray for me oh, I have two places I need to be tomorrow one is in Luton, one is in London, no car, just trains and my leggedes benz. It's loooong man! Chai! This time next year I am driving , na aha Jesu Kristi, Amen!

Sirus tagged me a while ago, but I really have issues with deep introspection. In the past though I promised to be completely honest in my blog so this should be right up my street, no? Well anywhos yeah me!!! (That's me bragging by the way: see below).


1.You must brag about it

2.You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger

3.You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends (lol).

4.Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

5.List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on!

For anyone who wants to know, here goes....

1. I always, always, always burst into spontaneous song and dance routines. I have a song for every occasion. I sing in my head and sometimes it blurts out. I also toe tap and do random dance routines to either cheer myself or other people up. I can't help it. I also do it in the office. I tried for a while but about my third month I cracked. It's now an office tradition that I do the happy birthday routine for anyone who's birthday it is in our team. I can mimic most styles, Bollywood, Hip Hop, cabaret, Naija styles, old musicals.....the list goes on. I love to dance, always , always, always!

2. I am still in possession of my V-Plates. I have to be psychologically comfortable with someone before I can be physically comfortable with them, so I have never understood the whole fling thing per say. So as I have never had a long term relationship, it never happened. There have been two men that if fate hadn't intervened I would have sooooooo gone there! No joke! When you click on both levels it's a beautiful thing. It doesn't come up in conversation because when you tell guys they roughly behave in three ways: like you are a challenge that needs to be conquered, a science experiment that needs studying or they just look at you in abject fascination. My favourite quote from one guy was, "but you are not a spiro, you go clubbing and dress sexy..."

3. A secret worry niggles at my brain and I have never told anyone. I wonder about the future, when God has called both my parents and I am my brother's guardian. Will he be happy? Will he want to find his birth parents (don't even know how to)? Will I be able to look after him properly? I trust in God's love but I do worry now and then.

4. My tight circle of friends are more family to me than my actual family. They are smart, kind, warm, loyal funny women and I am blessed to have them in my life.

5. I cannot stand people who snap their bubble gum while chewing. It's the most awful thing in the world in terms of decorum to me argggghhhhhhhhhh!

6. I am such a homebody. I need to be pried out of my house half the time. But when I go out I love it. Dressing up, going out and having fun, the music, the extra shiny lipgloss, the friends. Love it. (I love my wrapper too though haha).

7. Slowlyyyyyyyyyyy trying to love my body. I am trying to stop with the moaning and look after the 'vehicle of my soul' and maybe it will start looking after me back. So bitching is on a minimum. Instead I'm now looking at the parts I love. I love my boobs. They are fabulous, they can be always called upon to make a dress look hotter LOL. I love my skin too, it suffered during my childhood and now has bounced back. Erm maybe my eyes too. I shall always thank God for one special thing though. No matter how big or small I get, I always have a figure '8' correct. hahahaha. God is good!

8. Books are the life blood to my sanity. I love reading so much. As an only child growing up, they were my friends. One book meant hours of escape and adventure, and knowledge. I used to devour them. By 10/11 I was unto Mary Higgins Clark and Jeffrey Archer. My Year 4 teacher in primary school used to bring in books she was sure didn't have violence or sex because I had gone through the school's library and wanted more. Oh Miss Stimpson. I loved her! I wonder where she is now. She was so cool.

9. Spent most of my 27 years being responsible and dependable and now I hate it a bit. I get taken for granted sometimes and it sucks. I get signed up for stuff and no one bothers to ask because 'good ol' Caramel won't mind.' Hmm. I love helping but you don't want to help people so much that you lose your own life in their business! No way! Same with friends. Don't want to be the Mummy figure. Trying to break that shit. No more ageing myself before my time.

10. This stuff is hard. OK last one. I love walking around in my underwear. It's liberating. Now that it's getting warmer in London, there is a lot more of that going on. Ohh even better dancing in my underwear, fabulous! Always puts me in a good mood.

So I think everyone has done this by now, right? I'm the last one I'm sure. So like the last meme I did I am going to tag people who will probably ignore me but it might happen ;)

Badderchic (where is she?)
Moka Blogger
Roc Naija
Nigerian Scorpio
Doug (my BFF is so off the radar that even NASA can't find him )


Freaky Bridesmaid Diet/Week 4 = No change
Thank God! Why? Because last few days I have been bitched slapped by my period so doing my best impression of a beached whale. So no shaking, was actually afraid that I would put on. Women suffer you know, chai.
I wish I could express the way I felt when I read all the lovely comments you left for me on my last post. It was like having a cold void in the pit of your stomach and having it slowly fill up with a warm fuzzy glow of happiness. Like a good movie, hot tea, good book and kissing all rolled into one :)

I felt so sad but unlike before I really didn't want to quit. Also I normally would just not talk about it but I want my blog to be an honest reflection of my life and what matters to me. So even though there are bigger things in the world, right at this point losing weight matters to me and I was sad but you made me feel better, so much better. Like little shards of light banishing the dark aura around me.

I normally answer my comments one by one but work has been maaaaaaaaaddddd intense this past week culminating in a friend's wedding yesterday which I was involved in so I am a bit sleepy from lack of sleep and hay fever medicine.

Big thank you to my lovely ladies. Thank you for the advice, the humour and the comforting words of support. I have now seen all the ways 'hugs' can be portrayed on a computer hahaha. I felt like you knew what I was going through or could understand the frustration, so My World, Sirus, Mizchif, Temite, Afrobabe, Phoenix, She, ButterC, Bibi, BSNC, Shubby Doo, Writefreak, Lil Woman, Miss Spicy Tee and Enkay I'm grateful.

I had serious giggles with the male opinions as they sought to offer help in their own special way....
ManCee: I do believe this is your first time on my blog and yet what an entrance! Thank you for your assurance that you would still love no matter my size and in ans to your question I don't have any thing 'caramely' LOL. I'm sweet enough.

Freaksho: You made me feel like I was in the Principal's office and like I was a princess all at the same time.

Roc: You watch Living Channel? Really? hahaha

DannyB: Only you, only you would ask me to check the measurement error of my scale! That is a classic Danny B thing to say. I was laughing solo in my office they thought I was nuts.

Anyway I don't want to go on only about weight (boring!), I just wanted to say thank you for caring.

Caramel Delight


Other News

I tied headscarf on my head by myself for the first time ever!!!! This is big!!! This is huge!!!! I have done for people but with me I need assistance but there is no one at home and I was desperate so I just kept trying. When it stayed on my head and looked decent I felt like calling the BBC. I feel like I have passed a module in how to be a Nigerian woman 101. LOL.

Mum has bounced to Nigeria for five weeks, so home alone. Let me see if I can get up to any mischief. Who am I kidding? Probably won't. Might travel out of the city though for a break.

My body is going through this weird phase where I am sexually charged! Seriously no joke! For me to blog about it you know it's serious. I'm not sure where it came from but it's ridiculous. My friends say I'm glowing. I think I'm just giving out hormones or something into the air like a mating call. hahahahaha. If that is the case, I'm only pulling in 'men' 20 years or younger. It's weird. This whole year since January these young children have been after me. I don't understand. I swear the last one was 18!! For real! He asked if 'these were my ends?' and 'which hood I was repping?' I honestly answered 'HUH?'.

Anyway I'm off to grill fish and watch Poirot. I might tamper with my blog again. Don't worry if it looks odd later.

Update (shebi I posted last night too lazy for a new one)

Freaky Bridesmaid Diet/Week 3 = Lost 2kg
Whoooooooo hoooooo. Okay I know it's a bit confusing but the summary is so far in three weeks I have lost 3 kg in total.
This isn't a post, it's a wail of anguish.

Freaky Bridesmaid Diet/ Week Two:- GAIN 1kg

I suspected something was up on Sunday, I didn't feel like I did this time last week. So I did a quick weigh even though official weigh day is Monday.  So I stepped on and it read my weight of last week (no change). I was burnt. So shocked and so hurt and astonished.

I was surprised because on Friday my dress (friends wedding next week) had to be altered and according to the tailor I had lost an inch on my bust, and hips and 1/2 inch on my waist. I was so happy.

Now this.

So yesterday I was bummed out but to my great astonishment I also started crying. I couldn't stop! I cried in the shower and while getting dressed and finally got a grip and told myself to calm down. I ended up flat on the floor in the sitting room watching movies without being aware of what exactly I was watching.

So by the time this morning rolled around and I did my official weighing I was too exhausted to shout because of all I had cried yesterday. My Mum said I'm bloated because my period is next week but me I don't agree. In fact I don't know. I might have to increase my exercise even thought I'm working late this week.

Na wa oh! This means so much to me and I can't take failure of any kind. I'm not giving up or slacking or quitting. Nope! But I'm sad, there is no other word for it.

They came, they ate, they left.

I came back from church and jumped into the kitchen with my Mother. We would cook, then rest! Then cook, then go back and sit down, haba! They came in bits and soon my small house was full. I invited my friend's brother for the lunch and the poor guy was surrounded by my female cousins and their kids talking about growing old gracelessly.

I carried babies and stopped little ones from putting chocolate hand prints on the wall.

I was saved from madness by remembering that Christ conquered death for me. Easter gives me hope!

They went for seconds and thirds and desert. No one offered to help wash up (JESUS LOVES ME).

Mum tried to put green beans on my plate....I'm on a diet but there is no need to be needlessly cruel!!

My stupidity aside, it was nice having family around. Especially the little ones who wanted to dance to Michael Jackson! Sliding down the stairs on their bums nearly induced a heart attack!! Where is my camera when you need it???

Down side...sink is blocked and refuses to see the light and behave. To my Mum's horror we may have to call a plumber.

Called home and America, some people’s phones were switched off! Tut tut, where is your Easter joy Night Owl?

I needed this break, ready to face the world!

Freaky Bridesmaid Diet/Week 1 = 2kg or 4.4lbs Whoooooo hooo! I stood firm in the face of sooooooo much bloody cake and chocolates.

Appendix (Menu)

· Roast turkey
· Roast chicken
· Roast potato
· Mashed potato
· Yam po
· Rice
· Fish fingers (for the kids but the adults chopped them oh!)
· Pumpkin and carrots and green beans
· Gravy
· Hot fudge cake and Victoria Sandwich cake

All sprinkled with the awesome fact that Christ thought we were worth the ultimate sacrifice

In case you haven't seen this yet. Absolutely true and very funny. It's called 25 THINGS I HATE ABOUT FACEBOOK!


  • Wanted to post my fav hymn for Holy Week but can't find it in my handbag. Will do it later.
  • Just found out a mutual friend is bi. What do you say to that? Nothing. You put on kettle and make tea.
  • Woke up in a rush and wore the wrong trousers to work. Currently looking like a hooker in my office but luckily found long cardigan.
  • Second day of freaky bridesmaid diet. I miss complex carbs.
  • Still coughing and sniffling (not attractive).
  • Mum has decided we are having big Easter cookout. I get to finally do my roast ....for 20!!All welcome.
  • I miss dating and male attention. Got asked out, wasn't interested. I hope I'm not going back to days of ice maiden. I better not have hang ups from the whole Baked Beans debacle. That would be such a silly girly thing to do!
  • I am grappling with social networking sites on behalf of my college as part of viral marketing hmmmm! Twitter is not fun!
  • Hope a channel shows Jesus of Nazareth this week. It's not right if you don't watch Jesus of Nazareth over Easter week :)
Blogging is a hobby and a joy. Not just writing but reading my favourite posts and writing comments and reading comments! But for the first time in ages, my job has made sure I can't do the above properly. Sorry for the delay in relaying what happened after my rant. I didn't want to write it in a rush.

Big kiss and hug to all those that asked after me. I really do appreciate it. I guess what sprung me into action of writing is getting emails in my inbox asking if I'm OK. LOL! I was shocked, so I am responding by fire by force :)

** I'm so sleepy, period pains didn't allow me sleep and I fell like Mike Tyson has pummeled my torso so watch out for any typos.

Just before I had found out about the meeting, I had come home that Wednesday night to our house phone ringing and my Mum indisposed, so with my coat still on I picked the phone:

Caramel: hello, hello hello? [silence and scratching like NITEL] hello?
Dad: [in Igbo and shouting] Will you keep quiet! I'm trying to talk and you are talking! Shut up so that you can hear me!
Caramel: [in Igbo] is that why you must raise your voice? I really couldn't here anything! Why must you shout at me? I didn't do anything on purpose!

He then dropped the phone on me and called my Mum's mobile. It was after that that my Mum remembered to tell me the good news about the family meeting.

Fast forward to Friday morning. After my rant on Wednesday I had calmed down and decided to just bear the bloody meeting and see what it was about. As I got up, my Mum came into the room to tell me that my Dad (who had come back from a trip to Birmingham the night before) had told her he was not happy with me answering back on the phone call and shouting at him (I hadn't raised my voice one bit). He was going to 'seriously talk' to me about it. My Mum advised me to just apologise and let it blow over so my Dad wouldn't fuss.

Hey! That was it! I lost it. I was so angry inside. I just nodded at my Mum and tried to get ready for work but I was so gutted. I am not coming home from work to be shouted at for no reason and then stand trial for pointing out the obvious. There and then I vowed I wasn't coming for the meeting that night (I have never done that before!).

I arranged with my friend (PL) to go to her seamstress that evening but she wasn't feeling well, so I bit the bullet and asked if I could hide out in her flat till late in the evening. (I have been avoiding her flat as she lives with her brother, ex-hottie, former object of my desire but I was desperate). So that is where I stayed, till late and got home around 11pm.

I thought they were sleeping but about 20 minutes later, I could hear raised voices and lo and behold I realised they were arguing! so loudly and on and on and on. Imagine! I was amazed. What type of middle of the night argument is this one? With their lights off and everything! They went on till after midnight, I don't even know when they finished because I crashed.

So oh, Saturday morning I hear the door slam around 8am and thought someone was putting the rubbish out but it was my Dad leaving the house. He didn't tell anyone where he was going and he switched of his phone. He was meant to go and see my Aunt but never turned up there and by that time my Mum was worried. I wasn't! I knew he was doing it to sulk. He had done it before. He turned up later at 4pm.

My Mum asked me in the morning, didn't I remember about the meeting? I said, nope I didn't. Next question, are there any other diets I can try? (See they were talking about me). I said I will give one another go because my friend was going to do it with me. At this point I was depressed. I went to see a tailor and was meant to go to Luton to see my friend and her family but I took forever at the tailor and wanted to cancel going to Luton but my friend insisted. The long and short of it is after many adventures getting there and coming back (including getting lost, missing trains and getting fined: stupid national rail) I came home at 11.30.

I didn't do that one on purpose but I think my parents thought I did because of the atmosphere in the house. My Dad just said "they are looking for a missing 35 yr old woman please don't stay out late on your own. That was all I got. Sunday the house was too busy because my Dad was flying home on Monday. I helped him pack and ironed shirts and that was that.

It's a shame they fought but the best thing I ever did for myself was not coming home that Friday evening because the full force of my Dad would have been aimed at me because of the phone call and the audacity of me not being a size 12. I know my parents love me and I will never take that for granted but I still mean it when I say it's time for me to move on.
My Dad is calling 'family meeting' in Friday. My response to my Mum telling me this is 'what did I do now?'

Of the past three years the equation is: FAMILY MEETING = FAT & UNMARRIED CARAMEL

This is the burden of my individual family situation. My Dad likes to flex paternal muscles everytime he is around and I'm so over it. I'm stressed at work and like my home to be a refuge. Family meeting my bum!

I'm too old for this crap! I would have moved from my house if not that I am sending all my spare money home to help finish my parents home. Once that house is finished, I'm asking for a raise and moving out.

I'm done, it's enough.

Happy Mother's Day (UK) to all the Mums, mother figures and potential mothers out there. They have the hardest and the most blessed calling in the whole world.

As I am still in domestic goddess mode from last week, I decided in celebration of British spring (yes oh we have sunshine and flowers praise God) to do a full English Roast with roast chicken, potatoes and veg and of course gravy, with carrot cake and custard for dessert. Then my Mum says;

"Oh Mother's Day, when's that? Oh oh, I doing a double shift, won't be home all day."


This is why it's not good to get too exicted about things. I had missed the last two Mother's Day because I had been in Nigeria for Youth Service so I was hyped up..... Oh well.

I did the carrot cake anyway so she could take it to work for the other nurses that were working and I made another one for my friend's birthday. Now yesterday when I told my Dad I'm going to buy flour and stuff he had raised the whole fat girls shouldn't eat cake. I sweetly told him that both cakes were not for the this house and had external destinations.

Imagine my horror when we came back from church this morning and my Dad said:

"Stay away from sugar, the cake I ate last night (3am!) should not be in the house."


He had cut out a big chunk of someone's birthday cake. I had to use everything in my power not to flip and grouch. I had to point out that he has to work on listening to me when I speak and not tuning me out. I'M NOT HIS SPOUSE DAMN IT! I had even told him yesterday that there was a small cake with less fat and sugar I had made for him in the fridge. He bypassed that one and went for the big cake. Chai! I don't understand oh. When I spoke to him football, news and cowboy films were not showing, so where did it all go wrong?

I am now going to scrap together ingredients for another cake as the real owner is coming today to collect it. Someone give me a drink!

PS Jade Goody RIP. My dear you used what you had to the best of your abilities. May angels watch over your sons.


Afrobabe's post today asked what reminds us of our roots. Among other things I mentioned my wrapper and RocNaija was lamenting but Afro said it was sexy and Mizchif claimed it was a necessity. This is an article of clothing that can't be taken lightly...not at all! If the wrapper was a modern day invention and brought to me to promote, gosh! It would be a marketing dream come true. Check the myriad of uses:-

  • Primarily as a body wrap and modesty protector. It could be a skirt (lower part of your body), halter dress (tie it around your neck) or dressing gown (across your chest but be careful as it might make your boobs saggy).

  • It is a baby sling par excellence! How many mothers/baby carers will testify to this? For all of you that didn't know, your baby is soothed by your heartbeat from the back of your torso, while leaving your hands free to do the other million things women have to do.

  • It's a mini blanket when the weather is too hot for normal bed linens.

  • It can be a towel (true talk, I went to boarding school and saw with my two eyes).

  • Also when rolled up it can be used as a protector when carrying stuff on your head!

OK check it, how many points? 5!! Serious practical uses, now let us analyse Afro's claim of it's sexiness. Now please men feel free to contradict me but I personally know guys that have a weird freaky wrapper thing including an ex of mine. Every time he saw me in one he just had to pull it! He couldn't help himself. Other friends have mentioned the same freaky wrapper thing to me also. Maybe for guys it's the knowledge that one pull will reveal something! LOL! Like an adult version of Tales by Moonlight hehehehehe. Finally I have never seen a traditional bride more beautiful than with this current fashion of wearing wrapper only over her chest (old school style) and beads.

Last but not least, Nollywood would be lost without a wrapper or two thrown into every other scene. Fabulous! I rest my case!


In other news, another bridesmaid came to my rescue when she said that not only did she have that dress already for another wedding earlier in the year but that it was bought in America for less than 1/2 the price of the London cost! Praise be to God in heaven!! So now one of the bride's cousins is doing research! Please join me in thanking God oh!

I have been a witness to real e-love while my friend has been in London. Her and her Oga are missing each other seriously oh! There is no technological gadget that has not been used to keep in touch. Phone calls, IM, texts, mobile IM's, picture messaging, Google Earth! I tell you all that is left is Twitter LOL! It's romance in the 21st century. It's the sweetest and the nerdiest thing ever!

I channeled my inner Bree from Desperate Housewives and cleaned my house from top to bottom. Especially my room. There are too many nooks and corners for things to disappear. I even found my birth certificate and I didn't know it was even missing! Chai! All that cleaning must have burnt calories (Lord knows it wasn't anything else) as I am feeling quite Caramelicious ;)