Church today was like an arrow through my chest, I'm reeling. The Gospel reading was the one where a lovely young man comes to Jesus and asks what he has to do to gain eternal life. Jesus told him to follow the commandments and He listed them out for the young man. The man says he has followed all of them his whole life. Jesus looks at him and loved his earnestness and told him, OK last thing.....sell everything you own, give the money to the poor and come and follow me. The young man was crushed because he was quite rich and he walked away.

So Father Micheal (our Irish priest, always keeps it real), he said in his homily (preaching), why do we think that Jesus had issues with rich people? That it was the danger of letting your possessions possess you. That as humans we will always feel insecure and seek comfort and security from all sorts of areas and when we let them clog up our beings and we are bound in them.

I hope I'm making sense because I'm paraphrasing horribly.......

Anyway he then said, we shouldn't be feeling happy with ourselves just because we don't have a holiday home in the south of France or a six figure salary. That there are other sorts of things that can posses us just as badly as material possessions can. Attitudes and behavioural patterns that block our souls and restrict us from inner peace and communication with God. He stressed that we need to be honest and identify what they were so that we could be released and have inner calm and serenity, thereby being able to experience a bit of heaven while on earth.

That really got me. I have known for ages that I'm not at peace. Deep down where it really matters I know that I don't have the serenity I remember possessing once. Let me tell you, even if you aren't religious, there is something to be said for letting go of the crap that is blocking up your life.

For me it's not possessions. I don't have anything that is a prized possession, my room could go up in flames and apart from my baby pictures I wouldn't be fussed. No my biggest issue is attitude. I know I have been disturbed by what has been happening to my Dad. I am not a hateful person and yet I hate his siblings. They dared harm my parents and that's not on. Hating them is harming me.

My constant weight issues is also weighing me down (pun intended). Obsessing over my body has definitely possessed me and blocked me from reaching out to God. Of that I'm sure. While praying in Church these two things sprung to mind and I know others will crop up when I think about it. I have this thing where I think I am not where I am meant to be. I worry that I'm wasting my life somehow. The kicker is if you ask me what I'm meant to be doing, I don't know!! So I go over and over all these things and they are my possessions. Strapped to the back of my consciousness, never letting me focus on what's important like my communication with God.

Funnliy enough while thinking, I thought that Baked Beans would be an issue. I was so burnt when I came back from Christmas and the way he treated me, then the way he kept calling me and yet not being honest about why he was calling. I really thought he would be on my list, but somewhere along the way I got over it! Amazing. I'm not angry anymore! I nearly laughed out loud.

So with all this introspection, I ask God to help me. I want to release myself from past hurts and greviences and issues that I have let takeover my life. I want that inner peace, I want a glimpse of heaven on earth.