July was a 'trying' month. I held off here because I couldn't do with just writing and writing about bad stuff. I have learned a few things though. They include:

  • When next my Mum travels for a month, she can leave either her husband or her son. She can't leave both for me!
  • As a former pneumonia sufferer, I am apparently prone to chest and throat infections and can no longer utter the words, 'it's just a little cough, no need to see the doctor'.
  • If you have loved ones that you don't see often. Appreciate the small times you do get to see them as that could be the last time you see them alive. Next thing you know, you are getting a phone call that a young man who you saw smiling and laughing a year ago is dead. May the soul of my cousin and the souls of the all the faithful departed rest in peace. Eternal life grant them oh Lord and let perpetual light shine on them. May their souls rest in peace, Amen.

My aunty called me and told me she was checking on me because my Dad had said I was really upset over my cousin. Now this is my correct Aunty who calls from Naija all the time so I was really happy to hear from her. She then said from nowhere "I have found your husband! This one I mark 100%"....

Oh dear.

She then preceded to tell me about the guy's Mum who is her in-law and how awesome she is and how fabulous the guy is and how I should play nice. As I type this, I have just realised that I don't even know the guy's name. If past history is anything to go by, this is not going to end well. Don't believe me? OK take a seat dear one and read on...

  • First time I had the unfortunate experience of being hooked up, it was by an over zealous woman who thought that she could score points with my Dad by hooking up his only daughter. She lied to me and asked for my email to send something for my Dad and then proceeded to tell me that there is this guy who works for First Bank in Awka ( I think) and that he would really REALLY like to talk to me. This woman badgered me to death before I agreed. We then swapped emails. Now this was a while ago and I can't remember the details, but later I got an email from the guy asking me what was wrong with me. Why would a young woman in London be looking for a guy in Nigeria? Was I ugly or desperate? I swear this is the truth! I finished this guy eh, then turned my wrath on the woman and reported her to my Dad too. I'm sure I blogged about it and if I find the link I will add.

  • Second time I was sitting with my bestie at home one evening when my mobile phone just rang. I said hello, and then a guy speaking in the purest old school Igbo that would make village men sound like Prince Charles introduced himself to me, that he was from so so and so village and that my Aunty Oby gave him my number to introduce himself. Now I only have two Oby's in my family. One is my cousin (near my age) and the second one is my uncle's wife in Birmingham and in a million years she would never give out my number. SO I was baffled. He said his father also knew my Dad. So as politely as possible (cos I was sure I was speaking to a 60 yr old man) I told him to get more information from his Dad before I could speak to him. This guy kept calling and the more he called, the more 'Igbotic' he sounded. He also told me that he was a cleaner and he had no papers. At this point, I smelt a rat as he said he was happy being a cleaner. No Nigerian man could EVER say that. I stopped picking up the calls. I later found out that it was my aunty in Nigeria who had changed her name after repenting her former life, that had given my number. I WAS LIVID! I called her sister in London and ranted and raved!!  When I got to Naija for my Grandma's funeral my Aunty was very apologetic, she said she got so carried away that she didn't even think to ask me even though her sister warned her I wouldn't like it. I then said to her but what kind of Papa are you attaching me to? She was shocked! She told me that the guy was a young man, degree holding British citizen who worked for the UK Border Agency!!!! Let me tell you all, I believe this guy has either a white or West Indian girlfriend who he wants to marry and the Papa did not agree and I was the muppet caught in the middle. I DO NOT LIKE SUCH. If I ever see the guy, I will tell him off so badly because that was just underhanded and mean.

  • Third time, my Dad's cousin told my Mum that his friend in China (yes that's right, China), wanted to get to know me. At this point I told my Mum I don't want oh! my Mum now begged me. So mumu like myself gave my number. At this point I was off sick with laryngitis so with the crazy time difference, the only time he could call was in the afternoon. The conversation would not flow and I was bored. I kept trying to introduce a topic and it would just be monosyllabic answers, but he still kept calling. So when I got better, I told him that I was going back to work so he better give me his Whatsapp or BBM  or Facebook. I wasn't all that bothered to be fair but my uncle kept calling my Mum and harassing me. How can the guy start seriously dodging? Even going so far as to say that his computer was being fixed so he was off Facebook? Muahahahaha! In China you no get smartphone? That was when I signed off trying to be polite. he called one afternoon at work and of course I missed it. That was the end of that. I told my uncle I'm not stupid.

  • Last one shouldn't even get a mention but it is a cautionary tale of the fact that mad people plenty. I have mentioned on this blog before how there was a mad woman stalking me at church. She kept going on and on about her she wanted me to meet her husband's best friend. Can I mention that I did not know her from Eve but as fellow Igbo people in our church we were automatically besties! After dodging her Jack Bauer style for 5 months she finally got me in front of our priest. God is so good, I had my office mobile on me and gave her that number. That's how this dry man from Wales started calling me. Could not hold a single serious conversation. Only kept going on about how he had a Law Masters degree. Awesome! So now what? *silence*. Back in church I told this lady I'm not interested, that is when the full on stalking started. Calling me all the time, coming to different masses to try and get me, even sending her husband to accost me in the church car park. I flipped one day, called him on the phone and told him to tell his wife to back off. This was last September. How can in January she started again. She then told my Mum she was popping in for coffee, lo and behold, in she comes with the guy and her husband. I served them drinks and carried my hand bag and walked out. In all the drinks serving time, Mr Wales didn't once even look at me to say yo. So when I left he asked my Mum for permission to date me! HEHEHEEHHOHOHOHOHOHO. I laugh in Chinese. My Mum told him that that isn't how we operate as I a grown woman who knows my own mind. She was shocked! The look on her face when I got home was priceless! Later she pulled the woman aside and told her to chill. My Mum got angry because the lady had been telling people in our church that I was stringing her along. I had to ask if I was the last Igbo woman in the UK?

So dearly beloved, I have been minding my business and all this wahala has been at my door. It may actually be beneficial to my health to find a significant other so people can leave me alone. You can see why I am about to hide behind the couch until this wave of hook ups pass!

Please ladies has this happened to you? Guys too, are you in the danger zone?

Stay delightful xx 

18 Responses
  1. Sugarking Says:

    LOOOOOL. Great post! Loved it.

  2. CaramelD Says:

    Thank you babe, na so we see am!

  3. TheRustGeek Says:

    Tactlessness personified re- Mr First Bank.. Guess that's our lot form over zealous friends and family..

  4. Nutty J. Says:

    One woman in church has picked up the habit of seeking me out in church every sunday and telling me 'You must see me after service'

    And when I wait to see her, she begins to narrate how i'm too 'fine' to still be single and starts giving me ideas of who and who in the church is eligible... o boy, its the most tiring thing ever

  5. CaramelD Says:

    @ The Rust Geek, so bad it was almost amazing. Have they got you too? Ha!

    @Nutty J, the church one is worse because you can't even relax when you come in to worship!

  6. Toinlicious Says:

    Lmaoooo. Pele dear but naa, it's not just you but your stories are classics lol. it is super major annoying though

  7. Berry Dakara Says:


    I had the same issues, but it was my mum enabling people. We once went on vacay to Dallas, just because my aunt told her somebody wanted to meet me.

    Another time, my mum went on a course in DC, met a young guy who lived in England, and sent me a text to let me know someone would call me soon. We ended up being friends though, and while he really liked me, I didn't see him that way.

    PS - I'm really sorry for your loss. May your cousin rest in peace.

  8. CaramelD Says:

    @ Toin, let us be consoling each other!

    @Berry, thank you very much for your condolence. You stories had me choking on my tea. I have never heard of anyone flying out before!! PS I love your hair!

  9. Miss Moi Says:
    This comment has been removed by the author.

  10. 1 + The One Says:

    I can totally identify with what you are going through.. Thankfully my mum allows me BUT other people *sigh*.. Now, once I hear "I have this friend...", I'm like "NOT interested" lol.. It's tedious to say the least. God help us.
    And sorry about your cousin, I hope you're doing better now.. God bless you xx

  11. CaramelD Says:

    @Miss Moi, I'm laughing at 'God help us'. Maybe it has worked for someone, somewhere?!! Thank you very much for your concern. God bless you too and have a lovely weekend :)

  12. Ginger Says:

    Funny stories though i can imagine how irritating it musta been when it was happening. On the bright side, they must be keeping your phone velly velly busy.

    My mom told me recently about some church friend who told her that in her dreams, she saw her family and ours joined by marriage. I told my mom to tell her to bind that dream oo cause it sure wasnt me she saw. Biko kwa.

  13. SHE Says:

    Me, I always get suspicious when the middleman acts so desperate. They give the impression that something is seriously wrong with the parties involved...
    Na wa for the "cleaner" guy though. What rubbish?

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  15. Anonymous Says:

    Gosh you have really been through it with hookups o! Hia!

  16. ibiluv Says:

    don't get me started on hookups

    always a disaster..........

  17. ManCee Says:

    The problem with hookups is always that we start from a suspicious stance; so someone we might otherwise look at twice will stand less chance just because it is a hookup.
    I like to think though, that like all forms and media for meeting people in our present day, it should be given its own recognition and not thrown away with the bath water.
    Remember when online meets were vilified as crap? Well, I met some of the most interesting persons ever in my life that way. People who if my head had been screwed on right back then and distance was removed could have led to something grrreat!
    Ps: sorry to hear about your cousin.
    One love.

  18. CaramelD Says:

    @Mancee there is nothing you can say to me at all! I'm allergic to hook ups! I am going on scientific data!! LOL