Are you sitting comfortably? Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was this lovely young girl who liked hanging out with her cousin and his new wife. One day his new wife said to the girl (called CD) "You are in London, do you know my brother? When you go back after this visit make you sure you give him these messages and keep the communication going." So CD called the brother (DH) and they chatted from time to time. One day while visiting her cousin's home again, CD bumped into DH and they were introduced. He was happy to put a name to the face and so was she. Later he told her when they both get back to London they should meet up properly.

And so the story goes that CD met DH for a movie in south London. DH was not as charming or as lively as CD remembered but still had the energy to expertly try and brush his fingers across CD's boobs while watching the movie. Afterwards DH drove CD to the nearest train station and while CD was expecting a kiss goodnight was promptly treated to some unforeseen sweater action (her bra was never the same again).

There then followed after the 'interesting' date, sporadic phone calls from DH late at night where he wanted to come over, always late late at night, always during the week. CD always said no as she thought it was random and her house was full. The phone calls dwindled to nothing, CD chalked it up as experience and only called him months later after some bad men decided to bomb trains and buses in London.

Later CD found out that he had proposed to his girlfriend one month after the 'date', so CD was very happy not have bothered. THE END

THREE YEARS LATER

Since that day I hadn't seen him or spoken to him till the week I came back from Nigeria. I had some stuff to give him from his family and he came to my house to pick it up. The visit lasted not even an hour. I gave him drinks and nibbles and he made me switch from my Agatha Christie film to the football results. It was all 'wow haven't you changed', 'you are all grown up and cool and calm', whatever! He came and he left.

Move to this Saturday (keep up nearly there) and he is in my house with his wife and toddler to see my cousin's wife that I have told you is kicking the stuffing out of the cancer in her body. The house is full as also in attendance is my Aunty to take over looking after the patient as my cousin (her son) has to go back to Naija for a bit. As we are all chatting this nitwit starts making out like me and him go waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy back or something. Anything I say I like he concurs like he has some previous knowledge of my likes and dislikes. All my jokes are suddenly hilarious and he must laugh, shake his head and slap his thighs! One of my favourites is when he says 'Harrow traffic is mad ', how would you know exactly??? This is the second time in your life that you have been here!!!!

The all time winner is when I tried to lean on my cousin's wife lap and we laugh at her cos she scooted over no questions asked, DH's response is "Of course she is scared of you, you are a bully. You are ALWAYS bullying me"......... Hey!! Since when????? Dear blogsville, I swear that I have seen this boy 4 times in my entire life, where would I have bullied him?? He then spun out the Agatha Christie/sports tv thing like it was one big thing that was hilarious!!!!! I was sooooooooooooooooo pissed off!!!

Later when they left, my cousin's wife actually picked up on it and commented!!! She said that during the bullying thing his wife gave him a look! HABA! Why me? Why pull me into all these innuendos. I can't recount everything but with all the over familiarity it looked like we kick it and have some kind of friendship!!!!

Go away insensitive dufus! I don't know if he and the missus are having a row, but she works up north so they don't live together so shouldn't you be making the most of the weekend??? Grrrrr