I cried last night.

I was on the phone to my friend talking about other things and I started and couldn't stop until the weight in my chest had lifted.

I lied too. I lied to my friends when I hung out with them in Lagos. CK (who reads my blog) said that it sounded like Baked Beans had broken my resilience and I said no! Never! But the cracks were already there but I was holding them together. I didn't want one person to have the power to ruin my whole holiday. But now I'm back and couldn't pretend anymore hence the unexpected crying last night.

I feel better and I can write now.

It's hilarious reading my old posts where my biggest problem was whether I was going to sleep with him or not, or what I would say when we had our 'talk'! HA! I hardly even saw the boy. It all went to hell in a hand basket.

I saw him a grand total of three times in 10 days. The first time he was in a rush and zoomed in to get some things that were his from London. I didn't think I would see him that day, was in my towel and hurriedly dressed (so much for looking like a million bucks).

The second time (aaarrrggghhh). My cousin had a barbecue, an intimate all night type of thing. I live in my Grandfather's palace and they lock the gates at 11 for security so my cousin said I could come home with her and her hubby. Just that evening armed robber had done their usual and three people were killed nearby so everyone was keeping put and staying safe.

In comes BB and after saying hi and getting a drink proceeds to make me feel like the only glass of water in the desert! If I can hold that moment for ever I would. The way he looked at me..wow! Then he says slip away, spend the night with me, just be with me... CHAI! SEE MY LIFE!

I explain that I would want nothing more but not tonight. I have nothing on me (only phone), I'm staying with my older cousin so she will stretch her neck to look for me and that I can't slip away at 1 am in the morning. He asked and asked and I begged him to understand that I couldn't. The guy left and vexed for me for about four days......

We would talk briefly on the phone. Add in a couple of arguments and over polite chit chat. When I saw him for the last time it was at his sister's house (she is married to my cousin) I had spent the night there and we got a chance to be alone upstairs (we were using the Internet). The boy would blow hot, then cold! Pull me close (then two minutes later) ignore me. When I was done with the Internet and wanted to go back downstairs, he wouldn't let me to the point of hands wandering under my top (cough cough). Then he told me to move off his lap he wants to read football news!

That was it!I didn't talk to him on the way home. I asked him if I was the only one excited that I was seeing him, he said no, that he was excited but that party night killed his mood! I left for Lagos two days later.
____________________________________________

You see the thing is that I can't shout! I have no platform to. I'm not a friend, I'm not a girlfriend... what am I? I'm someone who by his lack of communication he has hurt very much. He refuses to talk to me properly and I have been forced to reel myself in properly before I get completely undone.

All those months of talking of fears and dreams and hopes, seem to belong to a stranger they don't belong to me. I have come to the conclusion that I have to stay to myself for now and get my mind right. I deserve someone who wants ME, not someone for who I'm a convenience. I wish I knew what was going on in his head but my pride won't let me ask again, it is enough. There is only so much rejection I can handle. I think I saw this coming but not like this and not hurting this much.