NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

I had an epiphany last night, gosh it was blinding but let me rewind.

The two Bridget Jones books were already bestsellers before the movies came out, but the movies made them worldwide hits. In the UK words from the book actually made it into popular culture. Two big phrases were 'Singletons' and 'Smug marrieds'. Hilariously a 'singleton' = was a single professional urbanite woman and a 'smug married' to the best of my knowledge = married couples who you knew who always rubbed their status in your face or would disturb you about your single status.

For the record NONE of my friends have entered into the 'smug married' status but I wanted to explain where my title came from. OK, back to my story. In the space of a year barring one lovely young lady, my inner circle of sisterfriends have been blessed with either a quarter to fiancee, fiancee, or husband. I have been there from the beginning with all their stories and have watched them and their men move from that first date "what's my own, he has been disturbing me since, let me at least go and eat free food", to the realisation that he is the one, "OMG, he proposed, he proposed, I didn't see it coming, shebi you know you will be my bridesmaid?" LOL!!

Of course things change and dynamics change but that is to be expected. I hope I have always known to be supportive and give a hand when needed (surprise birthdays etc) and just be happy for them. But yesterday for the first time I felt the DIVIDE. We had planned a girls night out for about 3 weeks for last night. Then from the morning one by one they all dropped out due to one reason or the other stemming from this new life they had to try and balance out. Even with all our UN style tactical planning, it just fell at the last hurdle and I was gutted because I didn't realise how much I had been looking forward to going out with them till it didn't happen.

I had my blinding epiphany that I was now a Bridget Jones style 'singleton'. For the first time I felt not that my friends were coupled, but that I wasn't! Nothing wrong with that, but my close circle have moved on to another phase of their life and that is one bridge I can't cross yet. I still want to enjoy myself and go to movies, clubs and shopping but a buddy just ain't a phone call away anymore.

I learnt earlier on to make sure I wasn't a third wheel (nothing in the world worse I tell you) but I have to also learn that we can't have the same social life either. They have to stretch their time to their men and the commitments that come with that and I need a new raving crew!

Nothing will ever change them being my sisters and confidants but the fabric of the situation has altered (hmm big English) and I need to adjust to that.

I participated in Race for Life, which is a 5 km race for Cancer Research, exclusively for female participants. Why it's so popular is because you can run, jog or walk the route. I, Caramel had a fantastic mixture of 75% jog and 25% power walking! I also had bunny ears on, but you will have to imagine that one, as you can see some ladies ran in tutus, while others wore pink pj's!! 17,000 women were there on my day alone!!!! The atmosphere was electric. I raised over £200, not sure yet though as some of my aunty's HAVEN'T GIVEN ME THEIR PLEDGE!!!!


Next year I'm going to run it, I have proven to myself that I can move my ass off my couch, so I now I want to do more ;)

Dress - £130
Hair - £40
Styling (WTF?) - £50
Shoes - £30
F&$king import duty for the dresses from the States - £40

Total so far......£290!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We bought the dresses from America to save money and now with this import rubbish it's the same amount anyway! I have lost weight and will have to get the dress fitted, I don't know how much that will cost. Also because I don't usually wear strapless outfits, I have to buy a strapless bra as well and they don't come cheap! The entire bill could reach £350. I am so angry, I have a headache.

What annoys me as well is that it is colouring my feelings towards the wedding. Someones special day and you are meant to be happy for them and all you can hear at the back of your head is the sound of over a quarter of your monthly paycheck going down the drain. I'm glad I put my foot down and said no to the make up lady (another £30). I will wear white powder and not give a damn!

I dare not talk to the bride or her sister right now because I will start family wahala. I am trying to cool down and it's not working. For the first time in my life, I get why people don't like weddings.

__________________________________

UPDATE
I have been fuming all day and walking around like black thunder trying to see ways of saving money and doing maths in my head ( a sure route to putting me in a graver mood). So I got home and my Mum came in after. Our neighbour called on us and he is sooooooo sick. He looks hagard, has lost three stone, can't keep food down and is frail (a man in his thirties). He is on hi and hello terms with my Mother and came to ask for a lift to the hospital tomorrow as his limbs hurt and he can't make it to the the bus stop without difficulty.

I gave him some food because he lives alone and my Mum agreed to take him tomorrow. Dear God, I thank you for my health, I won't shout over expensive weddings. What is money compared to health and having someone to look after you? I just learnt a very painful lesson this evening.

This morning I thought it would be a quiet day with no headaches.

By this afternoon I had changed my mind. My bridesmaid drama showed no signs of abating. I had called the bride's sister to ask a question about jewellery and mentioned in passing that i was off to buy our gold shoes, only to hear...
"Oh no Caramel it's not gold anymore, it's now silver."
"What do you mean?"
"Well we saw the dress up close and realised that it had silver threading and decided to change the shoes."
"No one told me!!!!! So if I hadn't called you, I would have been screwed."
"I thought you knew"

What rankles is that for ages I have been browsing shops and have passed countless silver shoes but have turned a blind eye in my quest for f@*king gold shoes. Two weeks before the wedding, outfit change and NOT A WORD !

Fast forward to the evening. My friend PL, had helped me picked the shoes and was going to have dinner with her fiancee. I had picked up my dinner and didn't want to rush home to my World War 3 house in a hurry and asked if I could chill in her flat and have my dinner then go home.

So far, so good.

We get to her flat, and I see that her brother (Ex-hottie, best kisser to date, former object of my desire, currently engaged to be married) was not going out but staying in. Not an issue. PL and her fiancee go to dinner, Ex-hottie goes to the sitting room and I'm in the kitchen making dinner and speaking on my phone.

After a while PL starts calling, I ignore it as I'm talking to my friend from India but it's persistent. She calls ex-hottie to say that they are turning around and are on the way to take me to dinner too!

Huh?

Why on earth would you break your date to turn around and add plus one? I argued that I had had dinner already, that they were on a date, that this made no sense! Nope, she said, they had decided to come and get me, it's Saturday night etc etc.

Fantastic, I am now a pity case.

I ask ex-hottie, why is your sister turning kolo, and he says.."she doesn't trust me alone in the house with you!"

I was about to laugh until I saw the look on his face. I seriously don't think he's joking. Now I'll wonder, really wonder what all of that was about! Is that why they came back? Does she know something I don't? Are we not all adults? He's getting married for heaven's sake!

Then in the middle of all of that, while I'm waiting for them to come and get me and I'm trying to decipher the look on ex-hottie's face, I'm getting three texts from Baked Beans! Is something in the air! Can you imagine! After total silence for 6 months, suddenly random jokey texts! For me to say what exactly?

'LOL'
'How are you?'
' :0)'

Rubbish!!!!!

I, Caramel Delight, look foward not backwards! Old news belongs in the bin!*

*Metaphor for old love interests, not encouragement to not recycle.

Where were you when you heard Michael Jackson had died?


I had just come back from Accident and Emergency because my boss fell in our theatre during a show and chipped a bone in her leg. Shattered and tired at 11.20pm, a text from my cousin....Micheal Jackson is dead! I called her back and shouted at her that I'm not in the mood. She told me to go and put on my TV.

Michael!! I told my Mum when I was little that you were the only one I wanted to marry, we loved your music so much. I am speechless. No one can ever touch you, ever.

I hope death gives you the peace you never had in life.

RIP.

I had banned myself from online activity like Blogger and FB because at work we are in the middle of our new campus launch. No simple ribbon cutting here, nope! Six days of 17 events like shows, lectures, open days and celebrity visits. The highlight of my career thus far, the result of four months planning, the justification of my MA!

Day two, my feet are dead and I'm shattered!

Anywhos, the news reached me that Bumight said she might end her e-pregnancy because Doug was looking at my bum, and I thought, I have to blog this evening cos this is too freaky!

I dreamt about Bumight last weekend. In the dream, Mum is reading The Guardian newspaper and I see a column written by Bumight. It's actually got that name on its byline. I snatch the paper and yell that I know that person! I scan the paper and in my dream I identify her (no picture) by phrases she uses in her blog. I wonder though, because I'm thinking when did she leave medicine now? How come she is writing for a big British newspaper?

So when I woke up, I was very perplexed. I don't dream about bloggers! Well there was this one time,very racy dream actually ;) I digress. I was very very very puzzled! Then I cracked it! Remember my cousin who got me frantic because we had to pay £175 for the bridesmaid dress? Well after deep prayer, we got it cheaper in America. Now we are being told about £30 for make up for our face and £50 for our hair to be styled. Not fixing the weave, just arranging it!! £50 !!!!!

I am pissed off! The whole evening I was muttering to myself. I won't do the make up but the hair I can't get out off :( So my last thought to myself as I went to bed was "Shebi Bumight wants to be a bridesmaid, she should be careful what she wishes for oh!"

That's why I dreamt of Bumight! LOL!

One more curious thing before I crash for the night. Two nights ago, my Mum woke me up by calling my name and saying I should come to her room. I ran out to find glass all over her carpet floor. I looked to the window and the ceiling wondering what had fallen and saw nothing. The thick sheet of glass that we place over our cabinet tops to protect the wood at home, had cracked and splintered into a million tiny pieces, ALL BY ITSELF.

Standing in her room I could still hear the damn thing cracking and pinging as it continued to shatter and shatter in more tiny diamond like pieces. That is the freakiest thing I have ever seen in my whole life. My Geek Squad Captain said it must be heat but we have actually turned off the central heating at home. The house is the coolest it has ever been. Weird! I don't like the fact that it poured all over her floor and over her duvet, it could have gotten her face. Na God oh!

OK short post has turned epic. Time for bed.

PS Sirus you aren't online!
PPS Do you know the kind of self control needed to not read tempting blog posts till the weekend?

Due to popular demand (OK fine only four people) as promised before all the wahala, for the first time in six years, MY BUTT IN JEANS! LMAO!

Taken in the most quiet point in my office building, where no one would find us taking butt pictures ;)

I never knew panic could be so crippling! So I'll just say thank you for all your kind thoughts and prayers. I have no shame, when I need extra praying power I go to all who can help both here and in the 'real' world! I'm guessing if God gets harassed enough by everybody then He can't ignore me, right?

In a nutshell, my Dad's brothers that I spoke about about two posts back, went to Abuja and brought 'policemen for hire' to arrest my parents and my Dad's cousin on trumped up charges. Luckily my Mum wanted to visit her mum before going on to fly back to London so they were not home (missed them by an hour) when they came to harass them. They did grab my Dad's cousin though. Hey! Every five minutes my phone was ringing.

Hearing your Mum panic that they might try to grab her before she boards a plane, (they actually tried but went to the wrong airport) when she has done nothing wrong is the worst thing I have experienced in my adult life. The worst part was being in London and feeling useless. My Mum is back and my Dad is in Abj with proof to show that the allegations are false.

My fear is gone and is now replaced with anger. I don't take to kindly to idiots trying to harm my parents. 20 years of stress all because my Dad was trying to hang on to the dream and legacy of my Grandfather's family. Well that's over and he has realised that now. Even those that aren't the trouble makers stick their heads in the sand and pretend nothing is going on. That entire palace can burn as far as I am concerned. To your tent oh Isreal.

Anyway, it's all about the funds now. Before it was money for the house, now you got to think of court cases as well but God dey. I will happily embrace being broke to bring this whole pile of crap to an end. You need to see my Mum, she came back having lost all this weight from stress! Hmmm! No this won't do at all.

I'm going to bounce, but I wanted to say that God will bless all of you. New friends and old for emails and phonecalls and making me laugh. I feel like I have lost my blogging mojo and all (chai I haven't even been on Fatbusters since) but I wanted to explain in a nutshell and say thank you.

CaramelD xxx

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved, he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Isreal will neither slumber or sleep.

The Lord is your keeper, the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The Sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil, he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and for evermore.


This was good enough for David all those thousands of years ago, then it is good enough for me, a woman who has lost her ability to talk properly to God. This Psalm is all that goes through my head. God please I hope you hear my prayers, I always thought that poor health is what would make me fear for my parents. I never thought it would be murderous intentions of people who share the same blood line as me that would make me weak with worry. I dread every Nigerian phonecall right now.

I don't doubt that you are doing something, the minute they went to visit my Grandmother is the moment the hired thugs came looking for them, God please please please please I am a 27 yr old woman in tears, please my parents are all I have.