You all are just going to have to bear with me because I think I'm cracking up. I'm experiencing what might be a mini panic attack. I was fine when I got up this morning but I walked into work, got one email and I just lost it. I can't hide it any more, not even from myself. I have to leave my job.

Good Lord I feel like I'm suffocating. I don't want to be here any more. Right now, I'm at my desk and half the team are at a meeting and our two designers are across the room and I'm hoping they don't come over because they will see that I'm tearing up. I can't call my friends because if I do I will full scale start crying.

I haven't been full on with my applications and the ones I did send I didn't get any follow through from. I'm going to have to stop everything and pour all my energies into finding a new position. Forget what you heard, this woman can't multi-task. There are so many 'sort myself' projects I'm on and quite frankly it's looking quite shit.

My reaction today is really shocking me. I'm pressing my feet into ground to stop myself walking out because even if I go for a walk, I might not come back. If it has reached like this, then it's time to go. I have been dedicating so much time trying to help my brother meanwhile my Dad is here meant to be helping out but all I can see is someone adding to my work load. Well I'm done with that for now, anyhow my folks want to raise their son, they can carry go.

I'm so stressed, my face is covered in red spots and my period has vanished (again)! I am TRYING to relax, I went to Zurich and it was awesome and I and my cousins want to do mini breaks all summer in Britain but all the good these trips do are vaporised in the heat of my everyday life.

It also takes so much energy to put a calm exterior and be all professional and crap. Just breathe it out. Lord Jesus!

A very close member of my family is currently dealing with the fact that her marriage is probably about to break down. Her husband wants out and he wants out now. Now I'm normally don't blog about stuff like this and this is not the first early marriage wahala I am seeing but this news has me shaken to the core.

Why?

Because the reasons he has given are beyond madness. These are not deep complex reasons or 'normal' marital problems you have come across before. Nope. Why he wants to leave are because of the very basic needs she has asked of him which he feels are 'unfair' and 'controlling'.  I don't want to go into detail but the office equivalent would be someone quitting because their colleague asked them to reply emails and attend meetings. The reasons are so rubbish, that you find yourself wishing it was another woman as that would make way more sense. I'm not even sure if he knows what a marriage is!!!!

This issue has been simmering for a few months and is only coming to a full boil now and recently they had a full and frank discussion where he stated his problems. When I heard what they were, there and then on the train platform I shed a few tears. Tears of abject disappointment.

This is a man I respect and admire. He has been in our lives for nine years, three of those marriage. I rate him as a competent and well read individual so all this has baffled and shaken me to the core which is why I am writing about it.

I watched as they dated and stood by each other through tempests and storms from outside their relationship that would have broke most people up. So when, with family and friends present, they signed that marriage contract I was sure in my bones that this was one for the ages. Seeing the husband do the complete 180 has driven fear into me.

How can you place your life in someone's care to have them come and completely mess it up from beginning to end. I now have a very serious respect for anyone getting married because the gamble is huge! I have always wanted to be part of a unit and to build a loving family with a yet unknown man but now, I have to take a deep breath and make sure that I know what I am getting myself into. The rewards are amazing but the losses (if there are any) can be heart breaking.

From the bottom of my heart I ask anyone reading this blog who has not yet married but wishes to do so, please understand what you are signing up for. Make sure you are ready for it. All the highs, lows, and mundane in-betweens. If you believe in God, entrust yourself to Him to always look out for you as well to be the fact checker before you sign that most important of all contracts.

In all honesty today is the first time in two weeks that I have felt like a human being. For what seemed like ages I felt very very claustrophobic as there was not one part of my life I was happy with. Still looking for a job, hurt my leg last month and it will take two months to heal and at home... well! This month makes it a year that my brother has come to live with us in London and he has learning difficulties and a slight disability. Integrating our life has been very difficult and I feel like I am now co-parenting. My anger stems from the fact that my Dad has been in Nigeria for most of the time and I see no plausible reason why he should be there when he is retired and his entire family is here and needs help.

So I was turning into a massive ball of hurt and resentment which lead to me being depressed.

On Sunday though while in church, I had to laugh at myself. Why was I carrying the entire weight of the world on my shoulders when I can offload every SINGLE thing to Jesus? My strength pass His own? Nope! It was all very silly. I had faith and was not putting it into action. I just got on my knees and re-dedicated every single aspect of my life to God and just let go.

Nothing more, nothing less.

I can't age myself before my time! I was actually crying every other day! No, no, no, no. That is not what I was put on this earth for. Life will always have challenges but I have to rethink how I handle it before I self implode.

So a whole bunch of doctor visits later, I ended up at home for a week in a uniform of headscarf, dodgy dresses and no bra. I kept falling asleep (didn't realize how tired I was) and when I wasn't sleeping I helped out for school run and other random chores.

Currently watching all the craziness going on in Boston and I hope everyone stays in their house like the police have asked. What a week it has been. May the souls of all lost in the Boston bomb blast and shootout and the warehouse explosion in Texas rest in peace.

Amen!

PS I'm going to do something crazy and report myself here later! Watch this space ;)

Stay delightful xx

So see how I have been dodging writing. I have been dodging writing because I never lie about what is going on in my life on this page. I feel it is quite sacred. So when all I think I have to report is negative and sad, I vanish.

Last post was two months ago. Ouch.

I don't want to be the girl with the long face so I shall face this blank piece of paper and think of something good to report. BY FORCE.

Aha! I have paid for my car insurance and I am now on the road! Vroom vroom! Road trip anyone? I drove the family to church and back and got stuck trying to do a three point on our sloping road in my Mum's car. My brother now piped up from the back something along the lines of I must not have been listening very well during my driving lessons! Cheeky cow!

I'm going to Switzerland in May and I'm super excited. I have never been and I love that I can add a new country to my travel list. I really hope it is warm by the time we get their to celebrate my cousin's birthday. I have had enough cold to last a life time!!!

Wow. Should it be this hard? This can't be good.

Kidnappers kidnapped my cousin and he got away from the car boot where they had put him! God is good! This has really shocked us and it happened on our doorstep. My Mum has now laid down the law. When we travel we cannot tell anyone. Just turn up! Whether we like it or not, information given to kidnappers more often than not comes from people you know. Oh wahala too much!

Job searching has ground to a halt and I know my friends are giving me the evil eye for not getting on with it. I tell you for someone who represents a brand for a living, who knew it was so horrible to represent yourself?

OK, we are veering off into complaining territory.

Since, quite alarmingly, I can't think of more good news to report. Let me use this opportunity to tell you about the3six5ng. In my words, I like to think of it as a great big diary with each day written by a different person. So you pick a day and in 365 words tell us what your day has been like with a picture attached. Voila. That's all. It started at the beginning of March and so far it has been such a wonderful experience  Nothing is too mundane or silly or random. We have had hospital trips, yoga lessons, radio producers  stressed mums, jazz clubs, Lagos traffic and tea and cake. All in all it is a treat to experience someone else's life for a little while. I have been trying to get a few people involved but I think they think it is harder than it actually is. They need contributors though so pleaseeeee have a look and put your name down. You won't be sorry! If you have any questions, let me know!

RIP Chinua Achebe, one more Nigerian hero gone when we have so few to begin with.

Lunch break over.

Stay delightful xx

If you didn't read about my 'interesting' summer romance and the subsequent break up, then please read part one and part two for this post to make sense.

Around November I got a whatsapp message from the dude saying 'hello'. I was rushing at work and just deleted it without a thought. Then around Christmas time I got a 'Merry Christmas'  message and that's when I seriously realised that he was trying to start up a conversation. I was seriously baffled. As in my non-existent eyebrows went up to my hairline. All I could think about was that I had to learn how to block people  on whatsapp, but again it was rush rush rush in the kitchen and I didn't pay it any mind.

When I finally made it to the a tiny little village in Somerset with my girls for a little holiday (pictures coming soon), I got the the first line of the message (I was doing a miniature hike) and only remembered to reply the  next day. The following conversation ensued.......


2/1/2013 15:26: Him: Its a new year, and a time for a fresh start, can we be friends?
3/1/2013 21:12: Me: Hi, I wish you no ill will but no we can't be friends.
3/1/2013 21:14: Him: Then u DO wish me ill will
3/1/2013 21:15: Him: And it says to me, that u don't have a forgiving heart
3/1/2013 21:15: Him: But thanks for responding at least
3/1/2013 21:15: Him: That is better than the rudeness of ignoring me
3/1/2013 21:23: Me: Actually, no it doesn't but feel free to interpret it how you see fit... Certain that there isn't any form of friendship that you could offer, that I'd be interested in. In the interests of civility let's start as we mean to go on with no further conversation.
3/1/2013 21:46: Him: How u can be certain of that, without knowing the future of having any ill will against me, is a wonder. However, I have no intention of imposing my friendship on u. I just felt that as it is a new year, let all old things pass, besides whatever, we did like each other and got on well enough. I won't bother u again.

Now my question is this....

Doesn't he realise that he is one of the 'old things' that have to pass in 2012. After  how this dude behaved towards me and his own admissions that he was faking his behaviour with me, exactly how are we meant to be friends? After that last phone conversation we had in when we broke up, I seriously had chills. I thought to myself, all may not be OK with this bloke oh. The deluded arrogance of it all just baffles me!

Shebi he was looking for girls to have sex with asap? Oya go and find them now. Why are you looking here? Hmm. Wonders shall never cease.

_____________

A helicopter went down during rush hour near my part of the city this morning, killing two people and placing eleven people in hospital. May the souls of the departed rest in peace and may those in hospital have a full recovery. When you leave your house in the morning and get back safely at night everyday, it really is a mini miracle.

Stay delightful people xx

A five year old me for a five year old blog :)

First a little hymn.....

Hehehehehehehe. I won't lie, I laughed as I typed the title.

Following up from the last post, we tried to meet up over three weeks and the two dates we were free for, I had to cancel due to work and my terrible memory. In between that time, when he started conversations on BBM and I replied, he wouldn't reply. Apart from that, no other forms of communication passed between both of us.

So fast forward to Monday he stared another BBM conversation and I replied saying I didn't want to get into another conversation where he will vanish, so he said he would call me that night. He called and started off by trying to imply that our lack of communication over the past three weeks was why he wanted to split up. I had to reign in that line pretty sharpish by pointing out that I could pin point the moment when he stopped caring and it was late August. The calls disappeared. I would call and he wouldn't call back. I would send a message on BBM and you can see he has read it, then no reply until two days later.

That's when he started his long politician's talk about he wants an 'adult relationship' (read sex on a plate), and that he can't deal with someone who lives with their family and he can't stay over at night and I can't come over to his. He said the breaking point was when he took me to see Dbanj and that when we got back, I made up my bed for him and went to sleep in my parent's room. (LMAO). That was 27 August I think.

So after he finished talking, I calmly told him, that that is why people date....to find out about each other. If you do not like the fact that I'm in no rush to sleep with you, you should have said it since and bounced your separate way. Why stretch it out, waste my time, and spoil my birthday pictures? I told him he wants his own version of an 'adult relationship' and good luck with his search. I now realised why whenever I bring up my brother and my family, he would brush or rush the conversation. Yes, I am an adult who has bought a house with her Mother and I am proud that after seven years of wahala, we won the right for my adopted brother to live here. If you can't accept me, then piss off!

Gosh, there was so much bullshit on the phone that night, something about and I quote 'he is tired of ACTING like a good boy for fake good girls, like his ex who wouldn't sleep with him but was shagging someone else apparently'!! I used my last patient breath to tell him he doesn't have the monopoly on lying and cheating exs and that he should judge each girl on her own case. I never lied or played games. That is not and never will be my style.

Anyway my people I wished him good luck with his life and dropped the phone. After promptly deleting him on Facebook and BBM, I got a Whatsapp message from him saying 'That was quick'!

I LAUGH IN CHINESE. *Delete*

I saw this coming a mile off and my affection for him had dried up like the Sahara a while back so I thank God, I'm not upset. I'm more upset that with one major fault, I failed my practical driving test the next morning. So please pray for me to pass on my next try, which hopefully will be soon.

Stay delightful xxxx

I've been dodging this post, I won't lie. I'm such a chicken :)

We met at the end of July at a work thing. It was a community fair and I was representing my college and he was representing his organisation. I was feeling really unwell with with what would turn out to be laryngitis and was just waiting for my back up to arrive so I could go home and rest. I didn't understand why this guy was hovering around our stand, even though he picked up an info pack. I actually thought he wanted to hit on my student hahahaha!

Anywhos, we got talking and the conversation was flowing so easily. He works in the medical field and could tell by my cough that all was not well, so we didn't talk long. We exchanged phone numbers and I made way home.

For the next week as my condition got worse and I was home off sick, we used to talk and text (lost my voice), at least three times a day. I found out we had loads in common, he was went to the boys school next door to mine and he had grown up in the East. He was shocked because he didn't think I was Nigerian, much less Igbo and then triple shocked that I could speak Igbo (I love when people underestimate that).

After house arrest was over, we went on a lunch date and a stroll in the park. He was on it and I loved the attention. (It's been a while since I had a decent type of male attention). We talked about Nigeria, families, movies, music, work, the lot.  Even with the random British rain attack while in the park, it was a good day.

We met up a few times over the next couple weeks and it was all gravy, funny and cool. But very soon, sex came up. Two weeks I think. I don't want to go into too much detail because my blog is not amebo proof (hehehe). The long and short of it is that over two weeks we kept arguing about me not wanting to have sex with him and the more we 'discussed' it, the more turned off him I became. According to him, I was the FIRST girl he had dated who hadn't jumped into the sack with him straight away and he felt that I was rejecting him in a sense. I stood my ground and gave my points and we laid it to rest.

The weird thing is, even though things were cool. It had dented my impression of him. The question mark was there flavoured with a hint of disappointment as well. The butterflies were also well and truly gone and I was searching for them the way our Mothers used to look for their slippers with a torch light when NEPA took the light. But we were steadily going about our business. He took me to the Dbanj concert and we still talked but he had stopped telling me when he was free and stuff like that, as he didn't want to 'assume' anything. *eye roll*.

Roll on to my birthday. We went out the weekend before my actual birthday and he met all my friends and we were dancing and having a good time. He went all territorial which I noticed he does in public, to mark me as his woman etc etc. We met on Wednesday and went to the movies and we spoke about me being angry that I had to work on my birthday weekend as no one could cover me for a work event that he was also attending. With all that gist and also adding to the fact that he is on my BBM and Facebook, how could he FORGET MY BIRTHDAY!

The whole day passed and went and not a peep. I called  and asked him and he said 'Oh isn't it next weekend?'. Gosh! I was weak. The killer for me was when I saw him at the event on Sunday where we were working, he still didn't apologize, or anything! Not even Happy Freaking Birthday! I was fuming and just went cold because all sorts of crazy stuff was going wrong with our equipment and staff, so had to keep it professional.

All in all, I'm sad because I can't even see the guy I liked in the first place only a month and half ago! It's all gone pear shaped and so quickly as well. I can't see any attention or care and that for me is so so so very important. Unfortunately I can't help but think a lot of stuff started going wonky after the sex talk. I told him if the situation was not right for him he should bounce (no hard feelings). The birthday thing was really hurtful. Was he scared that I would need a big gift or something? I'm not even like that and have never been.  We are meeting on Sunday for 'a talk'. So there we go. My dish has gone cold. The question is whether to return or try and re-heat.

PS Recent events have made me realised that my blog is not very anonymous at all, so I'm going to go back to basics with a few changes to get a bit of the privacy back. I'll keep you posted.

Stay delightful xxx