I'm a terrible employee.

I haven't done serious work today. I have been organising and sorting a few things but no serious creative work. I can't FOCUS! I nearly clapped my hands in glee when I realised that four of my favourite bloggers had posted new stuff. I could read and not have to work! I can't find my centre and I am terribly tired. I decided to drink a can of Red Bull but now I feel nauseous bleurgh!

I don't feel like I'm living. I feel like I'm treading water and passing time. A friend asked me yesterday what's new with me and I thought 'bloody hell not much'. I am running a mini marathon in May for Cancer Research but the excitement of a challenge was very short lived( I'm allergic to exercise so I should be a bit more worried, no?)

NOTHING EXCITES ME ANYMORE

I need my pillow, hairnet, and duvet in no particular order but since that won't be happening for while yet let me do like Maria and think of my favourite things before I fall into total self pity :)

1. Ribena. It's totally fabulous and versatile. You can make it normally, mix it with milk and make it hot water! Yum!

2. Finding the few Agatha Christie books that I haven't read yet. I can't get enough of that woman.

3. When you have been busy all day and haven't eaten and your tummy looks flat. Tres fabulous!

4. Kiddie hugs. Awwwwwww. My god daugther and her sister spent the day at mine yesterday (it's half term) and the stampede when I came back from work was lovely! I even had a picture drawn in my honour. Bless!

5. [MEN CLOSE YOUR EYES] Taking off my bra at the end of a long day. Women you know what I mean! Sheer bliss.

6. Dbanj's latest album. I don't have to skip one single track. I'm so proud. When Igwe comes on, I even look for a couple of white hankies so I can boogie Anambra stylee.

7. Four hour long IM conversations. I gave up my IM crown a long time ago but it has been dusted off and I'm in danger of re-crowning myself. It also helps when you flow so easily with the person you are chatting with.

8. Karaoke. No need to say anymore.

9. Comments on my posts. I can and did write for over a year before I started getting steady comments but there is joy in getting other points of view, and responses that make you see that yes, other people understand what you are blabbing about. Shout out to Phoenix, my most loyal reader xxx

10. Fresh weave! (BFF your life is under threat if you make a comment about my love of fake hair!)


PS What does it mean if someone says you didn't play in sand as a child?

PPS Abeg share your own favourite things. It's Friday, let's share the joy and cocoon me till I can go home!

I have to put my hand on my heart and say that I live for the most times a quiet life. There are times though when drama seems to find a way to my doorstep. What I am trying to teach myself as a young woman is to shape how I handle the drama in itself.

Over the past few days the two usual suspects whose alias are all up and down my blog decided to tag team me with drama inducing actions. Monday was the height with Baked Beans making a one month old entrance into my life to try and mess with my head.

I'm calm now, but I tell you I wasn't calm before. I wanted to shout and curse these two men that can get under my skin and tip my equilibrium. Then I thought about how I would write on my blog what happened and you blessed inhabitants of Blogsville would say 'don't mind them' and 'foolish men' and would stroke my hair and pat my back (don't worry Aloofar it's all virtual) and I would be assured.

But you see, it doesn't have to be that way at all! I don't have to give in totally to the negativity. It is in my power to direct how to deal with what life throws my way. So instead of bitching about the last couple of days. I'm going to dilute that crap and think about all the FABULOUS MEN in my life. Instead of moaning about a few individuals (who are confused idiots) I'm going to sing the praises of men :)

Family

Daddy first and foremost! Haha! We have issues but I love him die. He always is so proud of me and when I was little he would take me everywhere (my Mum called me 'his handbag'). When stupid people would say in front of me (not knowing that I could speak Igbo), what a shame that such a great man only has one girl, I would laugh because I knew to my Dad I was worth 10 boys. As an adult I can now respect his efforts in battling to teach me Igbo in a foreign country while growing up. Wow! I always drew battle lines. You can imagine how happy I am now to go into my church in the village and join in praying the rosary without batting an eyelid and that is all down to my Dad. PS Any small elegance and style you see in me, him also (my Mum won't argue that either !)

Uncles! Givers of pocket money and merchants of fun! Diluters of parental beefing and most loyal fan club members (even now I'm older they still are my cheering section), and let us not forget the countless rounds of picking me up from airports and ABC bus parks. My Uncles always have my back and because on both sides of the family, they were mainly younger than my parents, they were a bridge between us. PS they are also good at smuggling alcohol to you for a sip at grown up parties LOL.

Cousins! Defenders of my social life! Between 14-24, when we go to my hometown during Easter and Christmas if my Paternal Unit had had his way, Caramel no go see the gate of her house, but add these magic words:- "Daddy, X is going too and I'll be with him" then Eureka I was allowed! It always worked! Praise the Lord! Also as an only child being comfortable in someones home and not feeling like an extra wheel is something that money can't buy. I had two cousins in a nearby Federal School while I was in boarding too and they would write me letters regularly, before mobiles and emails...no small thing at all. My male cousins are worth their weight in PLATINUM!

Baby Bro! One and only. Because of him I now worry about what the world will be like in the future. I feel more responsible because I want to make sure the world is a safe and happy place for him. When I'm with him he keeps me on my toes intellectually because you have to think of convincing stories to get him to do things like the dreaded night bath! A hug from him has the power to turn your day sunny side up!

Friends

They are worth a post all by them selves. I really didn't have proper male friends till I was in university but they gave me a chance to be viewed through male eyes just as I was, not as a niece or daughter or cousin. They are the smallest group of men in my lives but that makes them just more precious. Actually thinking about it, they are less than 10. You can't add guys that liked you (sexually) or vice versa and it didn't work out because that is soooooo not the same and riddled with emotional land mines. I can pick their brain about the elusive male pysche and get honest answers and indulge in my secret nerd life that my female friends can't stand (Lord of the Rings/Captain Planet/Defenders of the Earth, anyone?) LOL!

Those that made me moonstruck! I think they actually need a post by themselves. For now let us give them props for making me giddy, for teaching me how to engage my naturally given feminine whiles, for ecstatic highs and depressing lows, making me learn how to sit up straight automatically and feeling like every single mushy song, whether happy or sad was written for me.

THE END...shebi? hahahaha NO!

Blogsville Men! You may be the minority but you all are a very powerful one! How colourless would the World Wide Web be without you all. I don't want to name names, but sometimes I read what you all write and I shake my head in wonder that you don't have laurels drapped around your neck. Your wit and astute humour kill me, your social commentaries make me think, your short fiction transports me to heavenly levels and the effect you have on us ladies is entertainment in itself (total so far:- one loved up couple making everyone mushy, one freshly ended blog site comment war, one heat inducing fantasy storyline and numerous crushes LOL)!!

Dedicated to two special men. Uncle Ike and my cousin Onyeka. We miss you and we love you. You both still mean the world to me. RIP

I'm home on a Monday and here is why.......


The view outside my window at 7am this morning.

Who is the silly girl that has been cussing her friends saying that they are giving her the flu, only to realise that she has brought malaria back with her? Yep! me! Duh!!!!!!!

So I'm on one sexy drug like that can't remember the name and I'm at home cos I keep throwing up! (Lovely)!! Well I'm not going down with a fight but I am boreddddddd! Work is good for the soul I tell you, I have nothing to do at home! Funnily enough I'm not miserable, just pukey and headachey etc

So Doug tagged me with sexy English like this (na wa oh) and I have to tell two truths and one lie but that's so done man! Let's bump it up to three truths for entertainment's sake and you have to guess so here goes........

1. I've sang for Pope John Paul II in Rome.
2. I have worked with Kate Winslet.
3. I am going to have minor surgery later this year.
4. I nearly died in my Mum's womb.

I have to now tag people but everyone I know has done it. Let me see....... Okay let's go for the gents this time. AlooFar and Muse the spotlight is on you! Don't leave a sick girl hanging oh!

Other random thoughts in my head include:-

• It's freezing outside. All cold winds and icy rain and grey dense clouds! Very Wuthering Heights!!
• My boobs are bigger hence time to double the exercise (after my strength is back though!!)
• Obama re-took his oath!!! Wow!!! I don't blame him shah! Before people start carrying his name in gossip that he stumbled over that line.

While I was in Nigeria I met a lady who goes to my Father's church. She came to visit my Mum and I and joked at why I was still single (you know the usual). Later after visiting us and bringing her kids to play with my bro she asked for my number and I gave it to her without thinking anything of it.

While in Lagos she sent me a text saying that can I give her my email cos there is a nice quiet guy she wants to just say hi to and talk etc. Now I don't like hook ups. They don't work for me but I didn't want to offend her and I thought well email can't hurt. That day, they guy texted me!! Then called and I pretended like I couldn't hear well and asked to call him later. I was fuming that she gave him my number!!!

Imagine my horror at the emails that I have copied below!!! Have you even heard such rubbish!!!


Hello,
Good Day. I just got your address from one of my friends, Ada. She's got so much to tell me but we've got so little a time to talk about it. If what she's saying is true, kindly do a little mail just to ensure me that she's not trying to play a fast one on me.
Have the best of the day.
________________________________

Hello,
First of all please accept my apologies. When you called me I was in a frantic rush trying to get everything ready from my trip back home and when I got back I have been sucked straight into madness at work. What did she say to you? I will try my best to unravel any mysteries. CaramelD
___________________________________

Thanks for the swift response. Actually, she started by telling me so many good things about one of her cousins but ended up telling me that she's full of loneliness. Refusing a hand of friendship doesn't sound reasonable to me so I accepted it with all honesty.
But it all sounded more like a mystery and fallacy cos she was telling me you wanted to settle down with someone down here. Sincerely, it didn't sound cool to me cos I see no reasons for it and I've not seen, even the image of the person in question. Anyway, as her friend, I couldn't let her feel bad cos she was full of enthusiasm about the whole thing.
My questions are:
Why would you want to go for someone down here when there are so many good ones there?
I sent you a text message, why didn't you respond to it?
Where are you, what are doing, and what are your expectations from a true friend?
I've got so many questions to ask, but taking it in bits will be better.
Have the best of the day.
_________________________________________________

Good evening,
Thank you very much for your illuminating and alarming email. I think wires have been crossed here. Please do not trouble yourself on my account. I am not 'full of loneliness', and I have no burning desire to go man shopping in Nigeria. Consider this a comedy of errors and I wish you all the best for the year.

Miss Delight
______________________________________________

Good morning.
Thanks for your response. Atleast it has shown the type of friend I have in Ada. I'm sincerely sorry for bothering you with all those things I wrote.
Frankly speaking, I'm not going to take it light with her. I hate been taken for a ride.
Have the best of the best.

I am going to call my Dad and ask him to politely tell the lady to back off! I hope the guy shouts at her, next time she will think twice before shooting her mouth! Which kind stupid loneliness? Where did she hear that one? As for desparately seeking a man at home, I have a sneaking suspiscion that my Dad must have said something to her! Na wa oh! I will get to the bottom of this!

I cried last night.

I was on the phone to my friend talking about other things and I started and couldn't stop until the weight in my chest had lifted.

I lied too. I lied to my friends when I hung out with them in Lagos. CK (who reads my blog) said that it sounded like Baked Beans had broken my resilience and I said no! Never! But the cracks were already there but I was holding them together. I didn't want one person to have the power to ruin my whole holiday. But now I'm back and couldn't pretend anymore hence the unexpected crying last night.

I feel better and I can write now.

It's hilarious reading my old posts where my biggest problem was whether I was going to sleep with him or not, or what I would say when we had our 'talk'! HA! I hardly even saw the boy. It all went to hell in a hand basket.

I saw him a grand total of three times in 10 days. The first time he was in a rush and zoomed in to get some things that were his from London. I didn't think I would see him that day, was in my towel and hurriedly dressed (so much for looking like a million bucks).

The second time (aaarrrggghhh). My cousin had a barbecue, an intimate all night type of thing. I live in my Grandfather's palace and they lock the gates at 11 for security so my cousin said I could come home with her and her hubby. Just that evening armed robber had done their usual and three people were killed nearby so everyone was keeping put and staying safe.

In comes BB and after saying hi and getting a drink proceeds to make me feel like the only glass of water in the desert! If I can hold that moment for ever I would. The way he looked at me..wow! Then he says slip away, spend the night with me, just be with me... CHAI! SEE MY LIFE!

I explain that I would want nothing more but not tonight. I have nothing on me (only phone), I'm staying with my older cousin so she will stretch her neck to look for me and that I can't slip away at 1 am in the morning. He asked and asked and I begged him to understand that I couldn't. The guy left and vexed for me for about four days......

We would talk briefly on the phone. Add in a couple of arguments and over polite chit chat. When I saw him for the last time it was at his sister's house (she is married to my cousin) I had spent the night there and we got a chance to be alone upstairs (we were using the Internet). The boy would blow hot, then cold! Pull me close (then two minutes later) ignore me. When I was done with the Internet and wanted to go back downstairs, he wouldn't let me to the point of hands wandering under my top (cough cough). Then he told me to move off his lap he wants to read football news!

That was it!I didn't talk to him on the way home. I asked him if I was the only one excited that I was seeing him, he said no, that he was excited but that party night killed his mood! I left for Lagos two days later.
____________________________________________

You see the thing is that I can't shout! I have no platform to. I'm not a friend, I'm not a girlfriend... what am I? I'm someone who by his lack of communication he has hurt very much. He refuses to talk to me properly and I have been forced to reel myself in properly before I get completely undone.

All those months of talking of fears and dreams and hopes, seem to belong to a stranger they don't belong to me. I have come to the conclusion that I have to stay to myself for now and get my mind right. I deserve someone who wants ME, not someone for who I'm a convenience. I wish I knew what was going on in his head but my pride won't let me ask again, it is enough. There is only so much rejection I can handle. I think I saw this coming but not like this and not hurting this much.

Catching a dance troupe at my cousin's traditional wedding was great because I love them so much but never get a chance to see any. The ladies were on fire. I am inspired. I'm going to start one at my town association here in London. These dances are in danger of dying out with my generation of Nigerian girls (women) especially those of us that live abroad.

Happy New Year!!!!

...online looking for my e-ticket booking but have accidentally on purpose stumbled on my little corner of Eden. I'm packed sort off and I think I have used shoes to over compensate for my 'I don't feel attractive state of mind'. My parents keep calling because they have forgotten stuff in London and I'm meant to bring it so I keep unzipping!!!!

I have to run to the shops because I need batteries for my torch (NEPA preparations) and I'm sluggish and bloated because I'm late aarrggghhh!

OK OK OK I'm going to leave and get on with things so I can return and type quickly about Christmas day before I travel. See the drama! After all these months of non-Ex Hottie stories it all kicked off on Christmas and I have witnesses. I'm telling you, you try and mind your business and people want to start something!!!!

OK OK OK.... I'M GOING!

PS I hope you are all are doing fine xxxxxx