My Dad is calling 'family meeting' in Friday. My response to my Mum telling me this is 'what did I do now?'

Of the past three years the equation is: FAMILY MEETING = FAT & UNMARRIED CARAMEL

This is the burden of my individual family situation. My Dad likes to flex paternal muscles everytime he is around and I'm so over it. I'm stressed at work and like my home to be a refuge. Family meeting my bum!

I'm too old for this crap! I would have moved from my house if not that I am sending all my spare money home to help finish my parents home. Once that house is finished, I'm asking for a raise and moving out.

I'm done, it's enough.

• Primarily as a body wrap and modesty protector. It could be a skirt (lower part of your body), halter dress (tie it around your neck) or dressing gown (across your chest but be careful as it might make your boobs saggy).


• It is a baby sling par excellence! How many mothers/baby carers will testify to this? For all of you that didn't know, your baby is soothed by your heartbeat from the back of your torso, while leaving your hands free to do the other million things women have to do.


• It's a mini blanket when the weather is too hot for normal bed linens.


• It can be a towel (true talk, I went to boarding school and saw with my two eyes).


• Also when rolled up it can be used as a protector when carrying stuff on your head!

OK check it, how many points? 5!! Serious practical uses, now let us analyse Afro's claim of it's sexiness. Now please men feel free to contradict me but I personally know guys that have a weird freaky wrapper thing including an ex of mine. Every time he saw me in one he just had to pull it! He couldn't help himself. Other friends have mentioned the same freaky wrapper thing to me also. Maybe for guys it's the knowledge that one pull will reveal something! LOL! Like an adult version of Tales by Moonlight hehehehehe. Finally I have never seen a traditional bride more beautiful than with this current fashion of wearing wrapper only over her chest (old school style) and beads.

Last but not least, Nollywood would be lost without a wrapper or two thrown into every other scene. Fabulous! I rest my case!

____________________________________

In other news, another bridesmaid came to my rescue when she said that not only did she have that dress already for another wedding earlier in the year but that it was bought in America for less than 1/2 the price of the London cost! Praise be to God in heaven!! So now one of the bride's cousins is doing research! Please join me in thanking God oh!

I have been a witness to real e-love while my friend has been in London. Her and her Oga are missing each other seriously oh! There is no technological gadget that has not been used to keep in touch. Phone calls, IM, texts, mobile IM's, picture messaging, Google Earth! I tell you all that is left is Twitter LOL! It's romance in the 21st century. It's the sweetest and the nerdiest thing ever!

I channeled my inner Bree from Desperate Housewives and cleaned my house from top to bottom. Especially my room. There are too many nooks and corners for things to disappear. I even found my birth certificate and I didn't know it was even missing! Chai! All that cleaning must have burnt calories (Lord knows it wasn't anything else) as I am feeling quite Caramelicious ;)

See as God is my witness, I have so many things to say but my brain won't get into first gear.

I love being part of this Nigerian community but the awards have me scared! I went to vote so that I can be supportive of the hard work the girls have put in and I felt a bit faint LOL! I would love to win something (really who wouldn't??) but after seeing that roll call of FABULOUS bloggers, I quietly voted and went to go and eat my garri and oha soup....

Category A is deep! No chance for Caramel's bum to see space. If you see anything that reminds you of me in Category B, then God bless you! Yes this is me campaigning (my Mum said nothing ventured, nothing gained).

In other news....

My Dad is here for his post op check up, the TV and I had a teary farewell. We won't see each other for a long time, while my Dad is here.

I'm in charge of a kick ass project at work and I am so stressed that there is grey hair in my weave. I just have to survive today till end of Sunday and I can breathe a bit better.

I keep getting an email from Diamond Bank to verify a cheque by giving them my account number!!! O gini??? In my whole time at home for NYSC I never used one tiny toe to enter Diamond Bank! I find it very offensive when fellow Nigerians try to 419 me! I'm not white!!

I recently had a whole week of not thinking about Baked Beans! Fabulous! I think I'm getting better! Do the shuffle!

For anyone who watches MTV Base, I met Trevor Nelson today! Woo hoo! I was very professional while giggling on the inside! He is an alumni of my college and came to shoot a promo video for our new campus.

I was a bit worried that I had lost my inner goddess so I glamed up a bit and tried to remember how to smile at a man (so out of practice because I currently avoid them like the plague) flashed a look at a gentleman and he nearly walked into a bathroom door hehehehe!

UPDATE

Last night I woke up randomly at 5am and then went back to bed again and had the most intense dream. I dreamt that my family went out and I stayed at home, so when they came back they handed over a child to me to bathe and I thought 'hang on, my brother is way bigger than this!' Then I realised he was my child! When I put him to bed I lay on my side looking at him and grumbled (good naturedly) that I can't see anything of myself in him, only that he is fair and thank God that his father's family are good looking if not there would have been trouble. In the dream, while on the bed all I could see was a close up of his face, but he was so beautiful down to his eyelashes. Also in the dream I knew I loved him! Could feel it so strongly. I don't know where that dream came from, kids are the LAST thing on my mind at this moment and I'm more used to babysitting girls than boys but WOW! That was my baby, I just KNOW IT. I was spooked when I woke up, let me tell you. I had to write this down so I don't forget.

PS At work today trying to set up for an exhibition over the weekend, I was so stressed I kept muttering, I want a biscuit, I want a biscuit! Wetin do me? That's why Lent is so important. It shows us how much care we put in things of the world instead of leaning on spiritual help. Whether food, alcohol, or bad habits. It's time to focus on what counts, no biscuits!

You don't have to vote for me (ahem, ahem) but make sure you do vote at the awards, it will be fun!

I'm a terrible employee.

I haven't done serious work today. I have been organising and sorting a few things but no serious creative work. I can't FOCUS! I nearly clapped my hands in glee when I realised that four of my favourite bloggers had posted new stuff. I could read and not have to work! I can't find my centre and I am terribly tired. I decided to drink a can of Red Bull but now I feel nauseous bleurgh!

I don't feel like I'm living. I feel like I'm treading water and passing time. A friend asked me yesterday what's new with me and I thought 'bloody hell not much'. I am running a mini marathon in May for Cancer Research but the excitement of a challenge was very short lived( I'm allergic to exercise so I should be a bit more worried, no?)

NOTHING EXCITES ME ANYMORE

I need my pillow, hairnet, and duvet in no particular order but since that won't be happening for while yet let me do like Maria and think of my favourite things before I fall into total self pity :)

1. Ribena. It's totally fabulous and versatile. You can make it normally, mix it with milk and make it hot water! Yum!

2. Finding the few Agatha Christie books that I haven't read yet. I can't get enough of that woman.

3. When you have been busy all day and haven't eaten and your tummy looks flat. Tres fabulous!

4. Kiddie hugs. Awwwwwww. My god daugther and her sister spent the day at mine yesterday (it's half term) and the stampede when I came back from work was lovely! I even had a picture drawn in my honour. Bless!

5. [MEN CLOSE YOUR EYES] Taking off my bra at the end of a long day. Women you know what I mean! Sheer bliss.

6. Dbanj's latest album. I don't have to skip one single track. I'm so proud. When Igwe comes on, I even look for a couple of white hankies so I can boogie Anambra stylee.

7. Four hour long IM conversations. I gave up my IM crown a long time ago but it has been dusted off and I'm in danger of re-crowning myself. It also helps when you flow so easily with the person you are chatting with.

8. Karaoke. No need to say anymore.

9. Comments on my posts. I can and did write for over a year before I started getting steady comments but there is joy in getting other points of view, and responses that make you see that yes, other people understand what you are blabbing about. Shout out to Phoenix, my most loyal reader xxx

10. Fresh weave! (BFF your life is under threat if you make a comment about my love of fake hair!)


PS What does it mean if someone says you didn't play in sand as a child?

PPS Abeg share your own favourite things. It's Friday, let's share the joy and cocoon me till I can go home!

I have to put my hand on my heart and say that I live for the most times a quiet life. There are times though when drama seems to find a way to my doorstep. What I am trying to teach myself as a young woman is to shape how I handle the drama in itself.

Over the past few days the two usual suspects whose alias are all up and down my blog decided to tag team me with drama inducing actions. Monday was the height with Baked Beans making a one month old entrance into my life to try and mess with my head.

I'm calm now, but I tell you I wasn't calm before. I wanted to shout and curse these two men that can get under my skin and tip my equilibrium. Then I thought about how I would write on my blog what happened and you blessed inhabitants of Blogsville would say 'don't mind them' and 'foolish men' and would stroke my hair and pat my back (don't worry Aloofar it's all virtual) and I would be assured.

But you see, it doesn't have to be that way at all! I don't have to give in totally to the negativity. It is in my power to direct how to deal with what life throws my way. So instead of bitching about the last couple of days. I'm going to dilute that crap and think about all the FABULOUS MEN in my life. Instead of moaning about a few individuals (who are confused idiots) I'm going to sing the praises of men :)

Family

Daddy first and foremost! Haha! We have issues but I love him die. He always is so proud of me and when I was little he would take me everywhere (my Mum called me 'his handbag'). When stupid people would say in front of me (not knowing that I could speak Igbo), what a shame that such a great man only has one girl, I would laugh because I knew to my Dad I was worth 10 boys. As an adult I can now respect his efforts in battling to teach me Igbo in a foreign country while growing up. Wow! I always drew battle lines. You can imagine how happy I am now to go into my church in the village and join in praying the rosary without batting an eyelid and that is all down to my Dad. PS Any small elegance and style you see in me, him also (my Mum won't argue that either !)

Uncles! Givers of pocket money and merchants of fun! Diluters of parental beefing and most loyal fan club members (even now I'm older they still are my cheering section), and let us not forget the countless rounds of picking me up from airports and ABC bus parks. My Uncles always have my back and because on both sides of the family, they were mainly younger than my parents, they were a bridge between us. PS they are also good at smuggling alcohol to you for a sip at grown up parties LOL.

Cousins! Defenders of my social life! Between 14-24, when we go to my hometown during Easter and Christmas if my Paternal Unit had had his way, Caramel no go see the gate of her house, but add these magic words:- "Daddy, X is going too and I'll be with him" then Eureka I was allowed! It always worked! Praise the Lord! Also as an only child being comfortable in someones home and not feeling like an extra wheel is something that money can't buy. I had two cousins in a nearby Federal School while I was in boarding too and they would write me letters regularly, before mobiles and emails...no small thing at all. My male cousins are worth their weight in PLATINUM!

Baby Bro! One and only. Because of him I now worry about what the world will be like in the future. I feel more responsible because I want to make sure the world is a safe and happy place for him. When I'm with him he keeps me on my toes intellectually because you have to think of convincing stories to get him to do things like the dreaded night bath! A hug from him has the power to turn your day sunny side up!

Friends

They are worth a post all by them selves. I really didn't have proper male friends till I was in university but they gave me a chance to be viewed through male eyes just as I was, not as a niece or daughter or cousin. They are the smallest group of men in my lives but that makes them just more precious. Actually thinking about it, they are less than 10. You can't add guys that liked you (sexually) or vice versa and it didn't work out because that is soooooo not the same and riddled with emotional land mines. I can pick their brain about the elusive male pysche and get honest answers and indulge in my secret nerd life that my female friends can't stand (Lord of the Rings/Captain Planet/Defenders of the Earth, anyone?) LOL!

Those that made me moonstruck! I think they actually need a post by themselves. For now let us give them props for making me giddy, for teaching me how to engage my naturally given feminine whiles, for ecstatic highs and depressing lows, making me learn how to sit up straight automatically and feeling like every single mushy song, whether happy or sad was written for me.

THE END...shebi? hahahaha NO!

Blogsville Men! You may be the minority but you all are a very powerful one! How colourless would the World Wide Web be without you all. I don't want to name names, but sometimes I read what you all write and I shake my head in wonder that you don't have laurels drapped around your neck. Your wit and astute humour kill me, your social commentaries make me think, your short fiction transports me to heavenly levels and the effect you have on us ladies is entertainment in itself (total so far:- one loved up couple making everyone mushy, one freshly ended blog site comment war, one heat inducing fantasy storyline and numerous crushes LOL)!!

Dedicated to two special men. Uncle Ike and my cousin Onyeka. We miss you and we love you. You both still mean the world to me. RIP

I'm home on a Monday and here is why.......


The view outside my window at 7am this morning.

Who is the silly girl that has been cussing her friends saying that they are giving her the flu, only to realise that she has brought malaria back with her? Yep! me! Duh!!!!!!!

So I'm on one sexy drug like that can't remember the name and I'm at home cos I keep throwing up! (Lovely)!! Well I'm not going down with a fight but I am boreddddddd! Work is good for the soul I tell you, I have nothing to do at home! Funnily enough I'm not miserable, just pukey and headachey etc

So Doug tagged me with sexy English like this (na wa oh) and I have to tell two truths and one lie but that's so done man! Let's bump it up to three truths for entertainment's sake and you have to guess so here goes........

1. I've sang for Pope John Paul II in Rome.
2. I have worked with Kate Winslet.
3. I am going to have minor surgery later this year.
4. I nearly died in my Mum's womb.

I have to now tag people but everyone I know has done it. Let me see....... Okay let's go for the gents this time. AlooFar and Muse the spotlight is on you! Don't leave a sick girl hanging oh!

Other random thoughts in my head include:-

• It's freezing outside. All cold winds and icy rain and grey dense clouds! Very Wuthering Heights!!
• My boobs are bigger hence time to double the exercise (after my strength is back though!!)
• Obama re-took his oath!!! Wow!!! I don't blame him shah! Before people start carrying his name in gossip that he stumbled over that line.